Sex Once A Week – Is That Enough For Married Couples?

by Yvonne Chase on November 22, 2013

weekKeep A “Yes” In Your Spirit
Last night on The Preachers Of LA, Dominique got together with her first lady friends to catch up on life.  During their time she asked, “How do you keep your love lives thriving?” Myesha, referring to sex answered frequency…as often as possible.”  LaVette chimed in with, “In different places” then Christy Haizlip said, “Unless its unreasonable, always say yes.” The general consensus from the ladies was,  “Keep a yes in your spirit!”

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Once A Week?
On Sundays episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Cynthia had a similar conversation with her husband Peter.  She asked him, “How many days a week do you think is good?” She answered her own question with, “I think once a week is great.” Peter wasn’t feeling that and neither was I! Once a week?  There are seven whole days in one week.  You’re only going to have sex once?

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Gods Wedding Gift
I’ve been taking a Bible study at church called Gods Plan For Marriage and we’ve been working through a book titled Enhancing Your Marriage.  We spent an entire session discussing Chapter 8: Our Sexuality – Gods Wedding Gift.  Below are a few key points from that chapter:

  • Sex brings more to the marriage than pleasure.  It brings strength, protection, healing and comfort.  It was intended to bless a husband and wife…often.
  • God gives husbands and wives the gift of sex as the ultimate act that binds their souls in oneness.
  • God created the marriage relationship for great sex to be enjoyed with selfless abandon not parceled out selfishly.
  • The husbands number one need from his wife is sexual fulfillment.  He draws from his wife’s well who is like fresh running water to him, always pure, refreshing, revitalizing and thirst quenching.

I believe 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 has something to say about frequency:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV)

Sex Is Not An Obligation Or A Transaction
Those verses are not a license to bully or coerce each other into sex.  Sex should never be seen as an obligation or a transaction.  I believe a husband and wife should want to have sex as often as humanly possible.  Here’s how the chapter explains those verses, “Sexual intimacy and pleasure were never intended by God to be exclusively a man’s world.  These verses level the playing field by establishing three principles of sexual intimacy that apply to both spouses:

The Principle of Need: Husbands and wives need each other sexually but often at different times and frequencies and for different reasons.  Our needs and desires are driven mainly by hormones but are also influenced by such factors as health, energy levels, stress, unresolved marital issues, boredom, performance anxiety and how we feel about ourselves, sex and our spouse.

The Principle of Authority: Having authority over each others bodies calls us to selflessly share them, even when we don’t feel like it.  He wants us to satisfy and to be satisfied, to willingly give and to willingly receive.

The Principle of Habit: God calls us to habitually participate in the deepest level of intimacy a husband and wife can share.  We interrupt it only when we agree to enter into the deepest level of intimacy with Him.  Afterward, our mate’s sexual welfare becomes a top priority again.

Not Having Sex Is Not An Option
So how much sex is enough? If you ask me three days a week is minimum and here’s how I break it down…you definitely want to start the week on a high note, end it on a better note and kick it up a notch sometime around Hump Day…pun intendedhttp://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/smiley-face.jpgSince not having sex is not an option, figure out what works best for you and your spouse and like Nike says, “Just do it!

Something to think about…

What say you? How often should a married couple have sex?

Here are 2 things I’d like you to do now:

1.  Leave a comment below

2.  Share this post if you like it

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Brittnei November 23, 2013

Sigh…reality shows lol. How often? When? Where? This is all up to and between married people. I also don’t think it is ever ok to discuss that with friends or people outside of your marriage, unless of course there was some sort of mediation going on to counsel or help the couple; that’s a totally different story. Also for contentment purposes, I think the two should definitely keep it in between them because you don’t want to covet another marriage or compare. With that said, this cannot be answered with just one straight answer. Marriage is a life long journey. There are different times in a marriage that will change the amount of times a week or month that a couple is able to be intimate sexually. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t other opportunities for intimacy apart from actual intercourse. An easy example of this is kids. When your children are younger, you may find it difficult to have the same amount of time to be intimate, etc. But I think with two Godly people who love each other, you just adapt. You make time and you respect the other person when he or she is tired, etc. All great points mentioned in the post about the importance of sex in a marriage. 🙂

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

Brittnei,

We discussed this in great detail in class without going into the details of anyone’s sex life because like you said and we all agree, sex is a topic that should remain private between husband and wife. No one needs to know the details of your sex life except you and your husband.

We also discussed kids, work schedules, family obligations etc and not allowing those things to get in the way of connecting with your spouse sexually. We talked a lot about making sex a priority and perhaps putting some of those things on the back burner. We talked about how easy it is to let life interfere with sexual connection then you wake up one day and all of a sudden realize you haven’t had sex in months.

