Hard Conversations Today Make Life Easier Today

by Yvonne Chase on July 25, 2017

Run From Hard Conversations
Call me crazy but I’m a HUGE fan of hard conversations and that’s why I’m a HUGE fan of Peter on The Bachelorette. Many of us run from hard conversations. We worry about the outcome. And of course we wonder what they will think of us; she’s needy, crazy, starting trouble, can’t let things be. We’re afraid it might turn into a blow-up fight and so on and so forth. 

Long Moments Of Silence
I guess those things cross my mind too but I don’t care nor do I care so much about how the hard conversation is delivered. Hard conversations are hard. Sometimes there’s yelling. Other times there are tears. Sometimes it’s a combination of yelling, tears and walking out. Sweaty palms, stare downs and long moments of silence can also be a part of hard conversations. I’d rather all of that instead of not having the conversation.

hard
Ready To Be Married
Tonight on The Bachelorette, Peter had a hard conversation with Rachel and her family. This week, he and the two remaining suitors; Eric and Bryan went home with Rachel to Dallas, Texas. Peter is very committed to the process and he is committed to Rachel, however, he is not committed to proposing because that’s what the show expects and that’s what Rachel wants. When Peter proposes, he will do so because he is ready to be married not be engaged. Do you get that? 

No Wedding Date In Mind
Rachel made it crystal clear that at the end of this process, she wants a fiance, even if she’s a fiancee with no wedding date in mind. She did not sign up to be The Bachelorette to end up with a boyfriend. 

Told His Truth
The next step for her is a husband and babies. I love a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to say it. I also love an honest man who shares his heart even when he’s afraid.  Peter felt the fear and told his truth anyway. Take a look…

Couldn’t Find Common Ground
And that is why my relationship ended…we were at polar opposites on a matter that had nothing to do with engagements or proposals and neither of us would/could bend. As much as we both wanted our relationship, we couldn’t find common ground. I wonder if Rachel and Peter will have a different ending. 

Take A Chance
Hard conversations are a part of life. We don’t know what the response will be until we step up and take a chance. It may work in our favor and it may not. I like Shonda Rhimes take on hard conversations. She says:

“Because no matter how hard a conversation is, I know that on the other side of that difficult conversation lies peace. Knowledge. An answer is delivered. Character is revealed. Truces are formed. Misunderstandings are resolved. Freedom lies across the field of the difficult conversation. And the more difficult the conversation, the greater the freedom.” 

Tongue In A Knot
So true. I thought about a friend while watching the exchange between Peter and Rachel. It’s an exchange he needs to have with his girlfriend, however, fear has his tongue in a knot. If he doesn’t speak up sooner than later, he will lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him. In an effort to help him (I  hope he’s reading) and you, I found a few tips from Mindful Marriage And Family Therapy on how to have hard conversations:

1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling; afraid, nervous, anxious, unsure, excited, empowered, frightened etc.

2. Get clear on the message you want to deliver. What do you want their take away to be?

3. Make a list of the points you want to cover. Emotions can take over causing us to lose our train of thought. Creating a list creates confidence as we lean in.

4. Speak from an “I” position to avoid defensiveness. Don’t tell them about themselves, tell them about you; how you feel, what you want, what you need. 

5. Just do it. Lean in. Start the conversation even if your palms are sweaty and your voice is shaking. Remember what Shonda Rhimes said, there’s some type of freedom on the other side.

Are you ready to have the hard conversations? 

Something to think about…

P.S. I agree with Peter. Engagement means marriage. When he proposes, planning the wedding will begin immediately following. He’s ready to be a husband, not a fiancee. I like Peter even more. 

P.P.S. I think Bryan will propose to Rachel, she will say yes, and Peter will be the next Bachelorette. Eric, the black guy, will be sent home. 

What say you? How do you approach hard conversations? What does engagement mean to you? Is it a time to cultivate the relationship or is it a time to plan a wedding? Can you find common ground among polar opposites? 

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Rebecca L Jones July 25, 2017

I’m not really into reality television, but I agree people should talk and communicate better.

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2017

@Rebecca,

Yes, we all could do better at communicating and that is why I wrote this post. Communication is SUPER important to all of our relationships. The Bachelorette provided lots of great lessons this season and that is why I watch. Thanks for stopping by.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Yesterday’s Hard Conversation Wore Me OutMy Profile

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Sheila T. July 26, 2017

Excellent post Yvonne. This is my first time watching the show; great commentary, Rachel has been clear on her goals and objectives, Peter has been honest, which I really respect and admire. Totally agree with you pps. Alas, we’ll have to wait two weeks to find out.

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2017

@Sheila,

Too bad we have to wait two weeks. Yeah, Peter is my kind of guy. Love his honesty.

I’m a huge fan of Rachel because she has definitely been clear on her goals from day one and she has navigated the process in such a way to get what she wants in the end.

As I said here, more women should follow her lead while dating.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Hardness Of Heart, Decision Day, And Married At First SightMy Profile

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Robin Revis Pyke July 28, 2017

A Christian Counselor once shared with me that it is important to begin with, I feel or this is how ______ made me feel. I’ve learned to use these words with those hard conversations and it helps! I’m not putting the individual on the defense when I begin with I feel. Thank you for sharing!

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2017

@Robin,

Exactly! Leading with “I” statements lets the other person off the hook and keeps defensiveness at bay. If only we could remember to lead with “I” when we have hard conversations.
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Barrie Bismark July 28, 2017

I think that real conversations are getting harder these days. It is so important. Sometimes I would love to just sit around and not talk to my spouse, but if you lose that connection it is hard to get back.
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Yvonne Chase August 1, 2017

@Barrie,

In any relationship, once you lose that communication connection, it’s hard to get it back. The wider the gap, the harder it is to close.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Hardness Of Heart, Decision Day, And Married At First SightMy Profile

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