Marriage Will Distract And Deter You If You Don’t Want To Be Married

by Yvonne Chase on April 17, 2017

Ruffled Feathers
Earlier last week, rapper Clifford T.I. Harris shared his controversial views on marriage. To say his views ruffled more than a few feathers is an understatement. After six years of marriage and three children, his wife Tiny wants a divorce. In a nutshell, T.I said, marriage is going to distract and deter. Here’s what he said in full:

I can be a better best friend than a husband. It’s just the truth. Ultimately, man, I’m on a mission. I’m striving to take my family, its name and our legacy as far and high as it can possibly go.  And in my life, there will be two different things. There will be people, places and things that help me get there. And there will be people, places and things that distract and deter me from getting there.

It seems to me that marriage and what marriage means and what marriage does–it’s just one of those things that’s going to distract and deter me. And that could be selfish, but ultimately, I’m the patriarch of this family. It’s my responsibility to take us onward and upward. And that’s what I intend to do.

I just have a purpose and I don’t always have the time to do the thoughtful, considerate things that a husband should do. Me knowing that about myself–knowing I’m not going to deter myself from my plan. I’m going to move. And whoever move with me, they coming with me. And whoever don’t move, I’ll be back.”

Rooted In Selfishness
As I listened to his views on marriage, I was reminded of something my brother shared with me when he was alive. He said, “The root of every divorce is selfishness. Anytime a marriage is in trouble the root of the trouble is selfishness.” Looks like he was right. Everything T.I. shared is rooted in selfishness. He’s completely out of line. 

Share The Truth
When we don’t know the truth, we believe lies and make wrong decisions. My purpose in writing this post is to share the truth. We know what T.I. said now let’s hear what the word of God says in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 (AMP) to married people:

33But the married man is concerned about worldly things, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or the virgin is concerned about the matters of the Lord, how to be holy and set apart both in body and in spirit; but a married woman is concerned about worldly things, how she may please her husband.

Distract And Deter You
What ruffled people’s feathers the most was when he said marriage is going to distract and deter him. Marriage does mean you are no longer operating on your own. It’s no longer about you, it’s about us. You have a spouse to consider. You have to check in with your spouse with every decision. So, yes, he’s right. If you’re not ready to do that or you don’t want to move as a team or you’re tired of considering your spouse, marriage can feel like a distraction.  

Accomplish Your Mission
Marriage in and of itself is not a distraction or a deterrent. T.I’s priorities are simply out of order. Marriage is the very thing that will help you accomplish all of your goals. Your wife is your helpmeet. God created her to help you accomplish your mission. Sacrificing your marriage to accomplish a mission is foolish. 

Responsibility Of A Spouse
When I read comments like T.I’s, the beauty of living single shines brighter. Single people have zero distractions. I mean, we do have lives and responsibilities, however, we don’t have the huge responsibility of a spouse. We can live, move and have our being without checking in with a spouse. We can go when God says go. T.I. can’t do what we do and that’s why he sees marriage as a distraction. I get it! 


Making Decisions Together
In the right order, a spouse comes after your relationship with God, which is why every single person should really take advantage of this season. If and when you do marry, you will not have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. Your life is no longer your own once you say, “I do” and I guess that could very much feel like a distraction.

distract
Something to think about…

What say you? Married people, help us single people out; have you ever felt like your marriage is a distraction? Have you ever said, man if I was unmarried, I could do this or that? Can any part of you understand why T.I. would say marriage is a distraction?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1. Leave a comment below

2. Share this post if you like it

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Kelly April 17, 2017

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband and I have 3 children. I can see how one might feel like T.I. You’re 100% correct when you say your life is no longer your own once you marry. I have to consider my husband. He has to consider me. We make decisions together. I don’t get to be selfish and do what I want when I want. Your admonition to singles is on point.

Sure there are times when I myself and I would even say my husband has felt like T.I. but we wouldn’t have it any other way. We want to be married. In a world of chaos and uncertainty, marriage is a great distraction. If my husband and I don’t know anything else, we know we have each other’s back and we love doing life with each other.

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Yvonne Chase April 17, 2017

@Kelly,

I appreciate your honesty. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if married people felt like T.I. Even though I’ve never been married, I’ve talked to enough married people who’ve said something similar.

In a world of divorce, it’s great to hear you and your husband want to be married and enjoy doing life together.

