Well At Least He’s Not…Accept Him For Who He Is Or Leave Him Alone

by Yvonne Chase on January 10, 2014

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You Have To Live With Who He Is
“Well at least he’s not this…and at least he’s not that…he could be a whole lot worse.  He could be this or that but he’s not!” We’ve all either said a variation of the above or we’ve heard women say a variation of the above about the man they’re dating to justify the relationship.  Great that he’s not any of those things but who is he? Do you like who he is? Who he is is much more important than who he’s not.  You have to live with who he is day in and day out not who he’s not.  So, who is he? And is who he is enough for you?

Well At Least He’s Not
Over the weekend I had a conversation with a girlfriend about her man.  She kept going on about all the valid things that unnerved her about him then finished off her tirade with, “Well at least he’s not…”  Because she is so focused on who he’s not, she’s choosing to overlook who he is even though she’s annoyed by it.  Who he is, grates her nerves.  He’s not who she really wants.  She wants a man’s man.  He’s not a man’s man.  She wants a leader.  He’s not a leader.  She wants someone that steps up and makes decisions.  He’s not that guy.  She wants a man that’s a bit more advanced in his life and career.  That’s not who he is.  Nothing wrong with who he is, he’s just not who she really wants.  So that kind of thinking may look like this; well at least he doesn’t steal, kill and abuse alcohol but he’s beyond lazy, doesn’t keep his word and always has a lame excuse.  Do you like who he is? That’s not her guy by the way, I just used those examples to show you how this line of thinking works.

Not The Best Match
As I see my girlfriend’s relationship, she will be the one running the show even though she doesn’t want to because he is not a run the show kinda guy.  The last few men in her life were all the things her new guy isn’t so she uses that to justify the new guy.  If she were to look at who he is instead of what he’s not, she would quickly see that while he is a nice guy, they are not the best match for each other.  Because he realizes he’s not the person she really wants, he’s always saying and doing something to overcompensate which ends up annoying her to no end.  Its all a mess!  I see this way of thinking happening a lot in Christian singles circles because the pickings of good Christian men who love the Lord are slim.  My girlfriend happens to be a Christian.

Do’s And Don’t Of Dating
While writing this post, I clicked over to another blog to read some dating advice from Gabrielle Union.  In an interview with Glamour magazine, she shared her Do’s and Don’ts of Dating.  Here’s what she said, “When I met Dwyane, his “résumé” looked like crap: athlete, going through a divorce, nine years younger than me.  None of that screamed, “Let’s have a lasting relationship.” Then, after I had a heart-crushing breakup with yet another immature jerk, I thought, it can’t be any worse if I date a fetus.  Let’s just see what happens.  Turned out he’d been on his own since he was 15.  He had wisdom that comes with facing an insane amount of adversity.  He’s sweet, funny, honest about his shortcomings.  When I put my preconceived notions to the side, I found someone cool.”  Looks like Gabrielle fell into the “well at least he’s not” way of thinking.  Here’s the moral of the story; accept him and like him for who he is or leave him alone!  Looks like Gabrielle decided to accept Dwyane for who he is.

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Something to think about…

What say you? Have you ever picked someone based on who they were not vs who they really are? What are your thoughts on this way of thinking and choosing a mate?

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

JD Bahamas January 10, 2014

I too fall for that concept that “at least he’s not” and I’ve used that line for over 15 years now!!! My “friend” whom I’ve been “emotionally attached” to has repeatedly shown characteristics that are undesirable to me but I keep making excuses to justify my attachment! We have a complicated “relationship” first of all because it’s long distance. We talk and exchange emails frequently but only see each other basically once a year. Yes!

Most of the time I make excuses because since I returned home 10 years ago I have not been asked out on a date and I’ve not met any guy that have caught my attention. I ascribe to the Christian principle of “he who finds” so I’m waiting to be “discovered”. In the meantime I’ve tried several times to sever ties with him but we still seem to eventually connect again. Then comes the cop out “something is better than nothing”. This year I’ve resolved to really make myself “available to other options” so I’ll see how things go.

Another twist to this ordeal is that he’s told me from our initial conversations that he doesn’t want to get married or have children. At the time I felt the same way but about 2 years ago I had a change of heart where marriage is concerned (still don’t want kids especially how I will be 50 next year). I’ve indirectly and directly asked him how he feels about marriage now and he still hasn’t changed his mind – he doesn’t want to get married. (I think that he’s afraid because his parents were in the process of a divorce when his mother died.)

Any way, I have to make decisions that will be for my best interest so I’ve told all my friends that I’m now ready to contemplate dating with the intention to eventually get married so here I come guys!!!!

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Yvonne Chase January 10, 2014

JD,

Congratulations to you for making a POWERFUL decision about your future. It all starts with making a decision. I’m excited to see what’s in store for you in the dating world. Would be happy to coach you in that area if needed.

We are so good at making excuses for him aren’t we? Something ain’t always better than nothing!

About this “he who finds a wife line”…I’ve written about this repeatedly. Remember this, you have a responsibility in being found. Make sure he can find you:-)

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George Scheide January 10, 2014

It’s true for men too. It may be a huge factor in me still being single, but I’ve always used this theory. “I’d rather want something I don’t have than have something I don’t want.” It works with a lot of things, not just relationships. Of course, some just want a relationship so badly they don’t really factor in whether the other person is right for them or not. That’s a whole ‘nother problem. 😉

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Yvonne Chase January 10, 2014

George,

That’s a whole ‘nother problem that creates bigger problems. This is well said; “I’d rather want something I don’t have than have something I don’t want.” Indeed!

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My Special Kind of Crazy January 12, 2014

Oh, I had that way of thinking of years with a guy I was certain I wanted to marry. He wasn’t necessarily everything I wanted but he wasn’t some of the things I didn’t want. So I made that good enough. Needless to say we did NOT get married and I found a guy that I like for what he is instead of the things “at least he’s not”. Over here from SITS!

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Yvonne Chase January 12, 2014

Good for you My Special Kind Of Crazy. It’s so easy to fall into the well at least he’s not trap.

Thanks for stopping by.

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AwesomelyOZ January 12, 2014

I used this sort of thinking with several ex-boyfriends of mine in the past and laugh at it now thinking back. I’ve been with my partner for almost two years and it’s been great because that line of rationality doesn’t exist in our relationship -we both love each other for who we are not what we’re not. 🙂 Have a great one Yvonne! -Iva

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Kimberly H. Smith January 19, 2014

This post reminds me of women who think they can change their man after they are married or that things will change. Yes, things will change but not like you think. I’m with you on accept him or leave him alone. I shared this on Google+. Thanks again for linking up to Traffic Jam Weekend, Yvonne! Always a pleasure to have you.

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Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex January 20, 2014

Hi Yvonne, visiting from your SITS tribe. I really loved this post and will likely include a link to it when I do another post for single women. I write for married couples mostly but do address singles sometimes too. You gave some great advice. When choosing a partner, you need to know who they ARE because that’s who you’re going to be living with every day! Don’t settle for someone totally unqualified for the job just because they “aren’t as bad as _______”

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