There Are Levels To Choosing The Right Mate

by Yvonne Chase on July 27, 2015

Living A 100% Surrendered Life To God
A couple of weeks ago, I posed the following question to my Tweeps; when choosing a mate, does the person have to match your level of maturity? The surprising general consensus was, no.  I took the question further and asked about faith.  Does the person have to match your level of maturity in faith? Again, the answer was no.  Last night I attended a Dating & Marriage workshop and this topic came up.  The focus of this part of the discussion was about living a 100% surrendered life to God as a single and using that as a parameter when choosing a mate.

One Leg In And One Leg Out
The teacher asked a guy and a girl to come forward. He placed a 10 around the guys neck and a 5 around the girls neck. The guy was at a level 10 of surrender in his walk with God, 10 being the highest and the girl was at a 5.  She wasn’t fully surrendered.  She sort of had one leg in and one leg out. Her faith was not necessarily her priority.  After giving us the breakdown of what their faith meant to each of them and how it played out in their lives, he asked “If you were God, would you be kind enough to give this guy at level 10 to this girl at level 5?  One person answered, “No. She could bring him down spiritually because they’re not at the same level.  The level 10 guy said, “Or it could be the other way around.” He could elevate her to his level of surrender in her faith. The teacher said it doesn’t usually happen that way.

Men Are Called To Lead
I asked my initial question because of an observation of two public couples Russell Wilson and Ciara and Devon Franklin and Meagan Good.

levels
There’s A Difference Between A Believer And A Follower
Russell is the new man in R&B singer Ciara’s life.  He’s a devout Christian and clarifies that by saying there’s a difference between being a believer and a follower.  He is both a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ. He says his girlfriend Ciara is too however, prior to them coming out as the new “It” couple, I had no clue about her faith.  There was no evidence anywhere about her following Jesus Christ.  The same was true for actress Meagan Good and Devon Franklin. Prior to their union, there was no evidence anywhere that she was a Christian much less a follower of Jesus Christ.  Who knew?

No History Of Dating Christian Men
Neither of these women had a history of dating Christian men prior to the new men in their lives.  If someone is a follower of Jesus Christ, there will be evidence of it somewhere.  Both Russell and Devon are at a level 10 in their surrender to God. I believe a Level 10 man can date down in spiritual maturity however, I don’t believe the reverse can be true without her taking the lead.  You see, men are called to lead.  If a man is stronger in his faith, he can lead a woman to a deeper level of surrender in her faith. The catch there is he must be sure she is doing it for the right reasons.

We Must Absolutely Match
The question had been on my mind also because of my level of surrender.  My thinking lines up with the teacher on this issue. I am 100% surrendered in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  My relationship with him is my life.  He is my everything; my first priority.  He comes before all else.  My walk with God affects every aspect of my life. I couldn’t see myself dating a guy who is not at least as surrendered in that relationship as I am.  For me, we must absolutely match in that area and I’d be ecstatic if he were a few steps ahead of me.

Take Me To Deeper Levels In That Relationship
As the discussion continued, the teacher said, “God probably wouldn’t promote a relationship between a level 5 and a level 10 because they are not equal in surrender.  Level 10 probably would not be attracted to level 5.”  Makes sense to me.  I’m not attracted to men who aren’t as surrendered as I am hence my single status.  For me, the man sets the spiritual temperature in the relationship.  My relationship with God is my responsibility however, whomever I date must take me to deeper levels in that relationship.  How can he do that if he’s at a level 5? Can he?

Something to think about…

What say you? Does your potential mate have to match your level of maturity? Must levels of faith match? Can a level 5 man lead a level 10 woman?

Lauren C. July 27, 2015

This is a very intriguing article and topic. I was recently married just 8 short months ago – but our courting process took 3 long years as we were learning to be surrendered to God on the same level. We both come from backgrounds of knowing God intimately, but struggling with being separate from the world in purity. So, we knew that if we weren’t completely submitted to God, we couldn’t be in a functioning, healthy, and thriving relationship with one another.

I can say now that I see many of my friends and family struggling in their marriages because of a lack of surrender and submission to God in their personal lives. This is one thing my husband and I fight for daily – if we are submitted to God, we will be able to serve one another from a place of purity and realness. If I love God, I will love and serve my husband and he will love, serve and lead me like Christ doe for us.

In short, this article explains that Christians can even be “unequally yoked.” This simply means that they are not equally desiring the things of God. Marriage is a spiritual covenant and partnership – and you don’t go into business with someone who is not going to put the same effort forth as you or who isn’t going to be committed to seeing God’s glory fully manifested through your relationship/partnership. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this matter!
Lauren C. recently posted…The Bare ProjectMy Profile

Diane Robertson July 28, 2015

Lauren C. thanks for sharing your comment.
It is a wonderful testimony, and quite educational for this single lady. 🙂

Thanks so much!
Diane G.
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Yvonne Chase July 28, 2015

@Lauren,

Congratulations on married life. I hope its everything you want it to be and so much more.

