Keri Hilson Says; Never Drop Your Standards

by Yvonne Chase on February 13, 2014

You Have High Values
Earlier this week, a friend and I were talking about relationships and my single life.  He said, “You have high standards.” Then he emphatically said, “No, you don’t have high standards, you have high values and they’re not negotiable.  That’s a good thing.  There’s a difference between high standards and high values.”

Know Who You Are
Later in the week, gorgeous R&B singer Keri Hilson was asked the number one piece of relationship advice she would give to ladies and she said, “Know who you are and never drop your standards for anyone.  That’s it and I mean that in every sense of the relationship. There are some things you can tweak in a relationship but not your standards.  Not that.” Keri was dating NBA player Serge Ibaka and word on the street is they are no longer an item.  Maybe it had something to do with her standards? I don’t know but I like her piece of advice if she understands the true meaning of standards. That’s Keri below. Isn’t her dress beautiful?

standards
Negative Instead Of Positive
When I hear women today talk about standards, it usually comes from a place of, “He better be this and he better be that.  He better not do this and he better not do that.  He’s not good enough for me and I won’t settle for that.”  It becomes a hierarchy measuring stick.   It’s negative instead of positive.  That kind of conversation and what its directed towards has nothing to do with standards.

He Better Open Doors For Me
Standards are behaviors you hold yourself to.  They’re about you and how you choose to show up and be in your relationship.  For example, a woman’s standard for herself might be no sex before marriage.  That is a behavior she holds herself to that most likely is connected to her values.  Values influence our standards. I hope Keri understands what standards are and I hope her relationship didn’t end because of her misunderstanding of standards. If Keri’s standard was no sex before marriage and her relationship ended because of it, good for Keri.  If Keri’s standard was he better open doors for me and her relationship ended because he didn’t, not so good for Keri.  See how that works?

standards

Something to think about…

What say you? How do you define standards? 

Here are two things I’d like you to do now:

1.  Leave a comment below

2.  Share this post if you like it

{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }

Wilma Jones February 14, 2014

I think it’s super important to have standards. For both men and women. I am focused on character. Improving my own and only spending time with people who are doing the same. Stopping by from SITS girls comment love. http://www.LivingHappierAfter.com

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Wilma,

You make a great point. Men AND women need to have standards.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Tanya February 14, 2014

You have some very good points. I will have to pass these on to my teenage daughter! Visiting from #Sitsblogging.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Thanks Tanya for passing these on to your teenage daughter. The earlier we can get good information to them, the better. They are the future.

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Vicky February 14, 2014

So true about having standards and keeping them for you and your partner. You want both and they should be respected. I will also have to pass this on to my girls. Thank you!!!

L,
Vicky
http://www.themummychronicles.com
#CommentLove #SITSBlogging

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Vicky,

Yes indeed. Standards should be respected. Thanks for passing this on to your girls and thanks for stopping by. I can always count on my SITSTAHS!

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Tamara February 14, 2014

Completely agree. We shouldn’t have to change who we are, lowering our standards or settling. A recent conversation with my daughter, she was dating someone and asked if she was being too picky &/or settling. She did move on, hard but for the best. stopping by way of The SITS Girls

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Tamara,

I really hope women truly understand the definition of standards.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Tosin AK February 14, 2014

Great post…very true words too. Women should truly know and learn so much about themselves before trying to get in relationships with others.
Btw Keri’s outfit is really cute.

Tosin AK via SITS Blogging
http://mystylepad.com/

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Tosin,

Yes, learning as much about self before getting into a relationship is important.

I LOVE Keri’s dress. The fabric is gorgeous! The dress is simple. Its the fabric that makes it pop!

Thanks for stopping by!

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Thea February 14, 2014

I so agree with this belief when it comes to committing yourself to relationships. I have also taught this to my daughters who are now in their twenties. Interestingly, they both are still single and are pursuing their own interests and career goals for now and I’m OK with that. Thank you for sharing this! Stopping by via #SITSBlogging!

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Thea,

Good for your daughters. Sounds like you’ve instilled some great stuff in them. Twenties is a great time to pursue their own interests and career goals. I’m sure they will make great man choices with your guidance.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Running Hutch February 14, 2014

Well said! Standards are about YOU, not about controlling someone else.
#SITSBlogging

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Thank you Running Hutch for saying that. Too many women think its about controlling him.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Teri February 14, 2014

To me, standards are the criteria you use to make choices in your life… Values are about your ethics and moral standards. Just sayin! Great questions to ponder. #SITSBlogging #CommentLove

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Teri

I believe our values influence our standards. For example, a woman who has a standard of no sex before marriage probably came to that place based on her values.

