I Didn’t Mean To Marry My Parent But It Looks Like I Did

by Yvonne Chase on August 1, 2017

Did You Marry Your Parent?

Last week while talking to a gentleman about a few challenges in his marriage, I asked him if he married his mother. Studies show men marry their mothers and daughters marry their fathers. 

Qualities Of Her Father
Men tend to marry a woman that looks like his mother and has her personality and daughters tend to marry a man that has qualities of her father and may even look like him.

He Did Marry His Mother
I happen to believe that. Do you? It’s what I’ve observed amongst many of the married people around me. His answer to my question was, “I didn’t mean to marry my mother but it looks like I did.” Based on what he shared with me, I can agree that he did marry his mother which is why I asked the question in the first place. 

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End Up Divorced
You will marry your mother and I will marry my father if I’m unaware of who they are as people. It’s no different than repeating generational behaviors, patterns, and curses. We repeat what we do not face and more than likely we will marry what we don’t realize.  My friend didn’t realize he married his mother until we were deep in conversation about his mother’s personality and how things were between her and his father when they were growing up and even after they divorced. If he’s not careful, he could end up divorced like his Dad. 

Seen Both Sides
So, do we want to avoid marrying our parents? Only you can answer that question. As I said to him and others, my parents have taught me what I want in a mate and what I don’t want. They’ve shown me the kind of marriage I want to be a part of and the kind I don’t. I’ve seen both sides from their union of over fifty years prior to my mothers passing and I’m grateful for it. 

Tall And Lean
I’ve never dated a man that looks like my dad, however, every guy I’ve dated has been taller than me except one short guy and one fluffy guy. My dad is tall and lean. Our relationship has always been strained because I’m different than my siblings. 

Fearfully And Wonderfully Made
According to my Dad, I’m the most different child he has and he wonders where I came from. He wants to know why I can’t be like the others. Well, I can’t be like the others nor do I want to be like the others because God made me this way and I happen to love the way he knit me together in my mother’s womb. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. Just because everyone is the same doesn’t mean something is wrong with you and all is right with them.

A Beast Rises Up In Me
Because of this dynamic, it’s super important for me to be with a man who accepts me and doesn’t try to control me or change me. Like I said here, a beast rises up in me when anyone, especially a man tries to control me. I can’t even begin to tell you what that does to me. It even unnerves me when I see other men trying to control women. That comes directly from my childhood and my experience with my Dad.

Leave Behind
Awareness is the name of the game. It shows us what we want to take from our parents and what we want to leave behind. Because of this awareness, I have never dated a man who’s tried to control me or change me. 

Pounce On You Like A Bandit
On the flip side, my dad took Proverbs 6:10-11 to heart; 

10 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber,
    a little folding of the hands to rest—
11 then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit;
    scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.of destruction.  

Takes Pride In His Work
He liked to work and took pride in his work. The spirit of laziness had no place in his life and it still doesn’t even now that he’s retired. Sure, he could sleep well into the afternoon but he doesn’t. He still gets up early, ready to face the day. Dad was an excellent provider for our family. We had everything we needed and wanted for nothing. That’s why a man who works, likes to work and takes pride in his work is a huge turn on to me. 

Very Revealing
I’ve used much of my single life to gain an understanding of what I come from. A couple of months ago, I did a gene tree that traced all the way back to my parent’s parents and the types of relationships they had with their siblings and family members. It was very revealing and provided great insight.

Pros And Cons
In closing I will leave you with this, as we gain a better understanding of who we are and what we come from, we can look at the pros and cons in our family relationships and decide what we want to take with us and what we want to leave behind. We can love our parents fully knowing that we’re all flawed human beings doing the best we can.

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Something to think about…

What say you? Did you marry your parent? How important is it to gain wisdom and understanding around what we come from? Were you aware before you got married? 

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Michele Morin August 3, 2017

I’m not much like my mother-in-law — except that she loved to cook and so do I. And she loved my husband! 🙂
Michele Morin recently posted…The Spiritual Practice of CuriosityMy Profile

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Becky Hastings August 7, 2017

I’ve heard this idea before, but it’s interesting how it can shift a bit depending on circumstances. I think sometimes we gravitate toward what is familiar and sometimes we run from it. Many fall somewhere in between! lol
Becky Hastings recently posted…Did You Miss the Boat?My Profile

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Yvonne Chase August 7, 2017

@Becky,

I’ve seen both sides; blindly gravitating to what’s familiar and running from it. What I’ve observed is we really can’t run from anything in life because life always catches us. Sometimes the very thing we’re running from is who we are becoming.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Hardness Of Heart, Decision Day, And Married At First SightMy Profile

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Kimberly H. Smith August 9, 2017

Yes, I married my father! I knew when my husband and I were dating. Because we began dating as teenagers, I didn’t see it then. But the signs started to show when we were in our 20s. It’s actually a good thing. They are both strong men who are diligent about providing for and protecting their family. My father has been married to my mother for 45 years.
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