Different Views on Marriage
Earlier today I had a conversation with my dear friend Sam about a bone of contention in his marriage. Here’s the deal, Sam and his wife Lisa have different views on marriage. They’re on two different pages in two different books.
Next On Lisa’s List
After God, Sam is next on Lisa’s list of priorities. She includes him in all of her thoughts, plans and ideas. She thinks about him as she thinks about her life and every decision she makes. He’s a part of her and everything she does reflects that. Sam on the other hand has a different idea. His list looks like this; God, working out, work, making money, hanging with his boys, stopping by the bar, taking a meeting and anything else then Lisa. She kinda fits in wherever she can get in.
Quality Time
Lisa’s love language is quality time. Sam doesn’t know that and therein lies the problem. She wants to be a standing appointment on his calendar. She wants Sam to want to spend time with her not fit her in when she makes a request or out of obligation. She looks forward to hearing the key turn in the door sometime around 6:30 pm when he comes in from work. He doesn’t like the idea of going home directly after work. Something about that seriously unnerves him. She’d love nothing more than to have a weekly date night and maybe even meet him for lunch when he has time. None of that happens in their marriage on a consistent basis.
No Friends in Common
In addition, Sam is still trying to hold on to his single life and his friends from that chapter. I always thought that when you get married, you and your spouse at least have a couple of friends in common. He and his wife have no friends in common as a matter of fact, his wife does not like his friends nor does she want to hang out with them and she would prefer he didn’t hang out with them either. Can’t say I blame her! I think that’s a problem don’t you?
She’s My Ace!
Tonight I turned to Twitter to get some insight on friends in marriage and one of my male followers said, each of our respective friends became OUR friends. Some weren’t good for our relationship. Those that weren’t making us better were let go. We all just grew apart. It wasn’t even that conscious. Our priorities were different. I still have my “boys.” But they are her friends also (and vice versa). I just don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy relationship if you have your OWN friends that the other doesn’t care for. The past was fun, and I lived it up!! But when I met my wife, I knew there was so much more I could do and be. As for what I still hold on to from back then- nothing really. My frat brothers, boys, etc have grown with me. We still travel together. Five of us still do Vegas every year with the full blessings of our wives. I’m not losing a wife over a buddy that keeps me from growing to my full potential. She’s my ace!
Lisa Is Not His Ace
And that’s the problem right there; Lisa is not his ace. When Lisa becomes his ace, his priorities and friends will change. In her ideal world, they would have mutual friends that support and enhance their marriage. They would have friends they hang out with together and apart. This piece of their marriage is very strange to me. I’ve never seen anything like it. Have you?
Something to think about…
What say you? If your mate doesn’t like your friends, do you make a change or does your mate need to get over it? Did your friends change when you got married? Is it a problem when a married couple has no mutual friends? How do you prioritize your marriage? Where does your spouse fit in?
Here’s 2 things I’d like you to do now:
1. Share this post if you like it
2. Leave a comment below
P.S. If you’ve never heard of love languages and want to find out yours, go here.
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Yvonne,
Good post and stuff for married couples–and those thinking about getting married–to think about. I have been married for less than five months and so far have never had to deal with the friends vs. our relationship question. My husband and I both value our old friendships–including with the opposite sex–and have maintained those relationships without any hiccups (and we both have a lot of friends). What has helped up: we each thought our friends were so cool that we wanted the other person to meet them, and it never failed that we ended up being their friend “as a couple.” Also, while we have single friends, we have also naturally started talking to the married ones more and we hang out with other couples regularly. Also, we never made each other feels like outsiders to a certain relationship, especially friendships with those of the opposite sex. In fact, my husband’s formally best “female friend” is now one of my closest friends and was in our wedding. Also, we are respectful. When we were dating, my husband made a point of asking me if I wanted to meet such and such with him for lunch, and so did I. And when it comes to the “boys,” my husband sometimes invites me along to go to bars to watch the game and stuff (I decline most of the time). And that is because I feel comfortable with who his friends are because they all know and respect me.
@TeamPitts, I think the difference between you and your hubby vs. Sam and Lisa is that you and your hubby move as a couple not as two individuals living under the same roof. I get a sense that you are at the top of each others list therefore being together and spending time together is a natural occurrence…something you both want to happen not something that happens when you have time. Your actions are intentional not accidental.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
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