Being Number Two Is Not Okay

by Yvonne Chase on February 6, 2014

two Desperate And Delusional
Being Mary Jane took desperate and delusional to new levels in this weeks episode.  Did you watch? Mary Jane (Gabrielle Union), the lead character is having an affair with Andre (Omari Hardwick), a married man.  In a previous episode, she confronted Andre’s wife Avery (Robin Lee) and gave her all the details of their affair.  On last night’s episode, Mary Jane was invited to speak at a women’s empowerment luncheon.  Coincidentally, Avery was invited too and ended up at the same table seated next to Mary Jane.

Up Your Sex Game
Since Avery knew all of the women at the table, she thought it was the perfect time to discuss her husbands affair.  When asked how she found out, she replied, “His mistress told me.”  She then said to Mary Jane, “You seem to be knowledgeable about these things, how would you handle it” and Mary Jane replied, I would up my sex game.”

Cheating Is A Choice
Women are upping their sex game every day of the week that ends in “Y” and husbands are still cheating all across the map.  Great sex never stopped a man from cheating and it never will.  Cheating is a choice.  If you’re banking on a good sex game to keep your man, you have more problems than a little bit.  Andre made the big mistake of telling Mary Jane how sorely his sex life was lacking and she used that information to humiliate Avery who is hurting terribly as her marriage falls apart.  When it was time to step up to the podium to empower the ladies, here’s what she said:

You know I had this great little sisterhood speech all prepared but I seem to have left in my purse at the table.  I don’t want to talk about sisterhood today.  I know there’s a lot of professional women here but I want to speak to the younger girls.   You guys signed up for this mentorship program because you want to be successful.  You want to be your mentors.  Everybody tells you, do your best so you can be number one.  But there’s another position.

You know I found that being number two gives you all the glory of being at the top without all the pressures of the number one spot.  You see the job of any great number two is to figure out what the number one is missing, what they refuse to see and what they’re doing wrong.  So you know, take your time, learn, be patient, get better…you will get to where you’re supposed to be if you do the work.  Because remember, if you don’t, somebody else will.

Go Get Your Own
Seems like many women today think like Mary Jane.  They’re fine with settling for crumbs.  They’ll take anybody just to have somebody because being single today, especially after you reach a certain age screams something is wrong with you.  I believe it takes a woman of strength and unshakable resolve to remain single in a world that supports being number two.  I’ll never forget the words of the late Elizabeth Edwards when she sat down for an interview with Oprah Winfrey to discuss her cheating husband.   She said, “Its okay to want what I have but go get your own.”  Exactly!

And you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.  And you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.–Deuteronomy 5:21

Something to think about…

What say you? Is a good sex game enough to keep a man? What are your thoughts on being number two? Would you settle for being number two?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1.  Leave a comment below

2.  Share this post if you like it

“You know I had this great little sisterhood speech all prepared, but I seem to have left it in my purse at the table. I don’t want to talk about sisterhood, today.I know there’s a lot of professional women here, but I want to speak to the younger girls. You guys signed up for this mentorship program because you want to be successful. You want to be your mentors! You know everybody tells you: ‘Do your best so you can be number one!-But there’s another position…You know I’ve found that being number two (glances over at Avery) gives you all the glory of being at the top without all the pressures of the number one spot. See, the job of any great number two is to figure what the number one is missing, what they refused to see and what they are doing wrong.So, you know take your time, learn, be patient, get better. You will get to where you’re supposed to be if you do the work. Because remember, if you don’t somebody else will. I’m Mary Jane Paul and thank you for listening.”- See more at: http://madamenoire.com/347547/mary-janes-no-2-speech/#sthash.7sJ6yROt.dpuf

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Inthe... February 6, 2014

Oh Yvonne… where do I start with this madness??

Sex is the icing on the cake of marriage. Just like you cant sit and eat a bowl of icing, you can not base your marriage on bedroom gymnastics. Some people act like they can live in an orgasmic cloud 24/7!! Sure sex can temporarily make you forget drama/issues while you are doing the deed but guess what? Those same issues are waiting for you after your orgasm wears off.
I am always in shock when I hear the stuff women put up with (infidelity, joblessness, baby mama drama, physical/emotional violence etc) just because the guy is good in the bedroom. *sigh*.. Lord set your people free..

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Yvonne Chase February 6, 2014

“Lord set your people free!” LOL!

