Ellen Might Be Abusive And Kevin Not Know

by Yvonne Chase on August 17, 2020

Ellen DeGeneres and her eponymous talk show came under fire recently for toxic/abusive work conditions. Employees say sexual harassment, racism, control, intimidation, and bullying are prevalent on set. When her friend Kevin Hart heard about the allegations, he stepped up and said:

“It’s crazy to see my friend go thru what she’s going thru publicly. I have known Ellen for years and I can honestly say that she’s one of the dopest people on the planet. She has treated my family and my team with love and respect from day 1. I stand by the ones that I know and that I love. This post is not meant to disregard the feelings of others and their experiences…. It’s simply to show what my experiences have been with my friend. Love you for life Ellen.”

When I read Kevin’s comment, my first thought was, just because she’s been nice to you and your family, doesn’t mean she hasn’t been awful to her staff. My second thought was when did Kevin ever work for Ellen? When was he ever her employee? This post is not about Ellen or Kevin because I’ve never worked on her show or had any encounters with Kevin. This post is about how abusers hide behind their carefully crafted public image.

Ellen

My last post about narcissistic abuse received overwhelming support. Thank you. I’ve been having conversations since then with people who had no idea this sort of abuse exists. Many of you were shocked! Some of you sent emails telling me you are sharing it on Facebook and everywhere you can because this is information people need to know. Again, thank you. I’ve also had private conversations via email and phone with those of you that have had this experience and those of you that and are currently living it. Thank you for sharing. 

Moving forward, I will use this space to share more on the topic and my personal experience with this kind of abuse. It’s my story to tell and I will not be silent. In sharing, it is my hope to help others who might be living this experience and have no clue like I did for so long. Now back to this post…

I lean towards believing Ellen’s employees because while I haven’t worked on her set, I’ve worked on many daytime talk show sets. Every last one of them was toxic and rife with intimidation, control, bullying, racism, and abuse of all kinds. It kinda comes with the territory. If you know, you know. But again, I don’t work on Ellen’s set therefore my experience doesn’t matter. Kevin’s experience doesn’t matter either. Yes, he’s been a guest on her show multiple times, however, he’s never been an employee.

When I brought guests in for my shows, especially celebrity guests, it was a huge part of my job to make sure they had a great time. Top-shelf treatment all the way. I could get fired if a guest, complained about being mistreated. That’s how important guests are to the show because the reality is, there is no show without guests.

Being a guest on Ellen’s show is no different than being a guest in someone’s home. When guests come over, don’t you roll out the red carpet? Don’t you make sure everything looks nice? Aren’t you on your best behavior, especially if it’s a first-time guest or someone important like a business person?

If you have kids, don’t you send them away or give them a whole lesson on how to behave when company comes over? I bet you do because you want to look good in front of your guests, however, in the case of the narcissistic abuser, as soon as the guests leave, the abuse continues. Who they are in public is not who they are in private.

Ellen

Abusers, especially in the case of narcissistic abuse are notorious for putting on a show. They pretend when others are around to discredit the accuser and that’s why guests are equally important in this space. When guests are present, they are in full performance mode. There is no show without guests, only evil and cruelty. Like a faucet, they turn it on and off and that’s why unless you live or work in the space where the abuse is happening you ought to say nothing.

Ellen

Your experience with the abuser and how great they treat you and how nice you know them to be doesn’t matter because they’re not abusing you. Plus, taking the side of the abuser now makes you complicit and an accomplice to narcissistic abuse. You have now become an enabler. This is dangerous because many have died at the hands of a narcissistic abuser. I hope Kevin and the voices of other celebrities don’t drown out the voices of the employees because their voices are the only voices that matter in the investigation. They are the only ones who really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Something to think about…

What say you? 

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa notes August 17, 2020

I appreciate your take on what it’s like behind the scenes of talk shows. I have zero knowledge of all that. You make such a valid point that the way guests are treated can be very different from the way employees are treated. I hope the investigations will uncover the truth of what’s going on at Ellen’s set, whatever that happens to me, and correct it.

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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Lisa,

I worked on daytime talk shows and I’ve been working in TV for a long time. It’s an abusive place to work. Kevin being a guest, and a celebrity and her friend means he’s always going to be treated well.

We have to be very careful how we speak up for those being accused of abuse. Again, just because someone is nice to you and others doesn’t mean they don’t have the capabilities to be abusive.

I used to hang out with a major celebrity in Hollywood. When she was out in public, she was all about God bless you, hope you have a great day, holding doors open for strangers and the whole nine yards.

You would never believe she was Satan’s sister unless you spent lots of time in her home like I did. She was literally two different people in public and in private…a total nightmare in private. I watched Assistants quit on her every week because she was so awful to them. Her public image and private image did not match.

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Trina Taylor August 17, 2020

I have friends who work in television in various capacities. The entertainment industry seems to be filled with narcissists based on what they’ve shared. They’ve talked often about the abuse that happens on set. Not my world.

There’s a huge difference between being a celebrity friend and guest and employee. I thought the same when her celebrity friends spoke up about how nice she is etc. She might be or not. We don’t know.

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Yvonne Chase September 6, 2020

@Trina,

Isolated narratives are always problematic because there’s usually more to the story. I sincerely hope they get to the bottom of it and the employees who made the accusations are heard and believed.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Ellen Might Be Abusive And Kevin Not KnowMy Profile

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Michele Morin August 18, 2020

You make a terrific point, Yvonne, and one we need to bear in mind on any controversy. Not every “spokesperson ” is really qualified to speak.

