Do Relationships Work Better When He’s The Breadwinner?

by Yvonne Chase on December 2, 2013

relationships Know Her Place
Last night on The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the saga continued between Kandi, her fiance Todd and Kandi’s mother Momma Joyce.  After watching it all unfold, I would not marry Kandi if I was Todd.  For the rest of his days if he marries Kandi, he will have to prove to her and her mother day in and day out that he’s not some opportunist after her money.  No thanks! Momma Joyce has too much say in their relationship and its Kandi’s fault.  Her mother ought to know where to draw the line.  She ought to know which lines she can’t cross.  She ought to know her place.

relationships

Wrong Answer Kandi
Kandi also needs to make her relationships about her and not her money.  All I know about Kandi is that she produces/writes music, runs several businesses, makes a lot of money doing it and bought her house in cash; the house she and Todd live in together.  Its her house, he lives there with her and he pays the bill.  Not a good set up at all.  No one, especially her mother, should know who owns that house.  Because Momma Joyce knows that huge piece of information, she uses it as ammunition against Todd.  Kandi and Todd discussed this over dinner and he said, “If I become a millionaire next year, I can buy that love” meaning Momma Joyce’s love and  Kandi replied, “She definitely wouldn’t have as much of an issue.”  Wrong answer Kandi!

relationships

Subject To Change
Todd works.  Todd wants to work.  He’s not sitting at home waiting on Kandi to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.  It doesn’t matter how much money Todd makes.  The amount is subject to change in either direction.  What matters is his desire to work and make an honest living.  His ability to work.  His work ethic.  Understanding his role and responsibilities as the man in their relationship.  His desire to walk in that role.  Those are the things that matter.

Everything Is Wrong With That Statement
Momma Joyce thinks Kandi’s money is the only reason a guy would want to be with her.  That’s pretty sad and a huge statement for a mother to make about her daughter.  Think about that for a second…there’s nothing amazing about the woman you raised that would interest a man? Everything is wrong with that statement! What about the kind of woman she is? What about the values you instilled in her? How you raised her? The kind of mother she is to her daughter? Her heart? Her personality? Her character? Somehow I think Kandi believes that and that’s even sadder.

Self Esteem And Insecurity Issues Brewing
Something is not right within Kandi.  She said men  in her financial bracket…millionaires don’t treat women right.  That’s a lie! You attract a man in line with how you feel about you.  Men treat you according to what you exude.  There seems to be some self-esteem and insecurity issues brewing in Kandi that she needs to deal with to get to the root of her man issues.  Once she deals with that, situations like this will be a thing of the past.

Kandi And Her Money
Do relationships work better when he’s the breadwinner? I think they do.  Am I saying they can’t work if she’s the breadwinner? Absolutely not! Being a female breadwinner changes the entire dynamic of a relationship.  If its not handled right, you end up with this kind of sticky situation.  The fact that they’re unmarried and living together in a house she bought is an issue.  In my rule book, you don’t buy a house, car, start a business or make any major purchases/investments unless you’re married.  Its not your house or your money when we marry.  Its our house and our money.  The fact that she insists he sign a prenup is another issue.  Everything falls back on Kandi and her money.  Everything falls back on Kandi protecting herself and her assets and Todd ends up looking like an opportunist.  Not a good way to enter a marriage.  Marriage is not you vs me.  Marriage is us becoming one in all areas including money. 

Something to think about…

What say you? Do relationships work better when he’s the breadwinner? 

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

g December 2, 2013

I think Kandi’s mother is an idiot (idiot is unkind, but she needs help (she actually broke out in song)); she’s holding on to her daughter so tightly based on some unreasonable fears. Unfortunately Kandi is feeding in to it. But if I were Todd I would marry her, because she needs to be able to establish herself as an adult outside of her mother’s tentacles and he is willing to help her do that. The issue has become about money but that’s not the real issue at all. Kandi always wants to please her mother first and then please Todd and that mindset won’t work going in to a marriage.
Based on the show, Kandi does seem to have interesting taste in men, but Todd actually seems like a good match for her – I don’t think she is used to this. She needs to figure out herself so that she can establish realistic boundaries with her mother especially if she is going to get married. I like how Todd asked her, ‘why is she always laughing about this?’
And all things being equal in a marriage, it doesn’t matter who the primary bread winner is.

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2013

G…

I thought Momma Joyce was drunk when she broke out in song. Something about that whole scene seemed contrived. I can see your point about Todd being willing to help her release from her mothers tentacles but I can also see that being very exhausting.

Like he said last night, he’s frustrated! I was glad when he asked her why she laughs about it and I was also glad when he whipped out his phone to call her mother. He wants to face the music with Momma Joyce and that’s a good thing.

If Kandi doesn’t figure out herself and establish realistic boundaries with her mother, she will end up like her mother and the cycle will continue. She has a chance to break the cycle with Todd and teach her daughter a couple of powerful life lessons in the process. Setting up boundaries doesn’t mean I don’t love you and you need to understand that.

And you’re absolutely right, in marriage, it doesn’t matter who the breadwinner is. The sooner Kandi figures that out, the better!

Thanks for a great comment!

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naijawife December 2, 2013

Well…I haven’t been keeping up with this season, but didn’t Kandi say that there was no need to worry about her and Todd as she would never be with a “scrub” – “because hello…I wrote No Scrubs?” LOL1 let me find a way to watch this latest episode online. Something tells me they’re just creating the drama for tv though

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2013

@Naijawife…

She might’ve written “No Scrubs” but according to the streets, all she dates is scrubs. Her ex fiance right before Todd had multiple kids from multiple women and a shady financial forecast which is why Momma Joyce is trippin!

Come back and tell me what you think if you watch it. It does seem contrived because last season, Momma Joyce and Todd were good now all of a sudden she thinks he’s a cheap opportunist.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Marcia December 3, 2013

Hey Yvonne… Can you say a little more about this statement “In my rule book, you don’t buy a house, car, start a business or make any major purchases/investments unless you’re married.” Do you mean singles shouldn’t make major purchases?

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Yvonne Chase December 3, 2013

Marcia,

Singles can and should absolutely make major purchases…solo not with their fiance. Todd is in a sticky situation of sorts because Kandi bought the house they live in as a single woman while they are a couple and with his input. He lives there as if he/they bought it but its very clear that its her house she paid for in cash.

I think couples should start off on a clean slate in something they bought/rent together. Its hard to relinquish the words “my house” especially when its a mansion a la Kandi. Those words are not a part of the conversation when its “our house” that we bought/rent together.

Does that make sense?

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Marcia December 4, 2013

Yeap… Makes perfect sense! Thanks for the response.

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catherine gacad December 4, 2013

statistics prove and i agree that relationships do end up working better when the man is the breadwinner. women tend to spend more time caring for the home and caring for the children, so if the woman does all of that on top of being the breadwinner, then it’s an unfair situation which leads to resentment—both on the part of the husband and the wife.

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Yvonne Chase December 4, 2013

@Catherine, I can definitely see how resentment could set in on both parts. Statistics are right. I believe it takes a special kind of woman to be the breadwinner, take care of home and the children while making her husband feel like the head of household. It takes a special kind of man to be okay with that set up. Many men are not okay with that because it goes against the grain of their make up and their divine role.

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