Is Sexual Incompatibility A Myth?

by Yvonne Chase on August 26, 2013

WOW! What A Concept!
Last week I was having an in-depth discussion with a male colleague about celibacy.  He shared his journey and I shared mine then he asked if my journey was until marriage and I said yes.  When I returned the question, he said he’d honestly never thought about it then said, “WOW! What a concept! Hmmm!” Now he has something to think about.  Let me just throw this in, he’s Christian, I’m  Christian and the content of this post is connected to our belief in what the Bible says about sex and when it should happen.  The seventh of the Ten Commandments tells us to wait.

No Different Than Any Other
Back to our conversation…he then asked, what if you wait until marriage and its wack? My reply was, that’s not even a concern of mine…it’s not a fear at all.  I joked and said, God wouldn’t do that to me.  When I think about waiting until marriage, I envision a beautiful experience – a beautiful moment of first-time discovery…something to look forward to.  To me, there’s something so precious and special about waiting until marriage.  That’s the beauty of the wedding night.  If you’ve done it already with your spouse, that night/day is no different than any other.

incompatibility

How Did We Make It To “I Do?”
Here’s what throws me, I don’t understand how two people can connect mentally, spiritually, emotionally and in every other way yet not physically.  Do you? If we’re courting, obviously there is a connection.  How does that connection all of a sudden disappear on our wedding night? If there is no connection, how and why did we make it to, “I do?”

I Just Held Out
After having this discussion with him, I read about Tia Mowry who waited one year before ever kissing her now husband while courting.  Here is what she said, “I think the one thing I did do was I just held out.  We weren’t physical, we didn’t do anything for a while to make sure this was something special and this was something real. That’s what we did.”

Better And Better
Her sister Tamera waited until her wedding night to consummate her union with her hubby Adam Housley and she’s been very vocal about how happy she is with her sex life.  I believe sex is something that can get better and better if both people are willing to make it so.  Like I said if you are compatible in all of the other areas up until your wedding night, why and how could you be so sexually incompatible that you don’t even want to work on it?

Sexual Incompatibility Is A Myth
Furthermore, just because you don’t have sex until you say, “I do,” doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it.  Mature adults talk about EVERYTHING! Also, if we look at Gods design for marriage, sex is not about you getting yours and me getting mine; its about pleasing each other, therefore, if we show up to the marital bed with the desire to please each other and we make a decision to continually work on our sex life, how can we not be pleased? How can we be incompatible? Barring physical limitations, I think sexual incompatibility is a myth.

Something to think about…

What say you…Is it possible to connect with someone spiritually, emotionally and mentally yet not physically? If yes, wouldn’t you realize that before you say “I do” and end the relationship? What are your thoughts on waiting until marriage? Is sexual incompatibility a myth?

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Miss BB August 27, 2013

I think it is possible to connect, wait & experience something beautiful. It’s not the route I took but I can see the value in waiting. I also stumbled across the Tia article and my initial reaction was a bit put off. It’s something I wanted to address on my blog. As for sexually incompatibility I think because it’s something many of us have experienced we think of it as a very real thing. After reading this though maybe the issue is that there wasn’t a real connection to begin with.

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Yvonne Chase August 27, 2013

I think sexual incompatibility is an easy way out. Its a reason to not fix what’s no longer working in your sexual relationship. Everything in marriage changes over time including sex. Doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. Just means both people have to be willing to explore what changed and fix it. Food for thought…

What were you put off by in the Tia article?

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Miss BB August 28, 2013

I guess the best way to put it is I sometimes feel like people who wait can come across “better than.” I think we should encourage people to do what they want. Wait. Don’t wait. We shouldn’t be made to feel bad for whatever we choose to do.

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Yvonne Chase August 28, 2013

Here’s what I say to that in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

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catherine gacad August 28, 2013

congruently, i’ve been very sexually compatible with a guy who was so very wrong for me. not only was he wrong for me, he treated me like crap, but i kept reconnecting with him because we were so sexually compatible. it was a bad cycle. i’m a proponent of waiting until you find someone who totally completely loves you.