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Yvonne Chase September 5, 2020

@Michele,

Love this: “Not every spokesperson is qualified to speak.” Kevin needs to sit this one out.
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Jeanne Takenaka August 18, 2020

Yvonne, thank you for sharing your perspective. It makes a lot of sense. We do tend to treat people differently, depending on the situation. Obviously, a healthy person will treat others well, regardless of the situation. But, the opposite is also true. Thanks for the reminder to not just accept what is shared at face value.
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Yvonne Chase September 5, 2020

@Jeanne,

Yes, a healthy person will treat others well. I’m amazed that people are so quick to accept what is shared at face value. Everything is not always as it seems.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Ellen Might Be Abusive And Kevin Not KnowMy Profile

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Lesley August 18, 2020

This is such an important point! Appearances can be very deceiving. There was a TV host in the UK who was very popular and thought of as a “nice guy” and it was only after he died that several women came forward to say they’d been sexually abused by him as teenagers. None of them thought they’d be listened to but as soon as one came forward the others gained courage to speak out too. It’s so sad that none of them thought they’d be believed at the time but I can see why they feared that.

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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Lesley,

Yes indeed, appearances can be very deceiving. Everything is not always as it seems and that’s why we need to keep an open mind and do our due diligence when someone speaks up about being abused. When I tell people about the abuse I experienced at the hands of my family, specifically people who know us, they can’t believe what I’m sharing because of the stellar appearance.

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Joanne Viola August 19, 2020

Yvonne, thank you for sharing as you make such a powerful point – not every person who speaks should speak for everyone. May we not disqualify the voices and experiences of others. Prominence or celebrity does not make one’s thoughts more valid than the lesser known. I appreciate you reminding me to always consider all sources.
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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Joanne,

That’s right; may we not disqualify the voices and experiences of others. And yes to every word of this: “Prominence or celebrity does not make one’s thoughts more valid than the lesser-known.”

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Lauren Renee Sparks August 19, 2020

Such an interesting perspective on this debacle. Thank you.
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charmaine macdonald August 20, 2020

Very interesting and I guess the flies on the walls could tell us all but unfortunately they cannot speak. The comments are just as interesting as the article and its definitely a curious topic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Charmaine,

The flies on the wall know everything! It would be great to hear their take on it.

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Horace Williams Jr August 21, 2020

Fascinating article Yvonne. A lot to think about here. I like your analogy to having guests over. Also, you usually behave much differently at work than you do with your close friends. especially when you are the boss. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Horace,

Exactly. Great point about how our behavior changes depending on the audience. The fact that we are so sold on someone’s public image is disturbing on so many levels. A person who is nice in public can act like a literal demon behind closed doors.

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Cheryl August 22, 2020

Difficult to know who’s telling the truth. As you said, we’re not there, and neither was Kevin, so we really can’t know. I once knew a very ‘charming’ man, the whole family, and everyone he met, loved him, he had a wife and nice children. People trusted him. But he was one of the most abusive people I’ve met (I saw the ‘real’ him because I lived with him). It’s really hard to know what someone’s ‘really’ like, but honestly, sometimes there are clues if we look hard enough. Wishing you the best. 🙂
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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Cheryl,

Do we know the same guy? Sometimes we need a magnifying glass to see the clues.

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Laurie August 22, 2020

Thank you for this good but scary information about abusers, Yvonne.
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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Laurie,

Scary indeed because abusers put on shows. The more people around the bigger the show.

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Bev @ Walking Well With God August 24, 2020

Sadly, I was married to a narcissist and an abuser for many years. It sucks the life out of you. Even more sad is that my daughter is following in her father’s footsteps. It is like seeing two different people and you wonder why you’re on the receiving end of the not-nice person? Bullying is a good word for what you endure. Thanks for shedding light on this subject that’s been swept under the rug.
Blessings,
Bev xx
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Yvonne Chase August 25, 2020

@Bev,

Bullying is exactly what it is. Here’s what I’ve learned, people who carry out this type of abuse don’t like themselves and they definitely don’t like their target for many reasons.

In my case, I saw how he was manipulating, controlling, and guilt-tripping my parents into making them think they owe him something and I called it out.

Narcissists hate it when they’re exposed. He had everyone fooled until I said something and now if he could kill me and get away with it, he would. He’s evil as Satan!

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Christina Dronen September 5, 2020

This is a really great parallel to life with a narcissist. There’s definitely a big show and one face the public sees, which is pretty much the opposite of what happens when it’s just you & the narcissist.

Thanks for explaining it.. I feel like it’s so hard to explain it to those who haven’t recognized narcissists. I think we’ve all experienced them… certainly now 😉 .. but most don’t “get it” – unless they’ve done their research / therapy.
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Yvonne Chase September 5, 2020

@Christina,

Thank you. I watch the big show daily. It’s fascinating to me how they triangulate everyone against you and those people believe the lie like a bunch of numbskulls who can’t think for themselves.

They follow along behind the narcissist and refuse to read the handwriting on the wall because they are narcissists too living a lie in their own lives. It’s lies, lies, and more lies!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Ellen Might Be Abusive And Kevin Not KnowMy Profile

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