Holding Out Until Marriage Does Not Guarantee A Great Marriage

by Yvonne Chase on September 29, 2014

Remain A Virgin Until Marriage
Last week on Twitter, @DivorceCourt asked, “Should women still hold out until their wedding night to have sex?” My response was, yes.  If the wedding night was disappointing, they have the entire marriage to make it better.  The question was asked based on a woman who said, “It happened to me; I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and wished I hadn’t.  At the age of 10, she took a pledge to remain a virgin until marriage.  She wrote a blog post about it.   Here are a few excerpts from her blog post:

Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal.”

The church taught me that sex was for married people. Extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it. I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.

Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband’s sexual needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t that it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.

Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be uncomfortable the first time. What they didn’t tell me is that I would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn’t yet comprehend. They didn’t tell me that I’d be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now.

It didn’t get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn’t lead him on. I dreaded bedtime. Maybe he’d want to have sex.

When he did, I obliged. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy because I loved him so much and because I’d been taught it was my duty to fulfill his needs. But I hated sex. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to like it, because it wasn’t fair. I had done everything right. I took the pledge and stayed true to it. Where was the blessed marriage I was promised?

Your Church Taught You Wrong
Girlfriend, I’m here to tell you your church taught you wrong. They delivered the wrong message to you about sex.  Sex is not dirty.  Everything God creates and designs is good, including sex.  Your marriage or any other virgin’s marriage for that matter will not be more blessed because you waited.  There are couples who waited and ended up divorced and there are couples who didn’t’ wait and are experiencing marital bliss. Entering into marriage as a virgin does not offer a guaranteed blessed marriage.

How Many Male Virgins Do You Know?
While I know Christian parents don’t teach this to their sons AND daughters, BOTH men and women are to wait until marriage. How many male virgins do you know? I know none however, I know several female virgins.  In addition, after both have waited until marriage, both husband AND wives are to fulfill each other’s sexual needs.  1 Corinthians 7:4 states this clearly; “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” Sexual fulfillment in marriage is a dual responsibility.  It’s not a lopsided command!

I Chose Sex
Unfortunately, the woman who wrote this post no longer attends church nor is she religious.  She says, “As I started to heal, I realized that I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time. I chose sex. Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood.  I’m now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality.  If I could go back, I would not wait.  I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn’t go to hell for it. If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it’s because you want to. It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours.”

Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, whom you have received [as a Gift] from God? You are not your own.  You were bought with a price [purchased with a preciousness and paid for, made His own]. So then, honor God and bring glory to Him in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Something to think about…

What say you? Should women still hold out until the wedding night? What about men? Is the message lopsided? What were you taught about sex? 

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

 1.  Leave a comment below

 2.  Share this post if you like it

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x September 29, 2014

I’m curious – was this blogger white?


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