Its amazing what women will put up with just to say they have a man. Its also amazing the emphasis placed on sex as if he’s always going to be good in bed…as if she’s always going to be good in bed.

If the foundation of any relationship is sex, it will crumble in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

I feel sad for any woman who thinks a good sex game is all she needs to keep a man. You can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to stay.

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karen February 8, 2014

Great post and I agree with you, I don’t want to be pretend to be anything or try to keep someone who doesn’t LOVE and want me for who I am.

Great sex is one part of a marriage…it doesn’t mean anything if there is no love or emotional commitment.

Happy Saturday Sharefest

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Yvonne Chase February 8, 2014

@Karen,

Thanks for stopping by from Sharefest.

Marriage is about more than sex yet sex is a big part of marriage. Men need sex. Men want sex. Women and men need it and want it in different ways. Stepping out of marriage to get it is not the answer.

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Shaunda February 8, 2014

In the past, I’ve tried new “sexual things” and I have to say that, no matter how good the sex is, men are always looking for something better not because you’re bad, it’s cause, they can. I will not be #2 knowingly. Men are greedy and want gratification all the time. I’m celibate and will remain that way for however long it takes. It’s going to take God to send me the right man. A lot of guys seem to be comfortable having multiple women and don’t care if they hurt your feelings. Ladies, it’s time for us to stop allowing this type of learned behavior.

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Yvonne Chase February 8, 2014

@Shaunda,

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we think sex or as one of Twitter peeps says, being a sexual contortionist will make him stay. You’re right, men are greedy and want constant sexual gratification. Not all men of course. Our current sexually fluid society makes it very easy for him to be gratified whether at home or abroad.

As long as we continue to make ourselves available for his satisfaction outside of marriage, men will continue to cheat. Kudos to you for making a decision to do it Gods way.

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George Scheide February 8, 2014

Shaunda, those are some great words! Stay strong. I believe that God will send you the right man. I just read these words of advice yesterday that may encourage someone. “The only thing worse than being single and alone is being married and alone.” I can’t explain why people cheat Yvonne, but you’re right. If they’re going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. I do know of cases where men I know left that cite not getting any sex from their wife. While I agree the answer may not be upping your ‘sex game,’ it’s probably unrealistic to think a man will stick around if he’s not getting any. It doesn’t make it right to break those vows, but it’s certainly a little more understandable.

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Yvonne Chase February 8, 2014

@George,

I’m glad you said this: “it’s probably unrealistic to think a man will stick around if he’s not getting any.” Many factors contribute to him not getting any and that is what he needs to look at. Much of him not getting sex probably rests on his shoulders.

In this particular episode, his wife is trying to please him sexually even at the expense of her discomfort yet that’s still not good enough for him. Its all about him and how he likes it and wants it. They never showed a side of him that said, wow, look at the extent my wife is willing to go to. Look at what she’s willing to try to please me and satisfy me. I need to cooperate with her. No! Instead he laughed at her and joked it about it with his side chick.

Its not a little bit more understandable for me when a man breaks his vows for lack of sex because most times based on numerous conversations with men in sexless marriages, its a solvable problem that requires work he’s unwilling to do.

You and I are Christians. We both know the leadership mandate on husbands. His leadership role doesn’t stop when his sex life is lacking. He doesn’t get to take off his leadership hat while he seeks sex elsewhere. No! In that moment, his leadership abilities need to increase. He needs to take the lead and find out why his sex life is lacking. That one step could turn the entire sexless ship around.

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George Scheide February 8, 2014

Yvonne, you are right. The key for us is that we are Christians. I believe that vow should mean forever, but I don’t see enough believers worrying about being with believers in the first place. Perhaps that’s the more important concern than the bedroom, especially if we want godly marriages that last!

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Samantha February 8, 2014

When I tell you this post is amazing…
I watch Being Mary Jane, and as a woman who had to heal and recover from an adulterous marriage, the storyline honestly makes me a little uneasy. I realize that its television and entertaining, but all lies and fiction are based on some fact.
First of all, I have an issue with a man cheating, of course, but discussing your marriage with your “side chick” gives me anxiety. That is over the boundaries on so many levels. He had no business telling Mary Jane anything, let alone about his marriage bed. Sigh…
Cheating is a choice, and single women have made it entirely too easy to do. Sure, wives continue to advance and stay current on their “wife styles”. But so can husbands. Instead of watching the next young lady that walks past, how about you focus on your wife and your vows to stay with her and keep her happy.
Okay, I’m done.
Great post, by the way. LOL
Visiting from the SITS Girls Sharefest.
http://4insanewife.blogspot.com

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Yvonne Chase February 8, 2014

@Samantha,

Did you stay in that marriage?

