Church, Sex, Virgins And Marriage

by Yvonne Chase on April 11, 2016

Remain A Virgin Until Marriage
One day during my daily web crawl, I ran across an article on Cosmopolitan magazine written by a Christian woman titled, I Stayed A Virgin Until Marriage, I Couldn’t Have Sex With My Husband.  How she grew up and what she was taught about sex before marriage led to her decision to remain a virgin until marriage.  She even signed a pledge at the young age of fifteen to wait to have sex until marriage.  She says, “Yes, there was a physical piece of paper that I (along with several of my peers) signed at church youth group after a discussion about premarital abstinence.”  In addition to no sex before marriage, she decided not to kiss her husband until after they said, “I do.”  

Hot Butt Naked Sex
Lauren, the writer, thought the reward for waiting until marriage would be a honeymoon night filled with hot butt naked sex but that was not her reality. Here’s what she says; “Decades of “saving myself” had subconsciously convinced me that sex was actually bad, something to be avoided and not thought about. And now that it was “good,” my body didn’t know what to do because it had spent so many years not letting itself get too excited around members of the opposite sex.”

Talk Openly About Sex
A couple of my Christian Tweeps and I discussed this and the bottom line was they would be pissed if this happened on their wedding night. We also talked about the church’s role and responsibility in discussing sex amongst singles. I’ve been going to church all my life and I have yet to hear the church talk openly about sex in a healthy and positive way.  I do remember attending a Bible study on the topics of dating and marriage for singles. When the topic of sex came up, no one would even say the word not even the leader; a married woman.  I boldly said, say the word; sex, it’s a good thing.  Nothing bad will happen to you if you say it.  You won’t go to hell if you say sex! Everyone gave me the stink eye meanwhile, there was not one virgin sitting at the table.  

Sex Is Good
If we as Christians believe God created sex and his purpose for creating sex is good, why can’t we say the word? That right there is a huge problem.  I agree with Lauren when she says,

The “S-word” (sex) is completely taboo in many, many Christian circles. Kids are told to avoid it until they’re married, and that’s very often the end of the conversation.

What if we started speaking as frankly about sex as our secular counterparts do? What if we talked frankly about the mechanics and the pleasure of sex? What if we shared amusing tales of awkward first times? What if we openly discussed the psychological effects that sex has on your brain?

I’m not saying that pastors should start preaching this stuff from the pulpit. There is a time and a place for everything, and I don’t think all of these nitty-gritty details are appropriate there. But they are appropriate to discuss in Christian circles — with mentors, in discipleship groups, or with trusted friends. If Christians truly believe that sex is a gift from God to married couples, it’s time they started talking about this gift in more than hushed tones and cryptic euphemisms.

Don’t Do It Until Marriage
I think the church should speak as frankly about sex as our secular counterparts. I think we should talk frankly about the mechanics and the pleasure of sex. I would love to hear amusing tales of awkward first times and I would definitely love a candid discussion about the psychological effects sex has on the brain.  If I had a church, and there are times when I wish I did, (maybe I’ll marry a pastor who has his own church and has a heart for singles and together we can talk about sex), we would talk about sex and everything else under the sun.  Why not? Beating us over the head with the “Don’t do it until marriage” sermon ain’t working because every Christian single person I know is having sex then waking up and strutting it to church on Sunday.   

Hit It And Quit It
The church ought to take the lead in the conversation about sex, especially in this day and time where sex has been reduced to, Netflix and Chill, smashing and hit it and quit it. Surely that is not what God had in mind.  The church needs to unapologetically let folks know what he had in mind.  If we don’t, who will?

Something to think about…

What say you? Does the church have a responsibility to talk about sex? What has your church taught you about sex? 

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