Thanks for stopping by.

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Tiffany February 14, 2014

I know what you are saying, however I slightly disagree with your example.

“If Keri’s standard was no sex before marriage and her relationship ended because of it, good for Keri. If Keri’s standard was he better open doors for me and her relationship ended because he didn’t, not so good for Keri. ”

Why would it not be okay for someone to want a person to treat them a certain way? I don’t feel this is any different than someone showing you respect in the way they speak to you. Opening a door for someone else is a way to show respect. I feel like if you leave a relationship because you aren’t being treated the way in which you would like to be treated, then good for you. In my opinion, what is controlling would be to demand that from someone, but if you find someone who has the value of opening doors for others… then I saw hold out for that type of person.

Stopping in from #SITSblogging #CommentLove

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Tiffany,

Here’s what I’m saying, not having doors opened for you is not a reason to leave a relationship especially if all else is well. All that requires is a conversation. Tell him you like having doors open for you. Find out why he isn’t doing it. Maybe he did it in the past and it wasn’t appreciated. Maybe he wants to open doors for you but you open them faster than he can get to it.

I’ve had the “open door” conversation with numerous men who would gladly open a door but don’t do it because its not appreciated, the woman feels inferior…she can open her own door or they’re not given the chance. Some men have even said women don’t expect men to open doors since we’re all equal so they don’t bother anymore. There are many reasons.

I remember getting to know a gentleman back in the day and he said, I like the way you sit in the car and wait for me to open the door. I like the way you step aside when we arrive at dinner and give me the chance to get the door for you.

That’s what I meant. Does that make sense? I wouldn’t leave an otherwise great relationship because he didn’t open doors for me. I’d talk to him about it. Its an easy fix.

Thanks for stopping by with a great comment. Disagreeing is good. It broadens the dialogue and peels back the layers.

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Val @ Live My DIY Home February 14, 2014

Agreed. Too often people drop their personal standards to keep a relationship, but end up losing in the long run. I think it’s because if an insecurity – they aren’t confident in who they are. Nice post.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

@Val,

Yes, insecurity plays a big factor in that right along with not wanting to be alone. People put up with a lot to avoid being single.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Tara Newman February 14, 2014

I like the differentiation between standards and values. If you don’t stick to your core values, the relationship won’t work. You can negotiate on lesser important behaviors or characteristics but values are non-negotiables. Stopping by from SITSblogging.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Tara,

Exactly! We can negotiate on lesser important behaviors or characteristics. Negotiating values is a no-no. Shared values are the foundation of lasting relationships.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Kimberly Amici February 14, 2014

I love this distinction between standards and values. I think when I was single I walked the fine line of this. I played the standard card when I wasn’t fully invested in the relationship. But when I met my husband I didn’t comprise my values… that’s how I knew he was the one.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Kimberly,

Interesting comment. What do you mean when you say you played the standard card when you weren’t fully invested in the relationship?

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Tammy @ creativekkids.com February 14, 2014

Good post. I guess if he didn’t open doors and that was one sign of his disrespect for her that might go against a standard of having respect for each other 🙂 Everyone needs to know their own standards–and stick to them; because if they settle for something else, they won’t he happy in the long run. I’m coming by from #SITSBlogging!

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Hello Tammy,

Thanks for stopping by. Standards are behaviors we hold ourselves to. If a woman wants a man to open doors for her for example, that’s a simple conversation. Its not settling to be with a man who doesn’t open doors for you if all else is well in the relationship. We grossly misinterpret the words settling and standards at times and sometimes to our detriment.

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Monique February 14, 2014

This is a really good article! Standards and values are different–and I agree we should live up to the “standards” we expect our partner to uphold as well.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Monique,

If my standards are for me and not you, is it fair to expect you to live up to my standards? How is that possible?

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TerriAnn @ Driving Mama February 14, 2014

I definitely think it’s important to set standards and values that you’d like in a relationship. Lowering those or ‘settling’ is unwise for yourself and unfair for the other party. That said, I think those should be reasonable and that one first needs to examine what traits they have to offer!

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

@TerriAnn,

What do you mean when you say settling?

