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Bombing You With Love Is How They Trap You
February 14, 2022 Narcissistic Abuse

Today is Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. It is a day when lovers pour out their hearts in love notes, love letters, and love songs. It is also a day when new lovers hope to cement a relationship by rolling out the red carpet to let you know they are all in. But guess what else is happening today? Lots of love bombing! Delivery services are dropping off balloons, boxes of chocolate, and bouquets of flowers to someone who thinks they are genuinely loved when nothing could be further from the truth.

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As the title says, bombing you with love is how they trap you. When I began writing about narcissists through the lens of my experience with narcissistic abuse in my family of origin, women came out of the closet with stories of their abusive marriages. Hear me clearly; the last person you want to marry is a narcissist, but you might if you fall into their trap. 

So, what is love bombing? Simply put, love bombing is emotional manipulation. To put it even simpler, it is lying and pretending. When somebody is love bombing you, they say everything you want to hear and become everything you need and want them to be. They listen attentively to everything you say in a very caring way with heaps of empathy. Compliments overflow, and there is no shortage of over-the-top gifts for special occasions like birthdays or just because it’s Tuesday. One day you might come home from work to an extravagant arrangement of flowers obstructing your doorway as I did, or you might walk into a suite filled with clothes like Julia Fox did while dating Kanye West. I am not saying he is a narcissist; however, his over-the-top extravagant gift is an example of what could happen during the love-bombing stage of a relationship.  

Beyond that, introductions to friends and family come quickly to make you feel special and sweep you off your feet. Beware if he is divorced. Narcissists move on quickly to a new relationship and even a new marriage because they need to make it look like you were the problem. It can’t be them because they found someone new.

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Of course, you don’t know that because you think he is madly in love with you when the only person he is in love with is himself. Narcissists do not marry for love. Instead, they marry to keep up an image and get their needs met; sex, home-cooked meals, a well-kept household, someone to have his children, which works well for his image, financial support, etc. He cares nothing about you. All you are to him is narcissistic supply and another person to abuse.

If they meet you at a vulnerable time in your life, for example, when a parent dies, they can really sink their hooks in you by being there to comfort and care for you. Who doesn’t want comfort and care, and who would think it’s calculated? They know what to do and when to do it. It’s all about showing the world what a great guy he is to make you look crazy once you break up with him. So how do you know you are dating a narcissist? One way to know is the speed of the relationship. If it feels rushed, intense, or hot, and heavy, you are probably in dangerous territory. Wikipedia explains it this way:

Psychologist Dale Archer identifies the phases of love bombing with the acronym IDD:” Intense Idealization, Devaluation, Discard (Repeat)” and the process of identifying this behavior pattern as SLL: “Stop, Look, and Listen”; after which breaking off contact with the abuser can become possible by also seeking support from family and friends.

Dale says love bombing is being intensely showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future with the predator so that the victim feels or believes this is a sign of “love at first sight.” Since such signs of affection and affirmation may meet felt needs and not look harmful at the surface, the excitement of such a new relationship often does not appear as cause for alarm.

I’m sharing this with you on Valentine’s Day because, unfortunately, narcissists take advantage of today. Someone said, “Yes” today to a narcissist. Yikes! In closing, Dale Archer says, The key to understanding how love bombing differs from romantic courtship is to look at what happens next after two people are officially a couple. If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it’s probably not love bombing. That much attention might get annoying after a while, but it’s not unhealthy in and of itself.

Something to think about…

What say you? Have you ever heard of love bombing? Were you or someone you know the victim of love bombing? How would you protect yourself from it? 

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do:

1. Leave a comment below

2. Share this post if you like it

P.S. Kanye has since broken up with Julia and today he sent his ex-wife Kim Kardashian a truck full of red roses. 

"20" Comments
  1. I have never heard of love bombing, but that was a fascinating read, Yvonne. I may have been the victim of love bombing in the past though now that I know what it is. When someone moves too quickly into the love zone, that is my first clue that I need to step back and put on the brakes! Thanks for sharing this valuable insight!