The sole purpose of this post is to discuss the importance of sex in marriage; to share Gods plan for sex and the importance of making time for it. I believe it breaks Gods heart when married couples aren’t engaging in an active sex life. The devil has won when that happens.

You’re right, there is no one straight answer to this question. Couples have to do what works for them. Life changes. It ebbs. It flows. It has its ups and downs. Some days are busier than others etc. With that said, I still don’t understand once a week especially with two able bodied people. Once a week just doesn’t seem like enough to me. Sure you may have it once a week every now and then but that can’t be the standard.

One more thing before I go, don’t you think its great that reality TV opens the door for these types of discussions? So much of reality TV is bad yet we can pull life lessons from it and use it to share the truth of Gods word. That’s a blessing!

Thanks for a great comment!

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Tiffany November 23, 2013

I think it’s good that people can be real about their sex lives. I do agree that too much information about what’s going on in the bedroom could lead to jealousy.
There are so many different stages that couples go through, birth of kids, older kids, different stresses of life. This can alter the frequency of sex for them. It’s funny also because as we get older, I think the roles kinda reverse, women start to want it more. Then a few more years down the road, it flipflops again.

Once a week, it depends on the stage a couple may be in.

Sorry, can’t weigh in on the reality shows, don’t watch them.

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

@Tiffany,

Even with and in spite of all the stages couples go through, sex needs to take priority. That was one of the main points/takeaways from our class discussion. It has to be a priority. God wants it to be a priority in your marriage.

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Allie November 23, 2013

I’m visiting through #SITSsharefest and I have to admit I was intrigued by the title. My husband and I often discuss what is “enough” and it varies from week to week. With all that life gives us – kids, work, fitness, etc. I’m usually exhausted by bedtime. I like the idea of keeping “yes in your spirit!” I’ll remember that next time I’m too tired. Great post – really has me thinking!

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

Hey there Allie,

One of the things we talked about in great detail was the obstacle of children and the importance of letting them know how important Mommy and Daddy time is. Putting them to bed and letting them know that its time for Mommy and Daddy to connect and be together. It sets a great example for them to take into their future marriages…if they marry.

Some of the questions we discussed were, are you permitting your children to hinder your sex life? What effect is this having on your sexual intimacy? What is your husband’s opinion on the topic? Consider the things that demand your time; are you truly called to them or are you doing them for the wrong reasons?

I wish all of you could’ve been a part of this chapter discussion. It was soooo good! Glad I got you thinking. I’ve accomplished my goal:-)

Thanks for stopping by!

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Jen November 23, 2013

I love sex. My husband loves sex. We both love sex. We also both, however, love sleep. I hate to be that woman who comes out and shares the stuff we’re not supposed to share, but I’m going to admit we don’t have sex as much as we’d like.

We’ve got two kids, one of them 15 months (6AM wake up calls on the weekends), the other 7 years old (learning what sex means – gah!). I work two jobs, one for 12 hours Monday through Friday and the other at night until about 11PM. He works and goes to school at night. We’re at a point in our lives where our need to sleep carries through the opportunities to physically bond. Heck I barely get to bond with my shower each day. It’s a busy, trying point of my life.

But you know, you’re right. My excuses, while valid and understandable, are still just that…..excuses. I may not be able to have sex once a week, or twice a week, but we do need to make it a priority. I love the scripture you quoted and think it is so important to face the things you struggle with – including those things that make you a little uncomfortable.

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

Jen,

Thanks for sharing. What you said here is the message of this post: “My excuses, while valid and understandable, are still just that…..excuses. I may not be able to have sex once a week, or twice a week, but we do need to make it a priority.”

Your excuses are valid and quite understandable however, that’s how the sneaky devil worms his way into your marital bed and then all of a sudden you and your husband don’t have an active sex life. You’ve allowed great sounding excuses to get in the way. Thank you for saying that.

God wants sex to be a priority in your marriage. Pray about your schedule and ask God to help you prioritize it so that you and your husband can get back to the most important part of your marriage.

I really appreciate your comment. Thanks for stopping by!

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Kelly Stilwell November 23, 2013

I heard Beth Moore speak on this once, and she agrees. I believe she said something like, When your husband needs it, even if you don’t feel like it, put something sexy on and try to get into the mood!

It does help if you just aren’t feeling up to it with all the demands on moms these days.

Thanks for your willingness to talk about it. I think a lot of women need to hear it.