One of the key points of the workshop was encouraging singles to be totally surrendered and submitted to God. One of the key points made was, surrendering your life to God will be a blessing and gift to your love life. It is only when we are at the height of our relationship with God that we are able to make the best mate choice.

Yes indeed. Christians can be unequally yoked. I was very surprised that one would marry someone who essentially isn’t on the same page. I wouldn’t marry an immature man. Why would I marry an immature Christian? Doesn’t make sense to me.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Better To Be Single And Glad Than Married And SadMy Profile

Diane Robertson July 28, 2015

Oh heck Yeah, to all your questions. 🙂

Many times the scripture about being “unequally yoked” is interpreted to refer to being in a relationship with someone outside of “the church” or not living a “faith walk”, but I have come to learn through experience, that two persons in “the church” can also be unequally yoked.

You are so right, right, right! If my life is committed to God—I mean sold out—I can no longer to mingle with someone who picks, and chooses what they will believe, or picks and chooses what part of The Word, they’d obey.

On the other hand, I don’t attribute my singleness to the men I choose, or have chosen. Looking back, it was all on me. Ignoring Red Flags at the start, or the nudging of the Holy Spirit in the midst, is all on me. I attribute it to my own lack of maturity in certain area.

Still, God’s love is perfect, and so is His plan. It’s up to me to remain on the potter’s wheel.

Also, Cheers to Ciara! My mind is wide open-Russell may very well be God’s vessel for her life right now. Nothing is impossible with God! Cheers, Cheers, Cheers!!

Great article!
Diane Robertson recently posted…BOOK REVIEW: “He Who Finds A Wife”My Profile

Yvonne Chase July 28, 2015

@Diane

The teacher of this workshop said he was single by choice for 5 years prior to meeting his wife. That was a choice. He wanted to be fully rooted and grounded in his relationship with God to ensure he made the right choice. His now wife was also single for the same amount of time and for the same reasons. They met while doing God’s work in Haiti.

That is my story. I know the only man for me is one who is 100% rooted and grounded in his relationship with God. That is why I’m single and have been for a while with no complaints. During this time, I’m obeying God and leaving all of the consequences to him. It’s been the bumpiest ride of my life but so worth it.

Russell may be God’s vessel for her life. If that is true, I hope it’s not just for right now. If it is, they may want to take the romance out of it to avoid broken hearts in the end. If it’s for marriage, I hope they are saved and walking with God.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…If You’re Not Ready To Leave And Cleave, You’re Not Ready To MarryMy Profile

Mmabatho J. Seete (@MmabathoSisJ) July 28, 2015

Great piece and comments!

I had not considered unequal yoking from the point of view of coupling up as a woman. A woman coupling up VS a woman coupling down is an interesting thought. I agree that, with time, a 10 woman will get downgraded to the 5 man, instead of the man upgrading to her. I had not stopped to consider that it is possible to meet a man whose faith walk is more mature than mine….hm….hard to imagine being with THAT level of a KING! (be still my heart).

To answer your question. My man MUST match or exceed my maturity level. No ifs or buts about it. I am ready to remain happily single for the rest of my days than spend them negotiating and navigating life around a level 5 man. It’s hard enough managing friendships with non-Christians/straddlers/lukewarm Christians, why would I desire to bring those battles to an intimate level?

PS…Devon’s wife doesn’t seem to be upgrading to his level. Grow her Lord!

Diane Robertson July 28, 2015

Here, Here!
Together with Yvonne, I concur on the comment; “My man MUST match or exceed my maturity level. No ifs or buts about it. I am ready to remain happily single for the rest of my days than spend them negotiating and navigating life around a level 5 man. It’s hard enough managing friendships with non-Christians/straddlers/lukewarm Christians, why would I desire to bring those battles to an intimate level?”

That’s everything-the whole deal-right there! Wise words indeed!

As for Devon, and his wife-I’ll keep her in prayer. In my humble estimation, she may be battling that struggle between remaining marketable/saleable as an actress, and true to her inner-self…But what do I know. Omnipresent God she’s on You! 🙂 ha!
Diane Robertson recently posted…The Application ProcessMy Profile

Yvonne Chase July 28, 2015

@Mmabatho,

This comment made my heart sing. Every word of it resonates with me especially this: “My man MUST match or exceed my maturity level. No ifs ands or buts about it. I am ready to remain happily single for the rest of my days than spend them negotiating and navigating life around a level 5 man. It’s hard enough managing friendships with non-Christians/straddlers/lukewarm Christians, why would I desire to bring those battles to an intimate level?” Amen to all of that!

P.S. I think I’ve said enough about Devon’s wife in the linked post. You know, someone asked him about her attire recently and his foolish response was, he’s not the boss of her. She can wear whatever she wants.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…There Are Levels To Choosing The Right MateMy Profile

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