Its All About Me, Me, Me!

by Yvonne Chase on January 4, 2013

If you think of this world as a place intended simply for your happiness, you find it quite intolerable; think of it as a place of training and correction and its not so bad.  C.S. Lewis

Why Are So Many People Unhappily Married?
I came across that quote this morning while having devotion.  The first thought to pop into my head was; that sounds like marriage.  Many people think marriage is a union intended simply for their happiness then find it quite intolerable when they realize its not. Yesterday I text one of closest friends back east and asked him to call me.  I wanted to ask him a very important question that had been on my mind for several days.   My question was; why are so many people unhappily married? I asked him that question for three reasons; first he’s been married going on eighteen years.  Second, we both expected his marriage to last eighteen days and third he has a great handle on his marriage.

Completely Clueless
Sam comes from the Fort Green projects in Brooklyn and has never had a good model of marriage.  If you let him tell it, he was completely clueless when he said, “I do.”  He’s never met his father and his mother did her best to keep him on the straight and narrow.  She did a great job!

Divorce Is Not An Option
I’m so proud of Sam and the man he is in his marriage.  Like your marriage, his hasn’t been easy.  Its required lots of introspection and work…on self.  Over the years, I’ve had tons of in your face conversations with Sam about his marriage.  I’ve recommended books and he’s read them.  I’ve told him to change his behavior and his attitude or else.  I’ve pointed him to the Bible for wisdom.  I’ve backed him up against the wall and held him accountable.  Sam wants to make his marriage work.  Divorce is not an option.  His vows mean everything to him.  Going against them would make him a liar and a failure; two things he is not.

Training and Correction
While I’m unmarried, I’ve always looked at marriage as the ultimate course in personal growth and development.   Think about it; two people from two different walks of life are coming together for the first time to live till death do us part.  I don’t know what people expect when they marry.  You should expect problems.  You should know that your spouse will piss you off immensely.  You should at least expect to live out your vows; richer/poorer, better/worse, sickness/health.  On the last episode of The RHOA, Phaedra talked about her marriage and she said; I want to kill my husband lots of days.  I want to injure him.  Of course she won’t kill her husband or injure him but having someone up in your neck 24/7 will make you want to do some crazy things.

Ultimate Narcissistic Expression
As I’m sitting here typing this post, an email popped in my inbox from Mark Gungor, a sought-after speaker on marriage and family.  He says; all marriages start off very selfishly.  When a couple begins dating, it is generally all about each person’s own interests.  “I like what you do for me.  I like the way you make me feel.  When I’m with you I’m happy.  You make me feel validated.”  At the beginning, marriage really is the ultimate narcissistic expression.  The reason you are getting married is because of what he/she does for you.  And it’s the same for the other person.  Its all about me, me, me!  But then you get these two me, me, me people together and something has to give. Marriages where couples are able make the transition from selfish, me-centered thinking, the ones where the husband and wife realize that they can’t get everything they want, are the ones that make it.  The marriages where couples don’t do that…and many people don’t are the ones that fall apart. 

Losers Win – Winners Lose
He goes on to say; sometimes you just have the mentality that “I get to lose.”  Deliberately choose to lose.  Lose your selfishness, your ego and your right to be right all the time.  Ironically, losers win and winners lose in this one.

Something to think about…

Are you willing to lose to win in your marriage?  Why do you think so many people are unhappily married?

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2.  Leave a comment below

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