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

Kelly,

I’m willing to talk about any and everything under the sun. Sex should not be a taboo topic. Its a gift from God to be enjoyed often between husband and wife.

I agree with Beth Moore 100%.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Laurie November 23, 2013

I’ve been married 33 years. Sex? Not as big of a deal these days. There is an ebb and flow…it changes with each new phase. And then there’s menopause. The yes spirit is good, but so is the I understand spirit on the hubs part. It’s a partnership after all.

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Vicki M Taylor November 23, 2013

I’m 52 years old and have been sick most of my adult years. I’ve had my days of sex. I don’t miss it. I have an intimacy with my husband that runs deeper than sex. I love Brinnai’s answer. Marriage and sex is not something that should be compared or discussed in this way. My husband treats me like a princess and I treat him like a king. We love each other deeper than I thought I ever could. God smiles down upon our marriage. I’ll leave it at that. Have a blessed day. Followed you from SITSFest.

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

@Vicki,

My heart goes out to you. So sorry you’ve been sick most of your adult life. My brother came to mind reading your comment. He was sick most of his adult life and that sickness sorely affected his marriage and their sex life. He’s now in Heaven and I’m sure he’s smiling down at this post and the conversation its generating.

Thank God for the intimacy you and your spouse share. Intimacy is a beautiful thing. You’re blessed to have a husband who treats you like a king even though you’ve been sick most of your adult life and sex. God is definitely smiling down on your marriage.

I hope this post didn’t make you feel bad. I’m so sorry if it did. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a great comment. May God continue to bless you and your husband and may his healing touch flow over your body.

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Cassi November 23, 2013

Weekly is more than we have! My libido is just not there. Since I tore almost all the way giving birth to my son 12 years ago sex is just something that doesn’t interest me very often.

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KG November 23, 2013

I would love for it to be three times a week but in reality, sometimes it doesn’t happen not because we don’t want to connect but sometimes we can’t. He works a schedule different than my own so when I’m up, he’s sleeping and when he’s up, i’m sleeping and you just can’t put a number on these things because then it’ll seem forced and scheduled and that’s a turn off for me. Like, “How many times was that this week? Two, ok we need one more.” That’s super corny to me..Sorry!

I do believe that the number of times for sex is up to the couple and their lifestyle and should not have a “set” number.

Keep it Touched,
KG
http://www.kgstyleinc.com

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

@KG…of course you can’t put a number on it…hence the smiley face. My point with that was if a couple were going to shoot for 3x/week, that would be a good way to space it out.

You mentioned scheduling…I read a piece somewhere on the net written by a pastor where he encouraged couples to schedule sex because having sex is just that important. He’d rather a couple schedule sex than not have sex at all. Many able bodied couples aren’t having sex because of schedules, work, kids etc. As one commenter mentioned, “My excuses, while valid and understandable, are still just that…..excuses. We need to make having sex a priority.”

At the end of the day, whether its scheduled or not, sex needs to happen often between a husband and wife. You and your hubby have the key ingredient, you want to connect. That’s great! People who want to do something usually find a way to make it happen.

Thanks for stopping by.

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naijawife November 23, 2013

Sigh…it’s easier said than done though

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

@naijawife…

Aren’t a lot of things easier said than done until we make up our minds to do it? Curious…

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Mama Alvina November 23, 2013

My husband and I have 7 children together and we still always find time for intimacy. I’ve heard people say that with small children how do you find the time to be intimate. You have to be creative and go for what you want. 😉 Sometimes you are just very tired and not in the mood though, but for us we are more interested than not.

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Yvonne Chase November 23, 2013

I love that Mama Alvina. I’m sure everyone would understand you and your hubby not having an active sex life because of your 7 kids and all that comes with it but you made a great point; you have to find time for intimacy and go for what you want. Good for you!

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Nicole (nicoletteromero) January 21, 2014

Sometimes God just makes your whole day! I am so thrilled SITS matched us up in a tribe this week. Amazing!

This is a truly helpful and well-crafted post.

I especially love this:
The Principle of Habit: God calls us to habitually participate in the deepest level of intimacy a husband and wife can share. We interrupt it only when we agree to enter into the deepest level of intimacy with Him. Afterward, our mate’s sexual welfare becomes a top priority again.

I am looking forward to getting to know you and your work even more!

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Yvonne Chase January 22, 2014

Nicole,

I don’t know why any married couple wouldn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis. Once a week sounds strange! Gods plan sounds perfect to me. Regular relations unless we’re fasting and praying.

I am thrilled to be a part of the same tribe. Definitely look forward to learning more about you. Thanks for stopping by!

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