Finding A Wife Is Not A Priority For Single Christian Men

by Yvonne Chase on August 17, 2017

Why She’s Single
I’m mad. I watched a video by a notable pastor with a large following that pissed me off. Finding a wife is a man’s responsibility yet he puts the onus on women. Let me tell you what he said to Christian single women at a women’s conference about why she’s single:

“Here’s what the scripture says, “He that finds a wife, finds a good thing. It didn’t say he that finds a girl that he’s attracted to who he then begins to date who he then calls his girlfriend who he then buys a ring proposes to then makes her his fiancé who he then marries later who becomes his wife.

You’re not a wife when I marry you. You’re a wife when I find you. You become my wife when I marry you but the wife is not the presence of a ring it’s the presence of your character. Too many women want to be married but you’re walking in the spirit of girlfriend. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit and carry yourself like you’re already taken and I promise you, when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.” 

Looking For A Wife
Last month, I met up with one of my closest male friends over a meal to catch up. During our conversation, I asked him about his single life. My specific questions were is a wife in your future? When are you getting married?

Becoming A Wife
Now let me say this before I continue, anytime I’m in the presence of a single Christian man, I always pose those questions. And I don’t let up until he sees the role he plays in a single woman becoming a wife. A man has to be looking for a wife to find a wife. She’s not going to just show up at his doorstep. He has to want to obey God in that area of his life. It is his obedience that will lead him to pursue finding a wife. 

It’s Not A Priority
Back to him. He looked at me and said, “I’m chillin’. I’m doing me.” My response was, what does that mean exactly? He then said, “It’s not a priority for me right now. I’m enjoying my life. I’m good.”

Men Are Slacking
I then leaned all the way into him and said, no you’re not good! Your responsibility is to look for a wife. Women are doing things they have no business doing (pursuing men) because men are slacking. Getting married is not even on your radar. P.S. he’s 51. When is it going to get on his radar? I’ll tell you when, when he has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

Chillin’ And Doing Me
Men like him, are why churches all across the nation are flooded with single women. It has nothing to do with how she carries herself. What a load of rubbish! Christian men are “Chillin’ and doing me.” As long as he takes on this attitude and behavior, Christian women will remain single.

Wants A Husband
Christian men, like my friend, have completely conformed to the patterns of this world so much so that he couldn’t identify a godly wife if she walked up to him. Furthermore, he wouldn’t attract a woman who carries herself like a wife. A woman who carries herself like a wife wants a husband.

I’m Judging You
She’s a force to be reckoned with. These men are not ready. Half of the men calling themselves Christians aren’t even Christians. And yes, I’m judging you. Going to church never made anyone a Christian and it never will.

A Worldly Man
My friend says he’s a Christian but if you ask me, he’s a churchgoer. He lives his life like a worldly man. I know he’s having sex whenever he can and dating just like men do in the world but he’ll definitely see you in church on Sunday. I used to go to church with him.

Confronts Me
Many of the “Christian” men I talked to at his church live like unsaved men. Some were shacking up with their girlfriends and all of them were having sex. It’s one reason I no longer attend. I don’t want to be in a church that makes me comfortable in my sin. I want to be in a church that confronts me about the sin in my life.

Gift Of Celibacy
Single Christian men are having sex, masturbating, watching pornography or all of the above so his need to find a wife doesn’t exist. No one is speaking to them about the importance of marriage. Who’s going to get these men together? Who will hold them accountable? Who’s going to hold his feet to the fire and tell him that unless God gave you the gift of remaining a virgin, you need to be looking for a wife?

Proverbs 31 Woman
Let me put myself on the chopping block; I’m a wife. I carry myself like a wife so much so that some people think I’m married. They’re shocked when I tell them otherwise. My mother cultivated me into a wife. She was a Proverbs 31 woman to her core and so am I.

You’re Not A Punk
Guess what, “Christian” men today can’t handle it. One day my younger brother and I were talking about my single life and he said, “You’re not a punk, you need a man…a real solid man.” I do! When you approach me, you better approach me because you’re ready for a wife otherwise… 

He Will Find You
Listen up ladies, I don’t have a microphone and a platform at a mega church like this pastor does so I’m using this platform to tell you this; if you happened to be at that women’s conference, I’m sorry you sat through that and was made responsible yet again for something that doesn’t rest on your shoulders. I need you to know, you’re not a wife because single Christian men are “Chillin’ and doing me. Marriage is not on his menu. It’s not a priority for him. When it becomes a priority, he will find you and make you his wife. Period!

Something to think about…

What say you? What do you think of the pastor’s statement? Will a woman become a wife when she carries herself like a wife? What do you think is the disconnect between single Christian men and marriage?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1. Leave a comment below

2. Share this post if you like it

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

bethany mcilrath August 18, 2017

That quote is just all sorts of odd. So sad that marriage in not just our culture, but our churches, has become such a formulaic and casual thing.
bethany mcilrath recently posted…Starting Well is a Decision You Have to Make Over and Over AgainMy Profile


Yvonne Chase August 19, 2017


It’s very odd. What I don’t like about it is it lets the man off the hook and places the responsibility solely on the woman.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Hard Conversations Today Make Life Easier TodayMy Profile


Diane Bailey August 18, 2017

I like how you have clearly defined your thoughts here.

