Carefully Choose Your Life Mate

by Yvonne Chase on April 4, 2022

Living with narcissists and experiencing narcissistic abuse is the vilest experience of my whole life. In my last post, I talked about how narcissists ruin their lives, ruin holidays and even ruin relationships all in the name of attention-seeking. Well, here is something else a narcissist ruins, the most important moment of your life at the Oscar awards. By now, I am sure you have seen the slap heard all around the world. If you watched the Oscars, you know Chris Rock made a lame joke about Jada Pinkett Smith.

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Her husband Will Smith who was nominated to receive the Best Actor award for his portrayal of King Richard thought it was funny and laughed, however, Jada rolled her eyes and gave him the side-eye. It was that look of narcissistic rage that propelled him out of his seat to slap Chris. If you rewind the tape and watch her actions from beginning to end, she did not console him when he returned to his seat or show any remorse. Instead, she laughed. What is funny about your husband making a fool of himself in front of the entire world? What is funny about ruining the biggest night of his career? A night he waited for his entire life!

While I wish I never experienced narcissistic abuse, I thank God every day that I did not marry a narcissist. It is hard to walk away from a marriage especially when you have children. Narcissists know this and will use this as a hold over you and that is why this quote by H. Jackson Brown is so important to remember; “Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”

You must choose the person you marry carefully because they can hurt you the most. A spouse can destroy you because they know everything about you; your pain, problems, and propensities—your worries and weaknesses—your vulnerabilities, and values. Your spouse can use everything they know about you to hurt you in ways you would never imagine. A reader of my last post says it this way, “Unless you have had the up-close experience of living with a narcissist, you have no idea what they can do.”

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In his self-titled book WILL, the first line of Chapter One says, “I have always thought of myself as a coward. Most of my memories of my childhood involve me being afraid in some way. Afraid of other kids, afraid of being hurt or embarrassed, afraid of being seen as weak.” In a sit-down interview with Oprah, Will said, “I’ve carried most of my life the sense of failing every woman I interact with.” Plus, he talked about the deep pain he carried from not protecting his mother from his abusive father:

“When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed. I saw her spit blood. That moment, in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am. Within everything I have done since then; the awards and accolades, the spotlight and attention, the characters and the laughs, there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in that moment. For failing to stand up to my father.”

Will Smith – WILL

Will’s unquenching desire to protect and save people are evident throughout his book therefore if I knew Will and wanted to destroy him, I could by using that vulnerability against him. Imagine what the person closest to him knows about him and what she can do with that information. Part of being a helpmeet to your husband means stopping him from any action that could put you and your family in danger. It is about talking some sense into him. Instead of giving him the glaring side-eye, she could have leaned over to hold his hand and say something like, I am fine sweetheart. This is your night. We are not going to let anyone ruin it. But she did not. Her response was cold and callous.

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Also, there was no evidence in her body language that she felt his pain while he tearfully delivered his acceptance speech. He spoke with pride about protecting his cast members; Aunjanue Ellis who played his wife Oracene, and the actors who played Venus and Serena. Beyond that, her show Red Table Talk is where Will has been publicly embarrassed, manipulated, invalidated, gaslit, and humiliated. It was at the Red Table that the word “Entanglement” went viral. Google any combination of Jada—Will—and entanglement for the back story. If Will Smith were in a healthy marriage to a woman who loves him, #theslap would not be a hashtag.

In closing, this post is not about condoning violence. Slapping Chris was wrong—full stop. I could have written this post from a variety of angles, but I chose the angle that resonates with my lived experience. Will and I are both empaths. We are wired with the vulnerability to protect and save the people we love. It is that vulnerability that was used against me when I tried to protect and save my elderly father.

This post is about the ways narcissists set you up, triangulate you and use your vulnerabilities to provoke you. Marriage to a narcissist means you are the puppet and they are the puppet master pulling your strings. They control you. It is also about how the person closest to you, your spouse can ruin you. Will is the biggest movie star in the world which means he is more successful than his wife. If you think your spouse cannot be jealous and envious of you, think again. Sleeping with the enemy is real when you are married to a narcissist.

Something to think about…

What say you? Did you see the slap heard all around the world? What are your thoughts?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

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Jan April 5, 2022

You are so right about being so very careful who you marry. The wrong person, the wrong match, can affect so many lives including your children’s

Yvonne Chase April 8, 2022

@Jan.

