Do You Need A Man?

by Yvonne Chase on November 9, 2012

“I Don’t Need A Man.” 
That’s what a female news anchor said to Iyanla Vanzant on a recent episode of Fix My Life. She says; I was raised to be strong, independent and self-sufficient and I was told that’s the kind of woman men want.  I don’t need a man to take care of me and buy me things.   I want a man.

What’s Wrong with Needing a Man?
Iyanla said, you can be all those things and still need a man.  What’s wrong with needing a man? Then Iyanla boldly blurted out, “I need a man…I need a man” and continued to say, anything that keeps you self sufficient and self reliant is going to move you away from your desire to be partnered.  Its in-congruent with I want a partner. 

How You Say It
While I get what she’s saying, I disagree.  I believe it all comes down to how you say it and the air you give off when you say it and as you move through life.  While there’s nothing wrong with needing a man, saying you don’t need a man doesn’t have to be interpreted negatively.

Joining Me On My Journey
If you say it with lots of attitude, a screw face, z-snap and a neck roll like the lady in the photo up top, that’s not coming from a positive place at all and its sure to keep men away from you however, if you say it from a place of I’m good with me and I look forward to a man joining me on my journey, I see nothing wrong with that.  Do you?

She Loves Her Life and Herself
About a year ago, an uber successful single black male colleague of mine was interviewed about all of his accomplishments.  When asked about his ideal woman, he specifically said, I want a woman who doesn’t need a man but a woman who wants a man.  She’s somebody who loves her life and herself.  I want a woman who is okay being by herself.

Great Way to Approach Relationships
I LOVE everything about that.  He wants a woman like the news anchor.  As I watched her interview with Iyanla, I saw a woman who loves her life, loves herself and is okay being by herself yet welcomes the presence of a man in her life.  I think it’s a great way to approach relationships don’t you?

Something to think about…

What say you…Is it ever okay to say I don’t need a man? Does how you say it matter? Does that stop the man from showing up? Is there a difference between the type of woman that wants a man and the type of woman that needs a man?  Chime in…

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

JustShauna November 11, 2012

That picture up top is hilarious! Where did you find that? Too funny. I watched the episode and I didn’t get a sense that she was being negative at all when she said she didn’t need a man. She wasn’t giving attitude like that picture. She gave off an air like your male colleague. She wants to be with someone who has their own life and enjoys it. I don’t see anything wrong with that.


Mack Samuels November 19, 2012

As humans, we are social beings that live in an inter-dependent world. No one person is so independent that he or she does not need someone else.

It seems that American women have difficulty accepting that needing someone is healthy and natural.
Although many women like to say how ‘strong’ and ‘independent’ they are, the reality is that community sustains the individual. A community of resources, (like parents, schools, teachers, pastors, mentors, etc.) helped you to get that degree (or whatever important endeavor you may have pursued). And, if you were lucky, helped you avoid pitfalls and traps that could have knocked you off course.

If you are a heterosexual woman and want a relationship or marriage with a heterosexual male then you do; in fact, need a man! If you want a child, you need a seed provided by some man from some male source. But, more importantly, we were not designed to be alone. We humans operate best when we express our love, care, and concern for others and they do so for us in return.

Therefore, a blind-spot for many African American women to come to terms with, is accepting that they need a man in order to fulfill many important desires and instincts that could not be fulfilled in any other way in this life.


Yvonne November 19, 2012

Aside from having a child, what desires and instincts cannot be fulfilled in any other way without a man?

Yes, you need a man to marry if you are heterosexual however, I don’t believe anyone is going to die if they don’t get married. A need is something you can’t live without. Many are living well without marriage.

Like you said, community helps all of us get through life. That community can be created without a man. A wise person knows that life is all about interdependence. While we were not created to be alone there are many ways to not be alone. We can express our love, care and concern for others and vice versa without being in an intimate relationship. To suggest or imply that we cannot is simply untrue.


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