Is It Harder To Be Single Or Harder To Be Married?

by Yvonne Chase on June 25, 2015

Being Single Is Harder
The question, “Is it harder to be single or married” was asked to Candace Bushnell, the woman behind Sex and The City in a recent HuffPost Live interview. She thinks being single is harder.  Watch the video and we’ll talk after…

Men Can Be Single Until They’re Old And Gray
I believe we’ve been conditioned as a society to think something is seriously wrong with you if you’re single and that only applies to women.  Men can be single until they’re old and gray.  Women can’t without being flooded with a barrage of questions.  I hear it every day. People from all walks of life say things like, “Look at you! You’re gorgeous! Why are you single? And then they want to follow it up with, what’s wrong with you? but they don’t dare.

You Can’t Find Someone
The other day I read an article in the Huffington Post titled 8 Reasons It’s Okay to Be Single and much of it resonated with me.  The first reason states “It shows you don’t lower your standards. Many people think that if you’re single, it means you can’t find someone. But in reality, it’s smarter to wait for the right person to come along than it is to settle for all of the wrong ones. Give yourself a pat on the back for committing to this and recognizing what you deserve.”

It’s Easy To Find Someone
I love that.  It’s easy to find someone.  It’s challenging to find the right someone.  Settling for all the wrong ones in the meantime gives you lots of ex-drama which brings me to the other point I love; “Negative relationships don’t always just… end. Sometimes you will stay in touch with someone you shouldn’t have even been with in the first place — or you carry emotional baggage into your next relationship from the bad experiences you had. This helps nobody. There is no use in settling into the wrong relationship, which could potentially sabotage what could have been the right one.”

Can’t Get A Handle On Living Single
That is so true.  I know a lot of women with a lot of ex-drama.  They can’t seem to get a handle on living single so they go from one relationship to the next creating lots of drama along the way.  Another point I loved in the piece was the point about travel.  It says, “Hell, don’t just travel — move somewhere new if you want. Learning more about the world helps us learn more about ourselves. I understand (better than anyone) that family and other obligations can keep you from moving, and it’s not just about being in a relationship — but if you have the support from those around you, take a summer in Europe or move across the country.  These things will allow you to develop and discover — and you might just find your match during your journey.”

harder
Wasn’t A Good Match For Me
I’ve taken that advice and moved somewhere new.  I’m glad I did because I realized that place wasn’t a good match for me.  I no longer have to think about what it would be like to live there.  Great place to visit though.  It’s become my go-to place for my annual birthday staycation.  While I learned so much about life and myself during that move, the one major thing I learned about myself is, I’m built for adversity.  I’m resilient.  A Dennis Rodman rebound spirit lives in me. I don’t give up when I know I’m on the right path.  I figure out a way to make it work even if that means changing lanes and I keep on going no matter what.  I felt super empowered after making that move even though it didn’t turn out as I planned. God had a better plan.

Their Identity Has Always Been Tied To Another Person
Last but not least is the point about learning about yourself.  It says, “The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be. Often “serial monogamists” have a difficult time finding a long-term healthy relationship because their identity has always been tied to another person. It is difficult to find a happy, healthy relationship if you have not taken the time to really define what that means to you. How will you recognize it when it comes along?”

Hey There, Why Are You Married?
Here’s what I know for sure, I will definitely recognize the right relationship when it comes along because I’ve had plenty of time to define what that means to me.  The only person my identity has ever been tied to and will ever be tied to is Jesus Christ and what he says about me.  I gotta give myself a pat on the back for making great use of my single life.  I’ve moved a couple of times to some place new, I know myself extremely well, I have zero ex-drama and I haven’t lowered my realistic standards.  Some of your standards are unrealistic and that’s why you’re single.  In closing, within the context of the question, I’d say it’s much harder to be single than married after all, no one is asking you, “Hey there, why are you married?”