God bless you and your union!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Worrying About His Future Is Another Reason Men Use To Delay MarriageMy Profile

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anon April 17, 2017

He’s being honest. Selfish – not certain because everything he does is for his family which includes his wife. What I take from his statement is that his wife wants more than he is willing or able to give. So to him, it’s the relationship of marriage that’s a problem not the byproducts – a family.
He’s in a bit of a bind, but many of have been there. At this point it requires a paradigm shift – he can’t be all things to her (and she should recognize that) and they both need to work on themselves so that they’re good for each other. Christians would say it as – work on your vertical relationship so that your horizontal relationships can thrive. Leaving the marriage is not the answer.

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Yvonne Chase April 17, 2017

@Anon,

You’re absolutely right, he is being honest and I can say I appreciate his honesty, however, there does seem to be something selfish about his actions.

Sure everything he does is for his family but breaking up your family to do for them seems selfish to me. Seems like he wants to do his thing while he does for his family.

I don’t know if T.I has a vertical relationship but yes, that would definitely help him out in this scenario.

Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.

Appreciate you…
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Slouchy Pants Men Are Too Weak To Lead Strong WomenMy Profile

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Ifeoma Samuel April 19, 2017

Thank you for sharing your perspective on the issue. I liked what your brother said on selfishness as a root for divorce…May be not in all cases. I can’t tell though

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Sarah April 19, 2017

Wow. Yes, if you are not in the right place, marriage is not for you. I don’t have the perfect marriage, but I can’t imagine not having my husband beside me. Your brother is right and each must sacrifice their right to be right in a marriage.
Thanks for sharing!

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Yvonne Chase April 19, 2017

@Sarah,

No one has the perfect marriage. Sounds like you have the perfect marriage that works for you and your husband. That’s what matters.

We are born selfish. I believe marriage is the only place where selfishness is broken because marriage requires 100% selflessness.

T.I. is not in the right place!
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Gretchen April 19, 2017

Sobering statement of our times to view marriage as a distraction. Your brother’s comment is simple yet profound. To love as Jesus calls us to love is a direction of our will and selfless in nature. This helps so much as we consider our marriages, yet this is to be balanced with accountability. Thanks for sharing:)

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Yvonne Chase April 19, 2017

@Gretchen,

Sobering indeed. I never forgot my brother’s words and his was a difficult marriage. To love as Jesus loved is our highest calling.
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Beth April 19, 2017

Definitely, Yvonne! Marriage certainly can be a distraction and once kids come along, multiply that distraction by each child! I’m amazed that this man didn’t “leave his children” since they would be, technically, a distraction from his main goal too. I hope that single women take your, and the Apostle Paul’s, wise words to heart. There is so much that you can do when you are single that you cannot do when you are married. I think most single’s who are unhappy in their singlehood are looking at the empty side of the glass–which every status in life has. It’s all about looking at the gifts and possibilities God gives us in our lives–married or single that keeps us persevering in Him. Great and thought-provoking post, my friend!
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Yvonne Chase April 19, 2017

@Beth,

I LOVE every single word of your comment. It’s always great to hear the real deal from the other side. My prayer is that singles really get a hold of the blessing in this season because like you said, and you should know, there is so much you can do when you are single that you cannot do when you are married.
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Jenny April 20, 2017

Good morning! Such a great article to think through. I got married very young, and been married 23 years. With 3 kids. He is correct that marriage is a distraction but one that once we make the commitment changes from a distraction to an opportunity. Whether God calls us to marriage or singleness, he calls us to follow him. I think every married person thinks of what opportunities there may have been if they had stayed single. But from my single friends they wonder what would the opportunities be if they were married. Learning to be content in whichever state God calls us to may be the key.

And like your brother said, divorce is rooted in selfishness. Maybe not a 100% of the time but I would agree most are.
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Yvonne Chase April 20, 2017

@Jenny,

Some single people wish they were married and some married people wish they were single. You said it best, learning to be content whether single or married is key.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Slouchy Pants Men Are Too Weak To Lead Strong WomenMy Profile

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Brenda April 20, 2017

Hi Yvonne, welcome to #ChasingCommunity – nice to meet you. 🙂 I’ve been married 25 years this fall and I can’t think of a single time I’ve felt it was a distraction. It’s not always been easy, but thank goodness, the Lord’s always given me a heart for the teamwork of marriage. Good to connect, Yvonne. May God bless your ministry.
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Yvonne Chase April 20, 2017

@Brenda,

I love this: “The Lord gives you a heart for the teamwork of marriage.” Awesome!
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Sheila Qualls April 20, 2017

I agree with your brother: Anytime a marriage is in trouble, the root is selfishness. I have been married for over 30 years. I have learned to appreciate things about my spouse the used to drive me crazy. The things that attract you will become the things that repel you. LOL. I don’t think my marriage has ever been a distraction. My own selfish desires are the distraction. We want things too easy today. First sign of trouble and we’re out. Marriage is a big commitment but to make it work, the commitment to God must be greater. I like your message.

