The Hit List
Marriage. Money. Debt. Divorce. Salary. Sex. Careers. Children. Yesterday on Twitter, one of my followers asked if those things can be discussed on the first date. He wanted to know if those topics were too heavy for a first date. I chimed into his timeline and said those things should absolutely be discussed and the first date is a good time for that discussion. What else are you going to talk about on the first date? Others chimed in to say they didn’t want to come on to strong by hitting their date in the head with a first date hit list. There were other comments about chemistry and getting along with the person first before you get into such heavy conversation.
You’re Not A Match
Here’s my thinking, if two people are not on the same page in the same book, what does chemistry matter? What does it matter if you’re heavily attracted to each other? What does it matter that you both enjoy going to the movies, hiking and building homes with Habitat for Humanity in your spare time? He never wants to get married and you do – he wants kids and you don’t. You’re not a match. I’ve always said, talk about the important stuff immediately and the fluff later.
Eye Gazing?
Last night I watched clips of the new reality show Starter Wives Confidential. All of the ladies are ex’s of celebs and they’re single and ready to mingle. In this episode, I was introduced to eye gazing. Eye gazing is speed dating without words. Basically, you look into each others eyes for a period of time to see if there is chemistry. As I watched, I thought it was stupid, I wondered what type of man would actually sign up to eye gaze besides a pervert who hangs out in a back alley snatching little girls after school then I said to myself, I could never do this because I’d bust out laughing the whole time. Chemistry is why most relationships fail. Chemistry will not sustain a relationship when the foundation of common values, vision, goals, life purpose and non-negotiables are absent.
Non-Negotiables are Non-Negotiable
Sunday when I went out to the Super Bowl party, a gentleman took my number (there was enough chemistry to hand over the digits) and we spoke on Tuesday. In that one conversation, I found out he’s been divorced two years, wants to remarry, has a 22 year old daughter, has a solid career in the financial field, lives in a really nice area, realizes his marriage ended because he let his pride get in the way and so much more including a few non-negotiables. Non-negotiables for me are exactly that…non-negotiable. There’s no need for a first date at this point. I know what I need to know to make the best decision for me. Imagine how uncomplicated dating and relating would be if everyone stopped eye gazing and focused on what really matters.
Something to think about…
What say you? What do you talk about on the first date? Are those topics too heavy for a first date? How long do you wait before you bring up the important stuff? Have you ever been eye gazing? What was that like for you?
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I was recently dating someone I had great chemistry with, shared the same religious beliefs, political views, and valued the sacristy of marriage. We both had one non-negotiable and that was children. I want children and she didn’t. Our chemistry and shared common out look allowed us to get invested with each other quickly; but if we spoke children in the first date we would not have wasted each others time.
And that is my point Sean. Who has time to waste? Since you want kids, that is something you need to lead with. It will save you a lot of time and money:-)
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