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Taralyn February 14, 2014

Love the quote in the opening graphic – so true! One of the best pieces of advice that I received as a teenager was to set your standard and then stick to it! Make up your mind about what you will or will not do ONCE. It made life much simpler for me because I had decided in advance what I would or would not do.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

Taralyn,

LOVE this: “Make up your mind about what you will or will not do ONCE.”

Thanks for stopping by!

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George Scheide February 14, 2014

I hate to speculate, but maybe all the women that throw themselves at NBA players bothered her. Maybe his response, or acceptance, to these women was the problem. I hate to condemn the man, but I bet I’m closer to the truth than whether he opened doors for her. Good convo though. People need to know what standards are and why they shouldn’t be compromised.

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Yvonne Chase February 14, 2014

George,

I used the example opening doors to show what a standard is NOT. I’ve heard many women use that as an example of a standard then say they won’t settle for a man who doesn’t open doors.

Having a man open doors would fall under the category of an expectation or a want not a standard.

Only God knows why Keri and Serge parted ways. I have no clue!

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George Scheide February 14, 2014

I know Yvonne. I agree with you. I also agree that dress is fantastic! 😉

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WendysHat February 15, 2014

Absolutely! Keep them high. I love your shoe print too!

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Tammy February 15, 2014

Always keep them high actually all your life. Not only in your love life, but work life, family life, etc. Thanks for sharing and the dress is fabulous.

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Yvonne Chase February 15, 2014

Yes Tammy…we ought to keep our standards high in every area of our lives not just our love lives. Great reminder.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Tenns @ New Mama Diaries February 15, 2014

Standards are so important! Every woman should value herself enough and know her worth, and set standards. Its also important to be realistic with these standards and not let them put you in a place of negativity. Sometimes, whether standards are too high or low, they can be a detriment rather than help.

Stopping by from #SITSBlogging!

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Yvonne Chase February 15, 2014

Tenns,

You’re right, its very important to be realistic with standards because they can be a detriment. With that said, and based on many of these comments, many have standards confused with expectations and wants.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Trish February 15, 2014

I’ve been in a relationship where I was told I was trying to “change” the other person. That I was trying to push my standards onto him. I had to take a good hard look at what I expect from a relationship, and I realized that my “standards” aren’t about changing the other person. They’re just a road map to the person who is right for me. I expect faithfulness and respect, which is something he couldn’t give me. I guess not compromising on those things made him feel like he had to change to meet those standards. But I suppose if a guy (or girl) can’t live up to those two simple things, it was never meant to be in the first place.

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Yvonne Chase February 15, 2014

Trish,

This is good: “My “standards” aren’t about changing the other person. They’re just a road map to the person who is right for me.”

If a person can’t be faithful, clearly they are not ready for a committed relationship.

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Tammilee February 15, 2014

I love this quote! Standards are so important to making sure you live your life at your personal standards and goals

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Tamara (at PenPaperPad) February 16, 2014

Everybody should have standards of how they want to be treated and what they will stand for. #SITS

3sit

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Tonia L. Clark February 17, 2014

I LOVE Keri’s dress! So refreshing to see a modest AND beautiful dress worn by a celebrity these days! It can be done! I think she looks very feminine and beautiful in it too.
I do think that there is certain a difference between high standards and high values. Value yourself as a woman and more importantly as a child of God. He didn’t send us here to be sex objects I’m certain of that. I was single until I was 30 years old and I saw many men and women become more and more picky about who they would date. What it came down to is they wanted to be accepted for themselves ‘as is’ but weren’t willing to bend or compromise for little things. In a relationship you choose your battles. But when it comes down to your values and what is REALLY important to you, you should never bend. If I stuck to my ‘mental list’ in my head of everything a guy had to meet before I would marry him, I would still be alone and single. Silly things like “He has to be a good dancer, he has to drive a nice car, a good cook, etc.” those things are superficial and in the end don’t matter nearly as much as his values and what he stands for. That’s my viewpoint anyways.

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Yvonne Chase February 17, 2014

Tonia,

This is why I had to clarify what standards are because believe it or not, some women think these items you mentioned are standards; “He has to be a good dancer, he has to drive a nice car, a good cook, etc.”

And yes, its toatally refreshing to see a female celebrity dressed feminine and modest and still looking drop dead gorgeous. She is proof that it can be done!

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Trish February 18, 2014

Simple, true and straight to the point. Also, loving your whole blog!

Your SITSTAH,
Trish

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