Humans Of New York And The Struggle To Choose A Mate

by Yvonne Chase on April 28, 2016

The Road To Marriage
Do you read Humans Of New York? I found them on Instagram sometime back and have been hooked ever since. The stories are all about the experiences of a variety of people living in NYC.  They’re fascinating! Today my eyes landed on this story and it reminded me of the struggle many single people experience on the road to marriage. Take a read and we’ll talk after:

“I’m forty-eight now. I’ve been dating a woman for over two years. And I’m getting to the point where I probably need to cut her loose or commit. I’ve never been married. I’ve gotten close with two or three women. I actually got as close as City Hall one time. But I’ve always backed down. I guess I thought that I’d eventually meet a woman, and some sort of pathway would open up in my mind, and I’d know that she was the right one. But it hasn’t happened. I’ve never gotten to the point where the thought of marriage doesn’t freak me out. And here I am again. I just spent a wonderful day in the park with this woman. It was lovely. But now my mind jumps to the future. And I worry that there’s something I’m not seeing. I’m afraid that something will reveal itself once we’ve exchanged our vows, and suddenly my life will be worse than when I was alone.”

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Bigger Better Deal
Have you ever had that experience? He’s not alone. Many single men go through this. They meet a great woman, have a great time with her, create wonderful experiences, envision spending the rest of life together but can’t pull the trigger. They wonder if they will miss out on something by committing to one woman. They wonder if a bigger, better deal is out there so they don’t commit.  Let’s face it, we have a lot of choices and sometimes we miss out because we won’t make a choice.

Ripe For Marriage
The thought of marriage should freak you out. It’s the biggest decision you will make in your life.  That one decision could change the entire trajectory of your life for better or worst.  As one of my pastors says, “If the thought of marriage doesn’t freak you out, maybe you’re not ready to be married.  The thought should absolutely freak you out.” Dude, looks like you are ripe for marriage.  Take the next step. Don’t let fear be the reason you miss out on the best thing that could ever happen to you.  

Circumstance Didn’t Permit
Guess what, there’s always something you’re not seeing even when a person is showing you their best self. People change. Life changes. What you think you haven’t seen was already there but you didn’t see it because circumstance didn’t permit. Life happens and brings out the best and worst in us.  It all comes with the package of choosing a mate; you don’t know what you’re gonna get.  When my brother got married, he didn’t know chronic illness would plague his body.  His wife didn’t know it either.  No one knew it! I can’t say it enough, life happens. None of us knows what’s coming down the pipeline.   

Take That Next Step
Your life could be worse than when you were alone or it could be exponentially better but you won’t know until you take that next step. Life is all about taking chances.  You’ve been with her two years. Depending on how you’ve spent that time, it’s more than enough time to see the varying sides of a person.  You’re right; you need to cut her loose or commit. Holding on to her is not fair to her especially if she wants to be married and thinks you want to marry her.

The Bottom Could Fall Out
Life is all about risks. No risk, no reward. It’s all about taking chances. You can’t be a doubting Thomas and you can’t be double-minded.  A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.  You gotta be all in and you have to trust yourself that you made the right decision.  Life happens in spite of all of our planning and great decision making. You could marry the right person tomorrow, create a great life then the bottom could fall out.  Doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice it simply means life happened and now you gotta roll up your sleeves and deal with it.  There are no guarantees in this thing called life. 

Do Not String Her Along
Single men, if you are in this man’s shoes, you need to go sit with a therapist to get to the root of your issue. Something deeper is going on with you that you can’t figure out on your own.   You also need to have a transparent conversation with your beloved.  Let her know how you feel.  Be honest. Do not string her along for one more day.  If you love her and care about her that much, you need to give her the option to stay or go.  Set her free to find love with someone else who is ready. Isn’t that what you’d want?
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Something to think about…

What say you? Have you ever lost out on a great love because you were afraid to take the next step?

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