Ask Coach Yvonne: Is It To Soon?

by Yvonne Chase on January 3, 2013

Dear Coach Yvonne,
After 4 years of an off and on again relationship, I finally ended it a month ago.  Recently, I met a guy while out having dinner and he’s amaaaazing! We talked that night, exchanged numbers and have gone on a couple of dates.  He’s interested in a committed relationship and the feeling is mutual.  I hate being alone and I don’t want to pass up a good man.  Is it too soon?

Dear Is It Too Soon,  
Yes; I’d definitely say its too soon.  How do you really know he’s a good man? He might be amaaaazing now but give it some time to see if he’s consistent.  Somehow everybody is amaaaazing in the beginning!

Take a Break
In addition, you just came out of a relationship.  Don’t you need a break? I always encourage taking a break.  You need time to detox and detach your mind and emotions fully from the past if you want to move forward with a clean slate and create a different outcome the next time.  There’s some baggage you need to unload.

Bad Idea
My biggest concern with your question is you don’t want to be alone.  Going from one relationship to the next because you don’t want to be alone is a bad, bad, bad (did I say bad) idea.  We make a much better choice when we’re able to enjoy our lives and our own company.

Get To Know You
Here’s what I suggest; spend time with you.  Get to know you in a new way.  Have a conversation with yourself about your last relationship and the one before that and the one before that.  Get clear on why those relationships began.  If they began because you didn’t want to be alone, which I’m guessing they did, I hope you can clearly see why they ended.

Be Okay Alone
Figure out what you want at this time in your life.  Why are you dating and committing to men so quickly? I know you don’t like being alone but why don’t you like being alone? What void are you trying to fill? What are you trying to escape? If you ever hope to have a healthy relationship, one that lasts, I suggest you deal with the woman in the mirror first otherwise you will continue to get more of the same.  Be okay with being alone before you seek out another relationship.

Time Will Tell
Lastly, understand that you don’t have to commit to every man you meet to get to know him better.  That’s what going on dates is for.  You just met him.  He just met you.  You really don’t know him.  You’ve got to guard your heart, mind, body and soul.   You can’t give yourself to everyone you meet.   Since this guy is so amaaaazing, continue to go on dates with him to learn more.   He might not be as amaaaazing as you think or maybe he will be.  Time will tell.

Don’t rush into a relationship for all the wrong reasons.  Go slow into a relationship for all the right reasons.  Unknown

Something to think about…

What say you? Do you think its too soon? 

Here’s what I’d like you to do now:

(1.)  Share this if you like it

(2.)  Leave a comment below

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Angel Austin January 3, 2013

It’s definitely too soon. In the beginning, we see what we want to see. Time is necessary. It’s required after coming out of a long relationship to really process what happened, to see your role in the relationship’s demise, what you really want for yourself in life, from a prospective mate, etc. There’s a lot of work to do. To jump right back on the saddle is a disservice to you and to the person you might become emotionally entangled with.

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Yvonne Chase January 3, 2013

Well said Angel. We do see what we want to see in the beginning don’t we? There’s so much work to do when a long term relationship ends. To not do that work will be the death of every relationship following.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.

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Hichem January 23, 2014

It is possible for the vetnuloers to take on small areas at a time but anything larger can be daunting, the reality is that the majority of the membership of our Friends group are fairly elderly and have family comittments. We’ve started working now with unemployed young people and those with mental health issues. They generally seem to feel confident to take on more abmbitious projects.

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