The other day while scrolling Instagram, my eyes landed on the following image and caption below about broken children. It really spoke to me because day in and day out, I receive emails from random readers about the brokenness in their marriages. At the root of much of their pain is unaddressed stuff that was passed on to them that they never took the time to unpack before saying, I do. Take a read and we’ll talk after:
Passing it on and on and on. Pattern after pattern…dynamic after dynamic…fear after fear…message after message. It just keeps going from generation to generation if we don’t stop, pull back, and take a look at ourselves. Take a look at our hurt…our pain…our tragedies.
We have to learn ourselves. We have to understand the family system we were a part of. We have to understand the roles we had within that system, and how those roles either empower or keep us stuck now. We have to understand the messages (verbal or non) that were given to us growing up; about culture, religion, gender, race, tradition, education, sex, family, love, communication….etc.
How did we know we were loved?
Did we really?
How was it demonstrated?
Were we listened to?
Was our voice honored?
What narratives get repeated over and over again?
Which ones keep us playing small?
Too often we just go along with the course. We keep aging without getting wiser…without gaining and growing along the way. Do not just live in your body as a hurt soul. Do not just mimic an adult life and go through the steps.
We are not broken. We just have stories. Stories that are waiting to be listened to and understood. Stories that will, with time, catapult us further. Pain is our information. Our wounds and fears are our space for transformation. So don’t just be a broken child living in an adult body. Learn your pieces and then transform. Create the change. Change the patterns. Be the person the next generation thanks for your commitment to self and relational growth. @mindfulmft
Repeated And Passed Down
I am extremely passionate about the work single people need to do in our individual lives before we enter into romantic love and then marriage if that’s the next step. As I watch those close to me and observe others from afar, I see pattern after pattern, dynamic after dynamic, behavior after behavior, circumstance after circumstance and so on being repeated and passed down from generation to generation.
Step Away From The Dating Scene
This happens because we never took the time to really look at and examine what we come from. You can’t fix what you don’t face or change what you don’t confront. Going on dates while single is great and par for the course, however, I implore you to step away from the dating scene for a while to get with yourself and look closely at what you come from and what’s been passed on to you.
My pastor spoke a powerful message recently titled The Power of Influence. It was all about how each of us is influenced either positively or negatively by our environment; what we come from, the people closest to us, how we grew up, our culture, etc. It was also about how we are influencing others because of how we are being influenced. It’s a chain reaction. Some chains need to be broken if we want to influence others differently.
With God’s help, I am intentionally looking at my hurt, my pain, and my tragedies. I’m committed to learning my pieces and transforming. I hope I am the person the next generation thanks for my serious commitment to self and relational growth. Thankfully, I’m not the only one. It’s refreshing to me when I hear Caribbean colleagues tell me they’re going to counseling and or seeking therapy.
A Dose Of Therapy
You see, in my culture, it’s passed down from generation to generation that you don’t get counseling or go to therapy. If you do, you are crazy or mentally ill or something is wrong with you. It’s shamed in such a nasty way that simply does not make sense because life happens to all of us. What’s funny and sad at the same time about this to me is, every Caribbean person I know could benefit from a dose of therapy and or counseling.
Going Through The Steps
A colleague told me recently of her and her husband’s journey to counseling. For a long time, she wouldn’t seek help because of what her culture/family would say and think, however, now that they are expecting twins and have had a rough road in their marriage, they see the importance of doing whatever it takes to create a different outcome for their children. They are no longer interested in mimicking an adult life and going through the steps and most importantly, they want their children to know it’s okay to seek help.
What say you? How important is it to examine what we come from whether we marry or not? Is seeking help; counseling and or therapy taboo in your culture?
Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:
1. Leave a comment below
2. Share this post if you like it