Broken Children
The other day while scrolling Instagram, my eyes landed on the following image and caption below about broken children. It really spoke to me because day in and day out, I receive emails from random readers about the brokenness in their marriages. At the root of much of their pain is unaddressed stuff that was passed on to them that they never took the time to unpack before saying, I do. Take a read and we’ll talk after:

broken

Passing it on and on and on. Pattern after pattern…dynamic after dynamic…fear after fear…message after message. It just keeps going from generation to generation if we don’t stop, pull back, and take a look at ourselves. Take a look at our hurt…our pain…our tragedies.

We have to learn ourselves. We have to understand the family system we were a part of. We have to understand the roles we had within that system, and how those roles either empower or keep us stuck now. We have to understand the messages (verbal or non) that were given to us growing up; about culture, religion, gender, race, tradition, education, sex, family, love, communication….etc.

How did we know we were loved?
Did we really?
How was it demonstrated?
Were we listened to?
Was our voice honored?
What narratives get repeated over and over again?
Which ones keep us playing small?

Too often we just go along with the course. We keep aging without getting wiser…without gaining and growing along the way. Do not just live in your body as a hurt soul. Do not just mimic an adult life and go through the steps.

We are not broken. We just have stories. Stories that are waiting to be listened to and understood. Stories that will, with time, catapult us further. Pain is our information. Our wounds and fears are our space for transformation. So don’t just be a broken child living in an adult body. Learn your pieces and then transform. Create the change. Change the patterns. Be the person the next generation thanks for your commitment to self and relational growth. @mindfulmft

Repeated And Passed Down
I am extremely passionate about the work single people need to do in our individual lives before we enter into romantic love and then marriage if that’s the next step. As I watch those close to me and observe others from afar, I see pattern after pattern, dynamic after dynamic, behavior after behavior, circumstance after circumstance and so on being repeated and passed down from generation to generation.

Step Away From The Dating Scene
This happens because we never took the time to really look at and examine what we come from. You can’t fix what you don’t face or change what you don’t confront. Going on dates while single is great and par for the course, however, I implore you to step away from the dating scene for a while to get with yourself and look closely at what you come from and what’s been passed on to you. 

Chain Reaction
My pastor spoke a powerful message recently titled The Power of Influence. It was all about how each of us is influenced either positively or negatively by our environment; what we come from, the people closest to us, how we grew up, our culture, etc. It was also about how we are influencing others because of how we are being influenced. It’s a chain reaction. Some chains need to be broken if we want to influence others differently.

Next Generation
With God’s help, I am intentionally looking at my hurt, my pain, and my tragedies. I’m committed to learning my pieces and transforming. I hope I am the person the next generation thanks for my serious commitment to self and relational growth. Thankfully, I’m not the only one. It’s refreshing to me when I hear Caribbean colleagues tell me they’re going to counseling and or seeking therapy.

A Dose Of Therapy
You see, in my culture, it’s passed down from generation to generation that you don’t get counseling or go to therapy. If you do, you are crazy or mentally ill or something is wrong with you. It’s shamed in such a nasty way that simply does not make sense because life happens to all of us. What’s funny and sad at the same time about this to me is, every Caribbean person I know could benefit from a dose of therapy and or counseling. 

Going Through The Steps
A colleague told me recently of her and her husband’s journey to counseling. For a long time, she wouldn’t seek help because of what her culture/family would say and think, however, now that they are expecting twins and have had a rough road in their marriage, they see the importance of doing whatever it takes to create a different outcome for their children. They are no longer interested in mimicking an adult life and going through the steps and most importantly, they want their children to know it’s okay to seek help. 

broken
Something to think about…

What say you? How important is it to examine what we come from whether we marry or not? Is seeking help; counseling and or therapy taboo in your culture? 

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1. Leave a comment below

2. Share this post if you like it

{ 3 comments }

Who Pays On A Date Is NOT A Complicated Question

by Yvonne Chase

It’s Not Complicated Sunday, while reading The Wall Street Journal, I ran across an article titled Who Pays On A Date? That’s Still A Complicated Question. The article opened with this scenario: Elliott Katz believes a man should treat on a date. But when he pulled out his wallet at the ticket counter of a […]

Read the full article →

Marriage Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

by Yvonne Chase

Not In A Million Years Last November, I wrote a post titled, Sexless Marriages Are Not Pleasing To God. I never shared why I wrote that post. Every post in this space is inspired by God and written out of my experience. I once dated a guy who was in a sexless marriage. Not in a […]

Read the full article →

Discipline And Dating With Kids Go Hand In Hand

by Yvonne Chase

Kids From A Previous Relationship “Do you have the right to discipline the kid/s of your significant other? Does your significant other have the right to discipline your kid/s?” If you’re dating in the 21st century, chances are you have a kid/s from a previous relationship or your significant other does. We Don’t Have The Same Values […]

Read the full article →

No One Really Wants To Be Single For A Lifetime

by Yvonne Chase

Single For A Lifetime I don’t know anyone who wants to be single for a lifetime. Do you? What I mean is, I don’t know anyone who wants to go through life without romantic love. I’ve met a whole lot of people from all walks of life and to date, I have never met a […]

Read the full article →

I Was Called To Marry HIM

by Yvonne Chase

Called To Marriage How did you know God called you to be married? How does one know if they are called to marriage, aside from a desire to have children and raise a family? Those questions came to mind after reading a comment on my previous post, God Has A Chosen Person For You To Marry. […]

Read the full article →

God Has A Chosen Person For You To Marry

by Yvonne Chase

Chosen Person Do you believe God has a chosen person for you? This post came to mind after reading a comment on my latest post, Singleness Is Hard, Lonely, And Unwanted that said: “I think you’ve really hit on something here, Yvonne. I may be a single woman but I have been blessed with wonderful […]

Read the full article →

Singleness Is Hard, Often Lonely, And Unwanted

by Yvonne Chase

Lonely And Unwanted Do you come alongside the single people in your life? That was the question posed in an article I read that charged the church and married couples to do just that; come alongside singles. Here’s a bit of what the article said: Singleness is hard, often lonely and unwanted. When you’re married, […]

Read the full article →

Creating In The Kitchen, Six Months Down, And The Way To His Heart

by Yvonne Chase

Love For Food Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye. Can you believe it? I’m not rushing it at all but 2018 is almost over. We’re six months down and we’ve got six more to go. So what have you been up to over the past six months? For me, I’ve been […]

Read the full article →

I’m Scared To Marry The Wrong Person And Live In Hell

by Yvonne Chase

Marry The Wrong Person “Be sincere, are you scared of getting married?” I saw that question asked on Twitter the other day.  The most popular answer was, “I’m scared to marry the wrong person.” One person said, “Afraid of Marriage no! I’m afraid of marrying the wrong person…Afraid of living in hell and call it […]

Read the full article →