My husband’s advice to young men, “Find and marry the mother of your children.”

Sex does not last forever but intimacy can if you want it to.
But a woman who is smart and kind and in love with her man is a woman worth the investment. But a young man also needs to consider if he is the father and husband he wants his children to be influenced by.

Stopping by from FMF. ITs so nice to visit here.


Sue August 18, 2017

Yvonne, well said! I wish I can tell all the women out there who are pursuing their future spouse that it won’t stop when they get married. If they initiate the dating, they may end up needing to initiate their engagement, their vacations, and many other aspects of their relationship. Initiating during their dating period sets a precedent that is hard to break free from. Thanks for speaking out on this. I hope those who need to hear this listen and take heed.


Yvonne Chase August 19, 2017


I flat out refuse to pursue a man. That’s not in my DNA! You’re right, pursue him now and you will pursue him for the rest of your life. Don’t complain when he doesn’t step up and take the lead.

Facts: “Initiating during their dating period sets a precedent that is hard to break free from.”
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Peter Wants A Wife And Rachel Needed A Proposal From AnybodyMy Profile


Trina Taylor August 19, 2017

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you and thank you again. I can always count on you to tell the entire truth.

I saw that video and it pissed me off too. Seems like the pastor was trying to bring attention to himself with the jokes and all before he made that statement.

Like you said, when single Christian men start looking for wives and stop following the patterns of this world, the large population of single Christian women will shrink. Someone needs to get these men together.


Yvonne Chase August 19, 2017


You’re welcome, you’re welcome and you’re welcome again. Ha!

The conversation needs to be balanced. Maybe some women are single because they have the spirit of girlfriend on them, however, the majority of single women I know been carrying themselves like wives for a long time. These men are not ready and no one is making them ready.

Somehow the finger gets pointed at the woman and that needs to stop.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…A Speck, A Plank And Fighting Our Way To Great RelationshipsMy Profile


Donna Reidland August 19, 2017

Hi Yvonne!

First of all, this is a great statement, “I don’t want to be in a church that makes me comfortable in my sin. I want to be in a church that confronts me about the sin in my life.” Married or single that’s where we all need to be. Thanks for being bold about it.

We live in a world full of things that are unfair and I’m afraid it’s getting worse (and what you said about men not stepping up to the plate and being the men God wants them to be is so true), but I try to remember that God is ultimately in control and no one can control our relationship with Him, but us. And that’s THE most important thing.

Blessings sweet friend!


Yvonne Chase August 19, 2017


You’re right, no one can control our relationship with him. With that said, I personally know a lot of men who are churchgoers and don’t have a relationship with him. The Bible is clear when it says, “Ye shall know them by their fruits.”
Yvonne Chase recently posted…The Most Important Issue In Living Single And Marriage Is…My Profile


Julie August 20, 2017

I think you’re right! Single men aren’t in a hurry to marry because they are getting the goods without the commitment.
And we wonder why our marriages aren’t lasting?!?

I always enjoy your posts!
Visiting from #Faith’nFriends
Julie recently posted…The Best Way to Complete Health and Wellness is ChristMy Profile


Yvonne Chase August 23, 2017


That and the fact that women are compromising and marrying churchgoers because they can’t find a man after Gods own heart.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Three Homeless Men And Three Dollar Bills Changed My LifeMy Profile


Lisa notes August 21, 2017

I don’t think I’ve ever thought this through, but I totally see your point, Yvonne. I usually have several women friend who are looking for a husband, but not men friend who are looking for a wife. Hmmm…. what is wrong with this picture? Thanks for making me think!
Lisa notes recently posted…Keep It Secret or Let Your Light Shine?My Profile


Yvonne Chase August 23, 2017


Everything is wrong with this picture. I’ve been around men my entire life more than women and I have never heard any man mention or tell me he’s looking for a wife. Most men, including Christian men, are not looking for wives.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Peter Wants A Wife And Rachel Needed A Proposal From AnybodyMy Profile


Jay Gibson August 27, 2018

This post raises some good points about singleness in the church. I believe the post can be further strengthened by emphasizing the need for men to truly seek God’s direction for a mate. Personally, I’m the product of a twenty four year marriage that ended in divorce. My former spouse confessed to be a Christian but committed adultery and has since remarried. God has upheld me over the past five years since the divorce. I remain single and have determined in my heart to finish strong in the Lord and single, if necessary. I strongly encourage men to seek God’s direction for a mate as the wrong woman will hinder you in fulfilling God’s plan for your life. A Godly man needs a helper to work with him to build the kingdom of God.


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