Is this the Norm? No Judgment – Just Asking!

by Yvonne Chase on June 20, 2011

I wanted to write about this last week but I refrained for fear of shoes and daggers being thrown at me.   I decided to write about it today after a girlfriend sent an email begging me to speak on it.  What am I talking about?

Nia Long the actress from Love Jones, Soul Food, The Best Man and other movies is pregnant with her second child out of wedlock.  Pop the champagne…let’s celebrate.  The father is a ball player with the San Antonio Spurs and they are over the moon with excitement.  In my girlfriends email, she asked, is this what we’re doing now? Celebrating babies out of wedlock? Is this  the norm? I mean…what happened to getting married first? We don’t do that anymore?

Ask me again because I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure it out.  Now, folks may say, what’s the big deal…Nia Long has the resources to take care of her kid so what do we care…here’s the thing…if Nia Long never wants to marry and continue to have kids out of wedlock by different men following in the footsteps of Erykah Badu who has 3 kids from 3 different men and Lauryn Hill who has 5 kids and one on the way from someone else because the father of her five says he’s not the father of this one, fine…just don’t plaster it all over the Internet, celebrate it and give them a pass because they’re celebrities.  Minus their bank accounts, Nia, Erykah and Lauryn are no different than the chick in Brooklyn who just got knocked up by her dude.

I believe we in the black community at times celebrate the wrong things; out of wedlock babies, stealing another woman’s husband, I mean this was breaking news all over the Internet last week.  Why? When there are young couples like my boy and his wife who recently gave birth to a baby girl to add to their family of two.  While he goes out to work, she stays home and home schools the youngster while breastfeeding and tending to the needs of the toddler.  When he returns home from work, he puts on his parenting cap and they do it together all the while showing their kids how much they love each other and are committed to each other.  That’s something to celebrate.  That’s something to model.  That’s something to blast all over the Internet and slap on magazine covers not another celebrity who got knocked up by some ball player.

Maybe if our young women saw more models of good behavior and less celebration of the bad behavior that permeates our community and comes with serious consequences, they would aspire to a new goal knowing that its quite attainable.   Every time we celebrate another female celeb having a kid out of wedlock, we are sending a message that single motherhood is acceptable and that my friend is unacceptable.  What say you?

Something to think about…

© Copyright 2011-2012, Yvonne Chase. All rights reserved.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Deb Miller June 20, 2011

Tell your girlfriend that women DO still get married first and as women we MUST model that for our children!! Thank you for addressing something that is soooooo very common, esp. out there on the west coast….Kudos to you Yvonne!!
Lots of Love & Admiration to you Dear One,


Voice of Reason June 20, 2011

I believe in free choice. Who am I to judge someone? I have a few girlfriends who don’t want to be married.Never did. Their choice. Conversely, I know a few that would love to be married and have children. No prospects in sight, yet they hear their “Biological Clocks” ticking!! Be true to yourself and live your life!


anon June 20, 2011

no, its not the norm. celebrities are just one slice of the population whose lives become over inflated. hopefully people arent totally swayed by celebrities and what they see on tv.
btw – she looks good pregnant!


Carol June 20, 2011

This is so powerful. I am so glad u spoke on it. God is real and as much as he
Loves us, there r consequences 4 our sin. Children are a blessing and once
Someone gets pregnant they should embrace the joy of motherhood but these
Celebrity moms should know that means to care for these children does not
Erase the sin. They must acknowledge god and sin no more. As 4 role models our society as a whole needs to learm a whole new set of values.


James June 20, 2011

Yvonne, your idealism is wonderful, influenced, as you’ve said, by the success of your parents’ and friends’ marriages.

But please don’t overlook the most important, albeit hidden, player in marriage: government.

The government destroys men, and their families, whose wives tire of them. Divorce, domestic violence laws, child support laws, and restraining orders are unfair. Lower and middle class families are particular targets of federal family laws that deny husbands and fathers due process.

Men are shying away from marriage not because they fear commitment, but because they don’t want to see their lives, finances, and families destroyed by courts when their wives become discontent, bored, or impetuous with them.


anon June 21, 2011

@ james – this is the first i’ve heard. the government is not a hidden player in marriage.


Yvonne Chase June 21, 2011

@James…since wives tire of husbands and become discontent, bored and impetuous with them, maybe the husband needs to find out why and do something about it.


Eustace L. Greaves Jr. September 1, 2012

Back in the 80s, a Black woman of means told me she wanted to have a child, and asked me if I would help her get pregnant. She promised I’d have no financial or emotional responsibility for the child: In fact, she’d prefer my not being in the picture at all.

All I’d have to do was be a good shot.

I told her any child of mine I was blessed to create in this world would see me every day, because our child would live with Mommy and Daddy. She’d eat dinner at our table, be tucked in by us, and of course, have great stories read to her each night. Our child or children would grow up in a balanced home, her life-course chartered by both Father and Mother.

I expressed my utter shock at, and contempt for, her request.
Of course, I lost her as a client.

Several years passed, and lo and behold, while walking down the street one day with Ashley’s future mom, I ran into this same lady and yes, she had a little one. Seems her neighbor was all too willing to donate to the cause.

I’m sorry for Ms. Long and her “basketballer.” I only hope they’ll come to their senses and realize this is not what is best for their child(ren). Also, imagine how she’ll feel if he decides to take up with someone younger, firmer, perkier, and in a superficial way, prettier.

When I dropped our daughter at her college, I reminded her how deeply I loved and respected her mother. Even though we lost her ten years ago, I told her how I expected her to conduct herself in this new world. My main advice was,”Let someone else’s female child be the campus ho. You are my daughter, born of a man and woman who loved each other just a little bit less than they loved you. Don’t you dare forget the lessons we gave you, most important of which is respect for self.”

“Booty calls and books do not mix.”

Have I gone off on a tangent? No. Sisters, respect the ability to form families, something denied us during the slave times. Exercise your right to a committed, loving, and decent relationship.


Yvonne Chase September 1, 2012

@Eustace….I love, love, love everything about your comment especially the advice you gave your daughter.

In addition, more women need to “Respect the ability to form families. Exercise your right to a committed, loving and decent relationship.”

Let the church say a loud AMEN!

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.


My Site July 15, 2014

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JL September 26, 2016

It’s actually an choice indiviadual. If you want a succesful marriage and happy family, you have to be careful in choosing your partner and pursue marriage. If not, you’ll do what most women are doing and soon be a single mom chasing for a child support.
JL recently posted…Child Support in Australia Made Easy to Guarantee the Best for Your ChildMy Profile


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