Stop Getting Yourself Together And Get Married

by Yvonne Chase on March 3, 2014

Yes But Not Right Now
Last week, I met Calvin, a recent graduate of  NYU.  Calvin is in the thick of building his Communications firm.  As we talked about his business and my blog, he told me about his girlfriend Julia.  When I asked if he would marry her, his eyes lit up and he excitedly said,  “Definitely! I wouldn’t date her if I didn’t think I could marry her…but not right now.  No time soon as a matter of fact.  I’m young.  I need to get myself together.  There are some things I need to accomplish first before marriage.”

together

Don’t Do That
Building his business, buying a condo, setting up a bi-coastal living situation, getting a new luxury car, stacking some cash and traveling the world are a few of the items on Calvin’s list of things to do before I say I do.  Calvin is like most men I meet today.  They have to get their life together in a way that’s satisfactory for them before they find a wife.  When I heard Calvin’s thoughts, my first words to him were, don’t do that.  You’re making a big mistake.  You’re leaning on your own understanding.  If you know for sure she is a woman you want to marry, you need to get married sooner than later.

Done Faster
Everything you want to accomplish can be done with her and it can probably be done faster.   Then I reminded him of the most important thing; his walk with God.  I said to him, if you want to remain sexually pure and have a relationship that honors God, marrying sooner than later is wise.  Your lofty goals and the empire you want to build are not more important than obeying God.

Happy He Said I Do
Today while roaming the net, I ran across an article written by TJ Holmes, former CNN news anchor.  The article, titled, Why Did I Get Married? Here’s Why is an ode to his upcoming four year anniversary.  TJ is happy he said I do.  Here’s what he says about his decision to marry:

I was putting together a business email.  I asked my wife to review it, and she thought the tone of the email was too aggressive, confrontational and negative.  She was right. Her input stopped me from making the mistake of hitting send.  That innocuous example is emblematic of our entire relationship.  In all I do, I have a partner looking out for me, advising me, keeping me on track and stopping me from making a mistake, no matter how great or small.

Also, I’m still the same guy at my core, but look at what has changed in my life since I got married: My family and I are closer, my individual net worth has gone up every year since we met, I’ve learned a second language, I’m healthier, I use the n-word less, I listen to Sunday church service more, I’m a better friend, I’m more forgiving than I used to be, I’m more involved in charitable work.  In every way, I’m better off because I’m married.  So, for me, a successful marriage has revolved around this principle: I like who I am with her.  

Crazy Talk
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, single men, especially Christian single men need to be looking for a wife with the same intensity used to find a job or land the next business deal.  All this crazy talk about I need to get a better job, finish my graduate degree, start my graduate degree, save more money, buy a house, get a better car, travel the world, climb Mount Everest, etc.  is just that; crazy talk! You can do all of those things and so much more with a wife.  A wife is not a hindrance, she’s your help.  Calvin, if you’re reading this and know you are because I sent it to you, I hope TJ Holmes inspires you to marry Julia sooner than later.  You’re “together” enough to walk down the aisle.  Here’s what TJ said in closing:

I, like many other men, thought that I wanted to reach a certain level of success before marriage.  You know, make the right amount of money, get the right job, the right car, the right crib, etc., and perhaps “sow the royal oats.”  Now, I firmly believe the success we seek can come a lot quicker with a partner helping along the way.  

together

Two are better than oneEcclesiastes 4:9

Something to think about…

P.S. That’s TJ Holmes and his wife Marie on their wedding day March 1, 2010. 

What say you? Does a man need to have it all together before he says I do? Is this a valid reason to delay marriage especially when you’ve met the woman you want to marry? Do women suffer when men delay marriage?

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

AwesomelyOZ March 3, 2014

I think waiting for all those achievements is a bit far-fetched. There are times when waiting is worthwhile, such as if you’re saving up for your wedding, but to start a business and accomplish all that nonsense is not the best option. Have a great one Yvonne! -Iva

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Yvonne Chase March 3, 2014

Ivy,

I don’t think its the best option and I agree, its a lot far fetched. The reasons sound good but they’re all excuses to me at the end of the day and more time to play the field.

I understand and I respect wanting to bring something to the table however, when we get into that space of consumerism, we always want more and its never enough. At some point, it has to be enough and you have to be okay with who you are as a person knowing its all subject to change.

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Shaunda March 3, 2014

I’ve always said, two heads are better then one. If both people love each other and are financially stable, they should do it. People always say, they’re not ready but, will have babies and buy homes and they’re not married. I think people think, marriage is the end of their fun when, it can be the beginning of something beautiful.

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Yvonne Chase March 3, 2014

I don’t get that either Shaunda; having babies, buying homes yet you’re unmarried! Unfortunately people do think marriage equals death of fun and a great life. Like you, I believe it can be the beginning of something beautiful.

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Kimberly H. Smith March 23, 2014

Ooh Yvonne, this is a timely and relative post for me! My husband and I just celebrated 11 years of marriage yesterday. He was that guy who wanted to get all his ducks in a row before marriage. I was upset about that initially because we had been together for several years. However I did not want him to propose if he was not ready. When he was ready, his ducks were in a row, he asked my father for his blessing, and it all worked out. I am grateful he did wait because I think if we had gotten married when I wanted to, there would have been a lot of angst. He was in a job he hated and a town that I wasn’t crazy about. I often think about the struggle of him bringing that stress home every day if we had gotten married then. The first year of marriage is hard enough. I will say this though…I knew we would eventually get married. His intentions were clear. If a man does wait to get himself together, he should let his mate know that so they can work toward it together. Thank you for always linking up to Traffic Jam Weekend.
Kimberly H. Smith recently posted…Traffic Jam Weekend Linky Party #6My Profile

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Yvonne Chase March 23, 2014

Congratulations Kimberly on 11 years of marriage. May God continue to richly bless your union.

I truly understand a man’s desire to have all of his ducks in a row before taking on the huge commitment of marriage. That’s honorable however, I’ve seen men use that as an excuse to see what else is out there.

None of us will ever have all of our ducks in a row and just when we think we do, the row gets twisted and we have to figure it out. I like your suggestion of communicating that desire so that both can work towards that goal together.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Men Like The Hunt They Don’t Like The GamesMy Profile

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