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Yvonne Chase April 20, 2017

@Sheila,

You have spoken my heart. We want things too easy today. Nobody wants to fight for anything. At the first sign of trouble, we tuck our tails and run. Sickening! The commitment to God must be greater.

God bless your marriage!
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Debbie Wilson April 20, 2017

Yvonne, it sounds like T I has been duped by the god of this world who came to steal, kill, and destroy. His words don’t even make sense. How can he say “I’m striving to take my family, its name and our legacy as far and high as it can possibly go” and then bust up his marriage? Jesus wants to conform us to His image. We were created to live in dependence on God. Marriage is a great venue for exposing our selfishness and showing our need to rely on Him. And as you pointed out with Scripture, marriage carries responsibilities and distractions. So not everyone is called to it.
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Yvonne Chase April 20, 2017

@Debbie,

Thank God I’m not the only one who thinks his words don’t make sense. You’re right, everyone is not called to marriage…
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Debbie Kitterman April 20, 2017

Yvonne –
I can only share my thoughts on this subject. I was married when I was 20 – yes, we were babies and yet we have survived and stuck it through the highs and lows. this year we celebrate our 28th anniversary. Marriage isn’t easy, nor is it for everyone. Paul was clear on that. I am not sure I can even relate to what TI said – I see his words as selfish, and think of the hurt and pain he is causing not only his wife, but his children.. Your brother was very wise in his thinking.
Were there times when either or both of us were selfish? Were there times when we felt the other might be holding us back… probably, but at the same time, I feel we are better together, and that the things we couldn’t or weren’t able to do at the time, we were able to do later when other doors were opened.

Yvonne – I really appreciate you shooting straight from the hip and being a voice speaking to those who are single and can relate – keep it up.

Thank you for linking up with #TuneInThursday today! I am so blessed to have you linking your posts as part of the community each Thursday.
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Yvonne Chase April 22, 2017

@Debbie,

Happy Anniversary. May God continue to richly bless you and your marriage.

I like the way you put this: “The things we couldn’t do or weren’t able to do at the time, we were able to do later when other doors opened.” As Ecclesiastes says, there’s a time and place for everything under the sun.
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Michele Morin April 21, 2017

Marriage definitely impacts on my availability for ministry, but I can honestly say that it has been the sandpaper and iron-sharpening-iron that I have needed to become less selfish and more sensitive to the needs of others. Thanks, Yvonne, for moderating this great discussion.
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Yvonne Chase April 21, 2017

@Michele

Thanks for adding your insightful thoughts to this discussion. I’ve heard it said that marriage is the only relationship that destroys our selfish nature…if we let it. Sandpaper and iron sharpening iron…sounds accurate.
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NAnn P April 21, 2017

My thoughts on this:
1) We are to decide BEFORE we get married whether or not is is for us. Years later – with children – is too late for that.
2) The “I’m on a mission” “I’m striving” “I have a purpose” show the selfishness in this person. What is THE FAMILY striving for? What FAMILY mission should they be on? What purpose DID GOD create that FAMILY for?
3) The comment “I don’t have time to” would more accurately be ‘I do not MAKE time to.’
4) “It’s my responsibility to take us onward and upward” is missing the key ingredient: AFTER you received instruction from God – AFTER you sought direction from Holy Spirit – AFTER you surrendered to Jesus.

Seems to me there is a true Headship problem there. He is expecting his wife and children to submit to him yet he refuses to submit to Jesus. Jesus would never send him in a direction that would exclude his wife (with whom he should be one) and his children.

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Kathleen - Bloggers Lifestyle April 23, 2017

Another thoughtful and wise post. How does he think leaving the family unit will enhance his family? He is wanting the freedok to be more selfish. Selfishness all the way.

Kathleen
Blogger’s Pit Stop
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Yvonne Chase April 23, 2017

@Kathleen,

Selfishness all the way. Like you said, leaving his family unit will not enhance it in any way.
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Connie April 23, 2017

I have been on both sides of the fence. I was a single mother for several years ( I left a very abusive marriage), The whole time I was single I wanted a husband who would love me and I could stand by and have a family. I found that Man 11 years ago and we have been married for 10. I am not going to lie it has had it’s struggles but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Marriage takes work and commitment.
Thanks for sharing at LMM Link up to see you again this week.
Have a great week
Connie

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