I have witnessed firsthand the devastation of a mismatched marriage. I have seen the trajectory of a person’s life change for worse because of their spouse. Choosing a mate is the most important decision we will ever make because it affects so many areas of life including innocent children.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Carefully Choose Your Life MateMy Profile

Ashley Rowland | HISsparrowBlog April 6, 2022

I couldn’t speak to the slap; It’s a bit weird on several levels. I can speak to experience with a narcissist, though. It’s not fun. I didn’t marry one, but I have to deal with one on a regular basis. The worst part is seeing the mean things she does to those I love. Forgiveness can be harder when you’re forgiving abuse to someone you love. You’re right…it’s so important to choose carefully. And one thing I’ve learned from my own experience is that you can’t stay with someone because they’re willing to stay with you, and you’re afraid no one else will. A controlling person will use your loyalty against you.
Ashley Rowland | HISsparrowBlog recently posted…6 Signs He’s A Catch and Might Be the OneMy Profile

Yvonne Chase April 8, 2022

@Ashley,

You’re right. A controlling person will use your loyalty and everything else against you. I couldn’t imagine a situation where I would have to deal with a narcissist on a regular basis.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Carefully Choose Your Life MateMy Profile

Michele Morin April 7, 2022

I have been praying for my kids’ future mates since before they were born.

Yvonne Chase April 8, 2022

@Michele,

Hopefully, none of your children married/or will marry a narcissist. They will need your continual prayers.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Carefully Choose Your Life MateMy Profile

Donna B Reidland April 9, 2022

The whole situation is so sad. It’s interesting to know some of the backstory. But it all reveals their huge need for a Savior, doesn’t it? We are all lost without Him.
Donna B Reidland recently posted…“What If Your Parachute Fails?” April 9My Profile

Yvonne Chase April 10, 2022

@Donna,

Yes! I know I would be lost without Jesus. My prayer for Will is that he meets his Lord and Savior and then enters into a life-changing relationship with him. It’s the only way.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Carefully Choose Your Life MateMy Profile

Lois Flowers April 9, 2022

Yvonne, once again, you’ve addressed a topic from a perspective that I haven’t seen anywhere else. I don’t know much about Will and Jada’s marriage, but what you’ve written about his background sheds some light on why he stays with her. It’s so sad, and yet another reason to pray earnestly for our children’s future spouses.
Lois Flowers recently posted…The Best $20 I Ever SpentMy Profile

Yvonne Chase April 10, 2022

@Lois,

His memoir tells it all. It was an excellent read that gives great insight into his whole life. I wonder how many parents pray for their children’s future spouses?
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Carefully Choose Your Life MateMy Profile

Tammy Kennington April 10, 2022

Yvonne,
My stepfather was a narcissist and I often recognize the traits in others. Your insight into Will Smith’s life makes me grieve for him. Thank you for sharing.

Blessings,
Tammy

Yvonne Chase April 13, 2022

@Tammy,

Once you live with these people, it becomes easy to pick up the traits in others. That is one benefit that came out of my lived experience. I can spot them a mile away.

As I grieve for Will, I also pray for him. The best thing he can do for himself is to walk away like I did. Give her half and leave with the clothes on his back.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Bombing You With Love Is How They Trap YouMy Profile

Lisa Blair April 11, 2022

Picking a spouse is the second most important decision (after following Christ) because we become one with them.
Lisa Blair recently posted…Cultivating Hope in Our Hearts with 15 PsalmsMy Profile

Susan Shipe April 14, 2022

They hold a lot of things over your head. I have a dear friend in a relationship with a narcissist. It is so hard to walk away from him.
Susan Shipe recently posted…Will I Stay Or Will I Go?My Profile

Yvonne Chase April 17, 2022

@Susan,

I thank God every single day that I was never married to a narcissist. It was bad enough dealing with these vipers in my family of origin. I know how difficult it must be to leave a marriage, especially with children. I hope your dear friend finds the strength to leave.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Attention Is The Name Of The Game For NarcissistsMy Profile

Anita Ojeda April 14, 2022

I don’t watch a lot of movies or television, but I did hear about the slap. Thank you for your perspective. I agree that violence isn’t the answer.

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