Making a Down Payment
Tonight I participated in a Twitter chat about what a man expects when he takes a woman on a date. Several years ago, a fifty something year old gentleman said, “Yvonne, every time a man takes you out, he’s making a down payment.” I didn’t know what he was talking about so I asked, “On what?” and he said, “Sex!”
We Control What He Gets
That conversation took me back to the scene in the movie Brown Sugar when Boris Kodjoe closed down the restaurant for his first date with Sanaa Lathan. On the way home she said to him, “So you think you gettin’ some booty?” And he said, “Yes, well, not tonight but eventually. That’s why we do what we do.” A man is free to expect whatever he wants. Doesn’t mean he’s going to get it. We don’t control what he expects. We control what he gets.
Disney TV Fantasy
As the chat continued, we discussed what to ask/not ask on the first date. One gentleman in particular had a problem with a woman who said, “I only date with intent to marry. I don’t date just for the heck of it.” He went as far as saying, “Dating with marriage on the mind from jump is stupid!” He called it a Disney TV fantasy. Here’s some more of what he said;
- First date you should never ask me about my thoughts on marriage unless you want to watch me sprint away.
- You shouldn’t prioritize getting a ring, dress & cake. You should prioritize your relationship w/ your fella.
- If marriage is on your mind first and foremost then your want is for a wedding. Its cut n paste as to who it’s too.
- No man wants to marry you forever after the first date.
You can ask about whatever you want on the first date including marriage. How you ask is the game changer. If the guy sprints away from you, clearly he’s not the guy for you and that’s a win-win for both of you.
Whatever Happens, Happens
It’s funny how we prioritize everything else in our lives and we’re crystal clear about what we want and how we want it; jobs, living space, housing, cars etc yet when it comes to dating, relating and mating, we’re expected to show up with a “whatever happens, happens” attitude.
Marry Her After The First Date
Just because a woman is dating with marriage on the mind doesn’t mean she wants you to marry her after the first date. Let me show you how it’s done. After meeting at an event, my path crossed with a gentleman sitting at another table. We introduced ourselves, made small talk and exchanged information. The small talk was so good that we decided to continue it over a casual lunch.
Keep The Questions Coming
Stevie Wonder could see the mutual interest and attraction and the gentleman made it clear he was both interested and attracted. At our second outing, we talked extensively about our mutual faith and how we live it and then we talked a lot about his last relationship which led to a great conversation about dating and marriage. I asked a lot of questions that he was happy to answer as a matter of fact, he said, “Keep the questions coming. I’m enjoying this. This is great!” It was great! We enjoyed a balanced exchange of give and take and had a lot of fun.
No Hard Feelings
Our third outing was where the rubber met the road. In a very roundabout way, we both realized we were not on the same page about something very important to me that ought to be important to him too however, he was willing to negotiate it. I’m not. That was our third and final outing. No hard feelings. That’s how you date with marriage on the mind. Did we have fun? Absolutely! It was a wonderful experience. I would say we’re both better off for having known each other. Did he feel pressured? Absolutely not! Did we go with the flow? We sure did. We flowed effortlessly from one outing to the next. We ate great meals, laughed out loud often and had really great conversations. My experience with him is what I want for every single person going on dates.
Raised My Eyebrow
When you date with marriage on the mind, you hear things you need to hear that you’d probably miss if you didn’t have marriage on the mind. At our third outing, he said something that raised my eyebrow. I paid attention and followed it up with several questions for clarification and that is when I realized we were not on the same page, heck, we weren’t even in the same book! I probably wouldn’t have caught that if I wasn’t dating with marriage on the mind.
Its None Of His Business
Here’s the thing ladies, you are the only one who needs to know you’re dating with marriage on the mind. You don’t have to make any formal announcements or introduce yourself with, “Hi, my name is (fill in the blank) and I’m dating with marriage on the mind.” No! Keep it to yourself, have a great time getting to know a new person and let it flow. It’s none of his business until it needs to be his business.
When you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it. Bill Cosby
Something to think about…
What say you? Is it stupid to date with marriage on the mind? Is it okay to talk about marriage on the first date? Why? Why not? Is prioritizing marriage a good idea? Why? Why not?
Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:
1. Leave a comment below
2. Share this post if you like it