You’re right when you say this; “Cheating is a choice, and single women have made it entirely too easy to do.” I had a conversation with two gentlemen the other day about Being Mary Jane and they both told me to get with the program because side chicks rule in 2014. I’m still shaking my head at that conversation. They co-sign on being number two.

Every time I watch Mary Jane, I feel sad for her. Poor thing doesn’t like herself. Its pretty sad when a woman believes all she has to offer a man is sex. What a different show this would be if Mary Jane knew who she was in God. She needs love, a hug and a good girlfriend. I wanted to shake her after that speech.

Thanks for visiting from SITS!

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Shaunda February 8, 2014

Ms. Chase,

I would like to thank you for blogging about things happening in our culture. Living Single and trying to date and being married are not easy. I think both subjects need to be discussed on a regular basis. Watching Being Mary Jane really makes you open your eyes to what’s really going on in real life. I know several people single and dating married people. It really bothers me that, people don’t take marriage serious. I’ve been approached by married men and it amazes me that, they don’t think much of having a wife and a girlfriend. One even told me, at least he told me. I’m thinking to myself, you don’t get a prize for telling me you’re married. I told him, thanks for his honesty. Why is it that married men are honest about saying they’re married but single guys with girlfriends lie and say, they don’t have a girlfriend?

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Yvonne Chase February 8, 2014

Thank you Shaunda for reading and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate you.

Being Mary Jane is what’s happening today. Seems like Gabrielle Union is playing out the happenings of her real life on TV. I don’t know how she does it!

Some married men are honest about being married because they want you to know what you’re getting yourself into. They’re essentially telling you, I’m not leaving my wife. Many women today are fine with that. They don’t want the responsibility of a wife. There are single women today specifically looking to date a married man.

For single guys, many don’t have a girlfriend even if she feels like she’s his girlfriend. Just because you act like you’re in a relationship with him, doesn’t mean he thinks or knows he’s in a relationship with you.

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Theresa February 18, 2014

I love Gabrielle Union, but I just cannot support this show. I feel like it’s encouraging young women that breaking up a marriage is considered “chic.” That is not the message that Hollywood needs to be sending to our young ladies. If anything, I’m even more upset with BET for producing this madness. We often complain about how the media paints inaccurate representations of African Americans, but now THEY are doing the same thing by producing this show.

I’m thankful I stopped watching BET years ago. And we wonder why our women have self-esteem issues. The very network was built to uplift us is telling us that we deserve to be second. I am NOBODY’s second choice. And you’d better believe my guy knows it!

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Yvonne Chase February 18, 2014

Well alrighty Theresa! I feel you 100%.

What gets my goat is not only BET airing the show but the fact that the show was created by a very happily married black woman. We can’t complain about the inaccurate representations of African Americans when we are responsible for forecasting that representation.

The creator of Being Mary Jane and Scandal are responsible for celebrating Being No. 2!

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Regina March 22, 2014

Hi Yvonne,

It was a pleasure to meet you today via SITSGirls. I saw this episode of Being Mary Jane and was so confused at Gabrielle’s point & the advice she gave to those young girls who looked on in aspiration. Unfortunately we see this all too often in media as if devaluing our temple is the new symbol of pride and free pass to getting a man. Yes, it is entertaining to watch but damaging to live and single women should understand the repercussions. It was Claire Huxtable that I aspired to and still do today even as a single mother. The key is to love who you are right where you are and have less desperation. Often times single women fantasize in their minds about the end result without calculating the work and sacrifice it takes to get there. As someone so eloquently stated, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, instead it’s greener where we water it. I’d rather be #1 in my own life than #2 in someone else’s (sounds like a song lyric lol ). Talk with you soon…

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Yvonne Chase March 23, 2014

Amen to this Regina: “I’d rather be #1 in my own life than #2 in someone else’s”

The message that its okay to be number two in a relationship is severely damaging. Many women aspire to be any number today just for the sake of having a relationship.

Devaluing our temple does seem to be the new symbol of pride and free pass to getting a man. Sad!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Men Like The Hunt They Don’t Like The GamesMy Profile

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