A couple of weeks ago I met up with my classmate who was also my scene partner. We became so close that he calls me his black mom and I call him my white son. So as moms do, I wanted to find out about his love life. I met the woman who is now his ex-girlfriend while we were in class and now he has a new girlfriend that he met at work. Our conversation went a little something like this:
Him: This is the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Me: What makes it the best?
Him: She’s so much nicer than my ex. She was a psycho.
Me: Psycho? Oh! Tell me more.
Him: I don’t know, when we’re together it just feels right not like the last relationship. It’s just better!
On and on he went telling me about his new girlfriend while comparing everything about her and them to his last relationship with the psycho that made him very unhappy. I said to him, do you realize you are making every choice about this new relationship through the lens of your last relationship? Who is the new woman in your life without comparing her to your ex? Do you even know who she really is?
Sure you like her and you think this is the best relationship you’ve ever had and I don’t know it very well might be, however, everything you tell me about her and you together is followed up by something along the lines of “not like my last relationship” or “not like my ex.” You have a hard finger pointed at your ex but what about the fingers pointing back at you? Have you looked at yourself and who you were with the psycho in that relationship?
Is this new woman the best relationship you had because you’re stuck on comparing her to your ex?
Would you see her in the same light if you never dated your ex?
If you were single for a period of time before getting with her?
If you had no one to compare her to?
Would you even like her enough to date her? (P.S. He’s admitted to me that he doesn’t like being single therefore he breaks up with one and gets with a new one soon after.)
I see what you’re doing here…I never thought about it that way. Of course, he didn’t. Neither do most people. Relationships are our teachers. They teach us about ourselves and about who we want to be with. I don’t know anyone who’s ended a relationship, met someone new and didn’t compare the new to the old. It kinda looks like this:
- I’m adventurous, my ex wasn’t but this new girl is up for all kinds of adventures.✔️
- My ex wasn’t supportive of my creative endeavors, but this new woman is beyond supportive. She pushes me to do everything I want to do and really makes me believe I can.✔️
- We argued a lot in my last relationship, but my new woman is super chill. We don’t argue at all. She’s so sweet.✔️
But what’s on the other side of this adventurous, supportive and super chill woman? That’s what you need to find out!
Dating is about learning what we want and don’t want in a future relationship. It teaches us about ourselves, about love and the kind of romantic relationship we want to create. As the title of this post says; your new relationship will be different and unique because the person you’re dating is different, not better and hopefully you’re different too.
Every person we date is different and unique in their own way. It’s a disservice to you and them to compare them to anyone. Because this person is unique, you get to creates a unique relationship that will come with both good and bad moments. It’s all par for the course.
Don’t let the good moments lead you to believe you’re with a better person because the reality is once the newness wears off, you might realize you’re in a relationship with yet another psycho or whatever colorful word you use to describe your ex! Remember; your new person is different and unique which might mean a better relationship…or not.
Something to think about…
What say you? Does any of this make sense? Is it ever a good idea to compare one person to the other? Can it be problematic when moving on to a new relationship?
Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:
1. Leave a comment below
2. Share this post if you like it
P.S. I don’t know about you, however, I often cringe when I hear us describing each other from a place of better than. None of us is better than the other. While some of our circumstances may be better, I am not better than you nor are you better than me. We’re all a mess without God’s mercy, love and grace!
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