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Yvonne Chase August 29, 2013

@Catherine, and that’s the power of sex. It ties our soul to people who treat us like crap. Another reason God wants us to wait. To save us from all of that pain.

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Karen August 31, 2013

If you connect spiritually, mentally and emotionally and communication is open the physical will come when you are married. It may take some practice because you are new at it and that is when the communication is important.
Happy Sharefest.

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Yvonne Chase August 31, 2013

@Karen…I believe sexual and physical attraction has to be there before you marry. Saw this last night while doing some reading, “If the thought of seeing your intended naked makes you want to vomit, don’t marry him or her.” I agree with that wholeheartedly!

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Mera Featherstory August 31, 2013

I agree that sexual incompatibility is a myth. Sexual relationships flourish within the context of trust, acceptance and communication. If the two don’t want to truly trust, accept and communicate with each other…then sexual incompatibility sounds like a great diagnosis, but it is really an unwillingness to be vulnerable, brave and work on a mutually beneficial intimacy that holds couples back. Some people are inclined to dominate, while others are inclined to submit and some are very sensitive to the pleasures of the other person, but that is merely luck…not a sustainable sexual relationship…that is why people can stick with someone who makes them feel well sexually but doesn’t do the same in the other capacities of their being. I teach sacred sexuality and I think it is a choice that people should make for their own reasons, rather to wait, when to have sex, who to have it with and what it means to them…but I feel that as long as the two are open, accepting, trusting and communicative, they will be able to have a mutually pleasing sexual relationship.

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Yvonne Chase August 31, 2013

@Mera…its a total unwillingness to be vulnerable, brave and work on a mutually beneficial intimacy. You co-signed Cathy’s point of being with someone who satisfied her sexually and nothing else. Sex is very powerful. When God created sex, he created it to be enjoyed within the safety of marriage between one man and one woman for the purpose of a one flesh union. Because he is a loving and just God, he states his standards and consequences then gives us free will.

Thanks for a great comment.

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Alison Hector August 31, 2013

I guess I’ve never really understood what sexual incompatibility means. Still don’t. As you said, if the other aspects of the relationship are on point and you are both attracted to each other physically and sexually… what’s with the incompatibility?

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Yvonne Chase August 31, 2013

@Alison…I don’t understand it either and that’s why I call it a myth. I believe its a diagnosis that sounds good to two people unwilling to fix what’s broken. Its like a woman saying she’s too successful or too beautiful to find a date. That’s a lie that sounds good to someone unwilling to look within. Does that help?

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Shah Ross October 24, 2013

The idea of sexual incompatibility being a myth, is a myth. There are millions of people who crave aspects of sex, that the other millions of people find unappealing, or downright disgusting. Despite many of the sentiments being stated here, marriage is not the magical cure-all for these incompatibilities.

Further, I think it’s quite dangerous to people’s emotional (and possibly even mental) well being to suggest such ideas.

It’s no different than suggesting that a couple who is financially incompatible (one is frugal/thrifty/cheap, the other is a mindless shop-aholic) can fix their issues with marriage.

When determining compatibility, be it sexual, financial, personality, etc, marriage should be the furthest thing from either person’s mind. Otherwise, the next thing on that couple’s mind,will be divorce.

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Yvonne Chase October 24, 2013

Shah,

I believe a re-read of the post is in order…

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x1134x December 2, 2015

Its because you don’t understand what sexual incompatibility is, Yvonne. You say “Its a reason to not fix what’s no longer working”, showing you think that it at sometime WORKED. My wife and I are sexually incompatible. I.e. what turns her ON, turns me OFF and vise-versa. Sex doesn’t work. The parts do not fit together because they aren’t both aroused at the same time, for one to be aroused, the other must be completely turned off, and vise-versa. That’s sexual incompatibility. Its not a “physical issue”, we both can and have had sex with other partners with no problems. Its just we TWO cannot have sex. Its non-functional every time we try.

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