    Shelbee

  2. Hi Yvonne, I heard about this term, love bombing when I started learning about narcissists. This has not happened to me, but I have seen it in action with others. Unfortunately, the gifts are not given without strings attached. The person wants you to be pleased and now do things for them. It’s like all the gifts have built up a credit that they now feel they can draw from at any time and will make you feel guilty if you protest in any way. And then comes the part where they are unhappy with you and make it clearly known. Run, unless you want to live in constant drama where you are expected to act only one way, which is never like yourself. Thanks for educating us about this. We don’t want to get caught in this cycle.
    Theresa Boedeker recently posted…Why We Feel Guilty for Taking Care of OurselvesMy Profile

  3. I’ve never heard of love bombing before, but you can be sure I’ll be passing this information along to my students!
    Anita Ojeda recently posted…These New RomCom Releases Will Keep You in Stitches and Make You ThinkMy Profile

  4. I have been love bombed before. I came home from a trip to discover my ex had been in my house and showered it with flowers and gifts. It was majorly creepy and did not feel like love at all. Love used as manipulation is such a dangerous weapon (and, well, of course isn’t really love). We’re all naturally drawn to being loved, but you’ve taught me that narcisism is a whole different kind of ballgame. Thanks, Yvonne. I hope you are feeling loved this week in the genuine way.

    • @Lisa,

      I had the same experience. Came home on my birthday to my place showered with the most exquisite flowers. It would have been creepy if he didn’t have the key. Once I ended the relationship, I realized he is a stone-cold narcissist and thanked God for showing me. You are 100% correct when you say love used as manipulation is a dangerous weapon and is not real love.
      Yvonne Chase recently posted…Bombing You With Love Is How They Trap YouMy Profile

  5. I’m sad to hear that you have experienced so much lying and pretending. And I hope you meet someone who truly loves and values you, Yvonne, and I pray you are able to recognize them for who they truly are and receive their love for you.

  6. Yvonne, I haven’t heard of the name love bombing before, but I understood the concept. It’s an awful thing for the victim because it plays on their needs and wants for acceptance and affirmation. Thanks for naming it and describing it. I’m keeping this in mind for friends.

  7. I was aware of this practice but had not heard it called this term.I can see how a young woman might feel so showered with love and attention. But ads Lisa said, it comes across as a little creepy. Thanks for raising awareness of this practice.
    Barbara Harper recently posted…Does He Still Love Me?My Profile

  8. I had not heard of this term. I always learn so much from you.
    Lauren Renee Sparks recently posted…Praying God’s Word Wednesday #36My Profile

  9. Hi Yvonne, it didn’t look like my first try at commenting went through. If it did, feel free to delete this one. 🙂

    I haven’t heard the name “love bombing” before, but I’m familiar with the concept. It’s an awful thing for the victim because it plays on their needs and wants for acceptance and affirmation. Thanks for naming it and describing it. I’m keeping this in mind for friends.

  10. I had not ever heard this term before and appreciate what you have shared. Our hearts can so deceive us into thinking we are loved when we are not. May we be aware of these tactics so that we stay in healthy relationships.
    Joanne Viola recently posted…A Snow That Brings Peace {{Let’s Have Coffee}}My Profile

    • @Joanne,

      Love bombing is so deceptive that we can actually think we are being loved. That is why it is so dangerous. We need lots of discernment to avoid the trap. I don’t know how else to say it except people who love bomb and carry out narcissistic abuse belong in prison.
      Yvonne Chase recently posted…My Roasted Chicken Is BetterMy Profile

  11. Wow, I, too, had never heard of this practice. We all need to seek God in our relationships because only He knows the heart. It’s really hard for us to see on our own.
    Jerralea Winn Miller recently posted…Elegance: The Art of Learning Less is MoreMy Profile

  12. Yvonne, I have unfortunately been the recipient or shall I say, “victim” of love bombing by a narcissist. Took me awhile to catch on, but as your last paragraph’s advice from Dale Archer states, actions spoke louder than love bombs and I moved on.

  13. Amen, girl. This is good stuff … and much needed in Christian communities where unhealthy situations are not often clearly addressed or explained away with inaccurate interpretations of Scripture.
    Linda Stoll recently posted…Porch #35 * Less is MoreMy Profile

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