Something to think about…

What say you? Is it harder to be single or is it harder to be married? Why do you think single people are given such a hard time? Why aren’t’ single men bothered as much about their status as single women? Can someone truly be happy being single? Why do people think being happily single is a facade?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

 1.  Leave a comment below

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Diane Robertson June 25, 2015

Here’s the thing for me. I have made a decision to renew my mind.
If I allow society to dictate to me what I need to be happy, then they will BUT if I take that power back, and determine what “my happy” and walk it out like I believe it then society can just “bite me”. – My current deal is that I am beginning to strike a groove where this single thing ain’t bad at all. It has many, many perks. Once I am able to, by God’s grace, take care of myself financially, and I am getting to that space in my life where I am beginning to also figure out taking care of my parents in the long term, I think I am going to be good.
Another thing, Questions about why I am single, and if I am dating will only phase me if I allow it to. I don’t march to the beat of the drum of anyone else but Jesus, and my own according to His purpose. Therefore, although it took me a long while to get here being single, is a hoot.
If marriage happens to come along with the right fit, and we are compatible, and walking together to accomplish God’s plan/will, well so be it but until that time, for me, it all about where God wants me, what he wants me to do, and getting it done.
Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle from time to time. I want to be wined and dined and feel goose bumps when the phone rings, or snuggle and watch movies, BUT I have changed my mentality about the whole thing. A husband, and 2.5 kids ain’t for everyone, but being where, and doing what you’re supposed to be doing is. We’re all here for a purpose. So I am minding my business, and hanging out with God to learn what that is, and get’er done.
God has granted me grace, and through further fellowship with Him, and being obedient to His voice I am staying on the path He has for me, whatever it is.
Besides, right now unless I want to buy gifts, my money is my own. I can travel when I want, and to where I want. I can exercise early in the morning, and late at night. Eat breakfast for dinner, 7 days a week – The list is endless.
So I can’t say it is better since I have never been married, but I am grateful for my singleness, and determined to enjoy it. Happiness is a choice, and it starts with me.
Diane Robertson recently posted…The Application ProcessMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase June 25, 2015

@Diane,

I LOVE every word in your comment, however, within the context of the question, because, like you, I have nothing to compare it to, I do believe it’s harder to be single today. No one questions married people. No one asks them 100 times a day why they’re married. No one tries to make them feel bad for being married. They’re not scorned or looked down on.

Like you, I’d love to be in a relationship…when the time is right and with the right person. My priority right now is being the right person in God’s eyes.

Agree w/this 100%: “God has granted me grace, and through further fellowship with Him, and being obedient to His voice I am staying on the path He has for me, whatever it is.”

Like you, “I am minding my business, and hanging out with God to learn what that purpose is, and get’er done.”

Amen and Amen!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…If You’re Not Ready To Leave And Cleave, You’re Not Ready To MarryMy Profile

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Mmabatho J. Seete (@MmabathoSisJ) June 25, 2015

This is powerful stuff Yvonne and Diane! Lots for single people to meditate on.

It’s unfortunate that people still see marriage as a goal, and a rite of passage to womanhood. It’s like the mindless “how come you don’t have children?” I’m never asked why I have a child, yet people have no qualms looking quizzically at those who don’t have children seriously needing to know why. Irks me to no end.

Is it harder to be single or harder to be married? Someone married once said, “I’d rather be single wishing I were married than married wishing I were single”. I think we romanticize marriage. We compare our reality to married people’s social masks and get to feeling that music is always a soft backdrop to their life and that ice in their drink never melts. We forget about the bad breath hitting you on the pillow next to you when you wake up in the morning and the smelly socks under the unmade bed.

I remain open to being married because having a companion to share life with is a nice thing to have. However, I am mindful not to romanticize how my life would be with a full-time companion in it. At this phase of my life, he’d have to be a very special man for me to find joy fitting him into my life and having to navigate around him.

People say I am too picky and that life is too short. To this I say, because life is too short, all the more reason I can’t afford to spend what’s left of mine miserable because I settled for the wrong man.

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Diane Robertson June 25, 2015

@Mmbatho,
You said it…YOU SAID IT! What an inspirational comment.
3 Things that struck a cord, and I deeply believe:
1) “It’s unfortunate that people still see marriage as a goal, and a rite of passage to womanhood.”
*That’s the revelation that I obtained recently. I do not need to be attached to a man to be a full – and fulfilled woman.

2) “People say I am too picky and that life is too short. To this I say, because life is too short, all the more reason I can’t afford to spend what’s left of mine miserable because I settled for the wrong man.”
*I much prefer to be single until the grave than be a relationship that is stressful, and burdensome, just because I am supposed to be with a man.

