Fall In Love With Who He Is Not Who He Pretends To Be

by Yvonne Chase on July 28, 2016

A Mere Six Months
“I fell in love with who he pretended to be” is the answer Keshia Knight Pulliam aka Rudy gave when asked if she still loves her now ex-husband Ed Hartwell who abruptly filed for divorce after a mere six months of marriage.  They dated for all of four months before saying I do in their living room on New Years Eve 2015.  

keshia
Keep Your Eyes Wide Open
Stories like this are why I wrote this post about idealism vs realism. If a man wants to marry you badly enough, he will pretend to be everything you want him to be.  Keep your eyes wide open while dating.  When I shared those sentiments on Twitter, my little sister chimed in and said, “Yup!!! And he will rush you so that he doesn’t have to fake for long. Mine tried to get me married in three months.”

Women Pretend Too
Men aren’t the only pretenders.  Women pretend too.  If a woman wants to be married badly enough, she’ll pretend to not see what’s staring her in the face. The worst part of this story is Keshia is pregnant with their daughter. What a horrible mess! Watch the video below and we’ll talk after…


Dragging His Feet
That’s painful to watch. Sweet Rudy deserves so much better.  Before dating Ed, Keshia was in a relationship with Big Tigger.  Apparently, they broke up because he was dragging his feet to the altar.  Seems like she really wanted to be married.  Seems like she really wanted to be married to have a baby. 

keshia
Okay Being Single
So how do we avoid finding ourselves in Keshia’s shoes? You know what, as I said here,

  1. We have to get to a place where we are okay being single.
  2. We have the patience to wait for God’s best no matter how long it takes.
  3. We don’t define any part of our lives by our relationship status.

Not Pressed
When a woman is not okay being single, she ignores the red flags. When a woman is okay being single, she walks away. When a woman has the patience to wait for God’s best, she takes her time in getting to know someone. She’s not pressed on any side.  When a woman does not define any part of her life by her relationship status, it’s easy for her to live out numbers one and two.  

The Exception Not The Rule
Based on what I saw in that video especially the end of it, it’s clear Keshia wanted a baby and she wanted it in marriage.  Unfortunately, she picked the wrong guy and unfortunately she stayed too long with Big Tigger.  When we stay too long, we are now pressed for time and we marry the first reasonable option. Keshia is a 37-year-old woman. While many women are having children at a later age, that’s the exception, not the rule. 

There Are Always Signs
I’m sure during their short four months of dating, Keshia saw a sign that should’ve made her pause. There’s always a sign.  We know Ed from seeing him on the Real Housewives of Atlanta when he was married to Lisa Wu with whom he shares an 8-year-old son. Apparently, Lisa found out about his marriage online even though they all ran in the same circles. He didn’t have the decency or respect to tell her he was marrying Keshia. I’d say that’s a sign, wouldn’t you? He repeated that behavior by not having the decency and respect to let Keshia know his plans to divorce beforehand.  

keshia
The Signs Were There
I’ve been doing this a long time.  Every time I hear a story of a marriage gone wrong, the signs were there early on but they were ignored, rationalized or watered down to not being such a big deal. As one of my Twitter followers says and I agree, “That still small voice is always speaking, but we choose to “follow your heart”. Worst advice to receive or give.  Worst advice indeed. Our hearts will betray us every single time. Jeremiah 17:9 warns us about our heart; “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” We must use our heads and our hearts simultaneously.

“Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90% of your happiness or misery.”  H. Jackson Brown 

Something to think about…

What say you? How soon is too soon to marry? 

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1. Leave a comment below

2. Share this post if you like it

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Yvette L July 28, 2016

I think there is great wisdom in this post that can protect women from making mistakes they will regret. I totally agree with rejecting the popular advice to “listen to your heart!” Listen to the Holy Spirit instead; he will never lead you wrong.

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2016

@Yvette,

Amen to listening to the Holy Spirit. He reveals all truth and never leads me wrong. I couldn’t/wouldn’t date without it.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Date Naked Not In The NudeMy Profile

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Lyli July 28, 2016

Yvonne,

Welcome to Thought-Provoking Thursday! I was single until my 40’s, so the focus of your blog makes my heart happy. Wish I had found you in 1998 when I needed a good friend to tell me the truth

Blessings,
Lyli
Lyli recently posted…Be a Blessing CounterMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2016

@Lyli,

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll be your good friend moving forward to tell you the truth.:-)
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Idealism vs Realism While Dating, Relating And MatingMy Profile

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KellyRBaker July 28, 2016

Tricky subject. I’m glad someone is tackling it! I’ve always believed that it is key to be sure of God’s will when marrying, and pray for discernment!
KellyRBaker recently posted…Who Do We Worship?My Profile

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2016

@Kelly,

Discernment is key when dating and definitely being sure of God’s will.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Cheat, Forgive, Reconcile Or BounceMy Profile

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Horace Williams Jr July 28, 2016

Well stated Yvonne,
I am still single in my forties but I have come to terms that God has other plans for my life. I have been there were you ignore the signs and I’m thankful God spared me from marrying back then. I was not seeking God wholeheartedly and it would have been painful. Definitely a post that needs to be shared! Have a wonderful weekend and may God bless you and yours in all your endeavors!
Horace Williams Jr recently posted…How to Listen for the Beautiful Voice of GodMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2016

@Horace,

I believe we’ve all ignored the signs at one time or another. If we are willing to pay attention to the signs, God will spare us every time.

As others said above, being sure of God’s will is necessary before moving forward in marriage and we must use lots of discernment while relying on the Holy Spirit to reveal all truth.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Under Construction And No Dating For Six MonthsMy Profile

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Lori July 30, 2016

I’m clapping my hands and WOO-HOOING!! Yvonne, thank you for sharing the truth. I was engaged 2 times prior to my husband and both times there were red flags. I’m thankful I walked away from both of those men, one became an alcoholic and the other was an abuser. Long story short I was given the advice to pray for a friend – forget about a spouse because you can’t have a marriage if you don’t have a friendship first. Six months after I began praying for the Lord to send me a friend, He did and we got married nine months later. We’ve been married for 18 years and have a 16 year old son and I’m thankful I waited on the Lord. Thank you for sharing these truths with Thankful Thursdays. I hope to see you again next week.

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Yvonne Chase August 1, 2016

@Lori,

I’m glad you walked away too. Sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets. Great advice to pray for a friend. Friendship first is best.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Date Naked Not In The NudeMy Profile

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Linay August 2, 2016

This was SO ON POINT Chase! There are ALWAYS signs! Coming off of a failed marriage myself, I took some time to process, analyze, and understand MY ROLE as well as HIS ROLE in the end result of our divorce. Sometimes people always want to point the finger at the other person but never look in the mirror to see what they did to assist with the outcome. Like they say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you ignore signs that’s what happens, you get blindsided by the reaction because you never paid attention to the initial action. I pray that Keyshia finds peace and their daughter won’t suffer from the actions of her parents.

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Yvonne Chase January 10, 2017

@Linay,

You did the right thing by taking some time off to analyze and understand your role. Many don’t take that time. Instead, they go full steam ahead into a new relationship. Pointing fingers is easy. Taking responsibility? Not so much!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…4 Ways To Buy The Perfect Gift For HerMy Profile

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