Nothing works unless you work it. Yvonne Chase
Its Not Working!
Last week my neighbor randomly poured his heart out to me about his marriage that’s not working then yesterday my dear friend and I had an in depth conversation about his marriage that’s not working and then today I read the current issue of Essence magazine where Nia Long says, Marriage is not a priority for me. I’ve never seen a marriage work, which makes me sad to say, and its not just residual stuff from my childhood, this is among my peers. Those reasons justify her not marrying her second sons’ baby daddy.
Behind Closed Doors
After having these conversations with my neighbor and friend then reading Nias’ thoughts, it made me ask myself, “Yvonne, have you ever seen a marriage work?” My clear answer is I don’t know. What works for someone else might not work for me. What someone calls a working marriage might look like utter dysfunction to me. I’ve seen marriages that look like they’re working but only God knows what’s happening behind closed doors.
Ridiculously Immature
As I listened to my neighbor and friend go on and on about their marriages not working, not for one second did I say, “I never want to be married” or “marriage doesn’t work. Marriage works. What doesn’t work are the people getting married. My neighbor and friend are ridiculously immature and that is why their marriages aren’t working. Here’s what my dear friend says about his marriage, “My wife should fulfill me in every area…physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.” My response was, “She’s a human being not God!”
Lame Excuse
It would be foolish of me to base my decision to marry/not marry on their marriages or the ones around me because they are not me and I am not them. Furthermore, saying you’ve never seen a marriage work is a lame excuse. It’s a crutch to hang out in the status quo. In the article, Nia goes on to say, I didn’t have much of a relationship with my father growing up and I’m sure I thought that didn’t affect my romantic relationships but I now know that it did. Marriage should be a priority for that reason alone. Why would you set your kids up to experience the same relational challenges you’ve experienced? Why would you not make it a priority to shield them from that and give them a better example?
Work It!
As I sat outside reading the article and enjoying a beautiful breeze, I met a man who’s been married 28 years. We talked about the article at length and I shared the conversations I had with my neighbor and friend and asked his thoughts. He said, my wife and I have a great marriage because we work at it daily. Sure we’ve had challenges…its a part of this thing called life. Life doesn’t stop happening when you get married. Marriage works when you understand what it is and when you work it.
Free Will
Here’s what I’d like to say in closing, while each of us has free will to live our lives as we choose, where kids are concerned, I believe a child deserves the benefit of coming into this world in a union of two people committed to each other in marriage.
Something to think about…
What say you…Have you seen marriage work? Has the divorce rate deterred you from marriage? Do the marriages around you inspire you to marry or remain single? Do we need another PSA to promote single motherhood? Chime in…
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
people have bought in to the myth that a marriage that works is one where looking on from the outside the 2 parties are perpetually happy, always loveydovey, have zero arguments, and all is perfect. the reality is not so. i don’t know what she’s seen but if she valued marriage she would adjust her mindset.
@Anonymous…people have bought into so many myths about marriage. I’m sure she’s seen a lot growing up in LA. I live here and have seen more than I ever care to see. I’m sure what she’s seen here has a whole lot to do with it. Marriage and LA just don’t go together.
Be that as it may, you are correct. While loveydovey feelings can be a part of marriage, arguments are as well. Just because you have arguments doesn’t mean your marriage isn’t working as a matter of fact, if you aren’t arguing about something, I would say that marriage isn’t working. Sweeping stuff under the rug and acting as if all is well when it isn’t is not a sign of a working marriage. Arguments, depending on what and how they are handled can be a great sign of a working marriage.
I have so much to say…
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Appreciate you.
Good article, Yvonne. I am about to get married and my fiance and I are children of divorce. In fact, our mothers have been divorced twice and my fiance never knew his father. Beyond that, ALL of my mother’s siblings have been married and divorced TWICE! But still, the idea of me not finding a partner to have a wonderful marriage with (note–I did not say perfect) never crossed my mind, and it never crossed my fiance’s either.
If anything, while we haven’t seen too many great examples of great marriages besides on TV, we have seen what does not work (and we talk about what does not work often and how to avoid this), which is actually almost as helpful. So, I agree that not seeing good examples of good marriages is a lame excuse for saying you don’t want to get married or it’s not a priority (and I am sorry, but for Nia Long and most women over 30, I can’t believe this is the truth).
Now, on to Nia Long and her two children. I am TIRED of women (black women in particular) acting like marriage doesn’t matter when they have kids. A strong, caring, wonderful mother is still not a replacement for a married mom and a dad, and the high teen pregnancy rate, drop-out rate, drug use rate, and prison rate among black young adults born out of wedlock testifies to this. Now, Nia Long’s kid will probably be just fine but still, a father in the home is not overrated and women who have children out of wedlock intentionally or without really thinking about the impact this has on a child due their kids a disservice. PLUS–and yes, this may sound old-fashioned–being an unmarried single mother just isn’t cool and looks bad.
@CK…you and me both and that is why I asked, do we need another PSA? That’s what the article was…a PSA to promote single motherhood. You’re right…a strong, caring, wonderful mother is still not a replacemetn for a married momand dad. Being an unmarried single mother with two baby daddys is not cool and it does look bad.
All the best to you as you step into marriage. It takes courage to do something you WANT to do when all odds say you shouldn’t.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Appreciate you.
Thank you Yvonne for having the courage to state the truth. I am so tired of these selfish immature old children in adult bodies running around making bad decisions because something may have happened in their childhood that they choose not to resolve. Many marriages work in this country and because you didn’t see any of them doesn’t give you the right to create a broken child that society will have to help repair later. If you didn’t get what you needed as a child, then as an adult you must try and fix yourself before you become a parent. As a parent it is your mandate to try and make life better for your children not worse. If you know that you have trust issues then you are supposed to fix those issues and hand them back to whomever gave them to you. You are not supposed to pass on your issues to your children, by working on your problems prior to procreating. This society has gone to heck because no one has boundaries anymore. Anyone can do anything and will get upset if you think about asking them about their mindless behavior. People spend more time planning the wedding day than they do their relationships and that is the problem. No plan is a plan to fail. We must reprioritize ourselves and stop allowing our children to fall into the same traps that we have. We must have honest conversations with our children and raise their expectations for not only themselves but also for their mates, so that the madness and drama will stop. If we begin to cultivate a culture of maturity and great choices, only then will we progress in our lives and produce lasting, loving relationships.
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