3) “I’d rather be single wishing I were married than married wishing I were single”.
*Boom, Boom Pow! – Sort of sums it up.

I totally get that life seems more difficult for single women due the incessant questioning, and judgement, but you know what? – I do not subscribe to the nonsense anymore. The questions evaporate like mist in my psyche.
During the holidays with family, when questions arise about whether I am dating, or why I am so picky, or “what about online dating”? I as sweetly as possible, but firmly, let folks know; “I’m good. That is not my focus. Being fulfilled by passion, and purpose has me fulfilled, and occupied.”
Diane Robertson recently posted…Life Passages XII – RevelationMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase June 26, 2015

@Diane,

I find it very weird that a woman would think she needs to be attached to a man to be a full and fulfilled woman.

My family never asks me about my love life…they know better. It’s none of their business! Just like their married lives are none of my business:-)
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Ladies, Don’t You EVER Freeze Your Eggs With Your FianceMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase June 25, 2015

@Mmabatho,

We definitely romanticize marriage. The worst thing we can do is compare our lives to anyone’s because we don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. What looks good on the outside could be hell on the inside.

Galatians 6:4-6 cosigns, “Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. 5 You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.”

Absolutely LOVE this: “People say I am too picky and that life is too short. To this I say, because life is too short, all the more reason I can’t afford to spend what’s left of mine miserable because I settled for the wrong man.”

You and Diane are definitely my people. So glad we randomly met on Twitter. Birds of a feather…you know the rest:-)
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Ladies, Say Yes To Marriage And No To A Love ContractMy Profile

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Diane Robertson June 25, 2015

@YvonneChase

Yes! So glad that I met you like minded ladies. Talk about divine connections. Go God! 🙂

Keep doing what you’re doing!
Diane Robertson recently posted…Life Passages XI – The Fall OutMy Profile

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Meg @ Color Me Meg June 27, 2015

I do think it’s harder to be single, sure. But I LOVE that you are living and doing what you love and enjoying the ride. The needing to be married as a goal/fulfillment is a little intense. Yeah, I’m married, and he’s great, and life is better (though also some work) in a lot of ways because I’m married, but I also think if I hadn’t married him until a few years from now. I’d still be great. I’d be doing awesome amazing inspiring things on my own. He won’t complete you, he’ll be coming along for the ride. My 37 year old brother just got married this year to his 37 year old bride. At the wedding they gave out shirts with #worththewait on them. I totally agree and used to say that very thing all the time “if rather be single and waiting rather than married and wishing I wasn’t!” Great read- thanks for sharing. 😉
Meg @ Color Me Meg recently posted…our marriage, no our FAMILY, must come firstMy Profile

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Yvonne Chase July 2, 2015

@Meg,

The needing to be married as a goal/fulfillment is a lot intense. I don’t understand it at all. How will marriage fulfill me/any single woman who is not already fulfilled?

LOVE your attitude about it all. Refreshing to hear it from a married woman. My relationship status has nothing to do with the quality of my life. I’m gonna ride this out until the wheels fall off. If marriage happens, great. If it doesn’t , great.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…If You’re Not Ready To Leave And Cleave, You’re Not Ready To MarryMy Profile

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AwesomelyOZ July 1, 2015

I agree with you that it is harder to be single. I am not even single, I am in a relationship for 3 years now and the question I get is “When are you getting married?” – Like dude chill. I take my time with things as I am once divorced, that baggage alone is just – never ending! It’s one thing if it were amicable but it w a s n ‘ t. SO I’m not rushing on this one, we know we’re in it for the long haul but it’s not a detail we’re focused on at this time. I’ve noticed that regardless people are always asking questions, trying to piece together the story that is you. I’ve also noticed that the few who keep insisting and nagging about marriage and singledom are the most dissatisfied. I learned at a very young age to: mind yer business. I loved Sex & the City – the early seasons. Charlotte was awesome! Have a great one Yvonne! -Iva
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Summer July 2, 2015

I say different strokes for different strokes. I am married and l my husband. But, the relationship I share with my husband is not the usual relationship between most married couples I know. Thanks for your visit to my blog ♥
Summer recently posted…I Just won’t Go With ThatMy Profile

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