Is It Best To Heal Before Seeking A Mate?

by Yvonne Chase on December 10, 2013

healGreatest Men Of Our Time
Today was the memorial service for one of the greatest men of our time; Nelson Mandela.  He was often described as the closest reflection of Jesus walking the earth.  Nelson Mandela lived a remarkable life and left behind an enviable legacy.  A huge part of that remarkable life was his wife Graca Machel.  In a recent interview, she talked about the mutual pain that brought her and Nelson Mandela together.  Here’s what she said;

The beginning of our closeness was two people who had been very hurt by life.  I was sharing my pain with him and I wanted him to help.  It would take somebody like Madiba to wake up and to live again and to believe love is possible and finally to fall in love.  

This is a person who had sort of a similar history [to me],” she said. “Because in those days, he was separated from Winnie.  He was alone.  So that sense of being hurt, being lonely and trying to find answers for a very deep sense of pain and loss — I think that’s what sparked our connection.

We know how precious quality time is because we have lost it before and now that we have regained it we give it so much value and we know there is nothing that can replace that special moment when we are together

A Great Space For Healing
I find that fascinating because I believe we’ve all heard we need to be emotionally whole and healthy before entering a relationship.  All of our issues need to be dealt with and sorted out before seeking a mate.  People are going to therapy day and night to fix themselves before experiencing love.  While I can see how fixing ones self would benefit all parties involved, I also understand how two hurt people can help each other heal.  I believe romantic relationships can offer a great space for healing.


Deepest Human Needs
Graca was fully aware of Nelsons previous pain and I’m sure that knowledge made her compassionate towards him considering her own pain.  Hurt people can empathize with others who are hurting.  Empathy breeds compassion.  Compassion breeds thoughtfulness.  Thoughtfulness breeds kindness.  Kindness breeds acts of love.  She cared about him.  He cared about her.  She needed him. He needed her.  One of our deepest human needs is to feel needed…to know we’re loved…to know someone cares about us…to know that we matter greatly to someone.  See how that can work?

Explosion Of Healing
I suppose it would be best if we could all heal our hurts and process our pain before seeking a mate.  If you can’t, don’t let it stop you.  Perhaps your pain can intersect without another persons pain to create an explosion of healing and build a bond of deep love like Graca and Nelson.

Love seems to be a mystery to all of us. Those in an intimate committed relationship are touched by the healing power of love in a special way. Your life partner can give you an opportunity to develop patience, understanding, courage, compassion, forgiveness and fulfill your deepest desires and purpose in life.  John Robbins

Something to think about…

What say you? Have you heard we need to be emotionally whole and healthy before entering a relationship? What are your thoughts on that?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1.  Leave a comment below

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Anthony Marrero December 12, 2013

If you are lucky to find that soul that pairs with yours, then you stand a chance to heal together with connection, and understanding. It is not easy to find that person who truly gets it. You have to want to heal, not replay the victim and stay in that space. Some are just too conditioned and are attached to the “why me”.

Yvonne Chase December 12, 2013


I believe Nelson and Graca were lucky to find each other. You’re right…you have to want to heal. When you want to heal, you can do it solo; before seeking a mate or a mate can be the catalyst to your healing.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

naijawife December 12, 2013

In a nutshell, the answer is YES. Please heal before the next round

Yvonne Chase December 12, 2013


I do believe healing is best before the next round however, I also believe if both people or the hurting person wants to heal as Anthony mentioned above, the right relationship can be a great place to facilitate that healing.

Thanks for stopping by!

Kimberly H. Smith December 13, 2013

Nice post in honor of Nelson Mandela. My grandmother renewed a relationship with someone after the two of them were both widowed. They both had long marriages with their former spouses before they passed. I am so glad they reconnected and married not long after because they are made for each other. I was very concerned about how my grandmother would move forward after my grandfather died. With the help of her current husband who I consider a grandfather, she has done things she never did before. Thanks for linking up to Traffic Jam Weekend!

Ro January 20, 2014

Great post! Stopping by from the SITS tribe, can’t wait to read more.

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