Should We Be Making Out?

by Yvonne Chase on December 17, 2013

Headed To The Altar
Over the weekend while relaxing at the beach, I pulled out one of my many relationship books.  The reader in me always has a couple of books in my bag.  This one was written by a Christian author and his wife for engaged Christian couples headed to the altar.  As I was flipping through it, my eyes landed on something and I had the same reaction as I did the first time around. 


Spend Time Together
In this particular chapter, the authors talk about the importance of spending significant time together during the engagement phase. They say, “Time together revolves around two important issues: doing things together and making the relationship a priority.”  According to them, sharing common interests, meals, coffee shop talks, long walks on the beach, traveling to beautiful places, calling each other nightly to say goodnight and making out are all ways couples can spend significant time together.

What Do They Mean By Making Out?
All of that sounds great to me, however, when I got to “making out,” my eyes bugged out and I raised my eyebrows the same way I did the first time around.  I wondered, what do they mean by making out? Do they mean what I think they mean? An email address was provided in the back of the book so I sent a message with the following questions:

  • ·        Should Christians be making out?
  • ·        How does that work exactly?
  • ·        Perhaps your definition of making out is different than mine?

Deep Passionate Kissing
They replied; “I would say we meant kissing but nothing else.”  After reading that reply, I wondered if we should even be kissing.  I’m sure they mean more than a dry peck on the cheek.  I don’t know about you but when I think about making out, I think about deep, passionate kissing followed by hands going in places they don’t belong and eventual sex that you weren’t planning on having but it happened because you were making out.  Been there done that.

Skin-To-Skin Contact
According to Wikipedia, “Making out is an expression of affection or sexual attraction.  It typically refers to kissing, including prolonged, passionate, open-mouth kissing (also known as French kissing), and intimate skin-to-skin contact. The term can also refer to other forms of foreplay such as heavy petting, which typically involves some genital stimulation, but usually not the direct act of penetrative sexual intercourse.”  Watch this funny video…

Deep Regret
Later on in the chapter, they talk about premarital sex and say, “Many couples expressed deep regret over the compromises they made physically and sexually in their engagement relationship.  If you want a great engagement, set appropriate physical boundaries, get into accountability groups or same-sex friendships, do more group things and have less time alone at night.”

You, Will, Get Burned
They continue, “A prominent poll conducted by the University of Chicago revealed that adults who report the highest level of satisfaction were those who preserved sexual relations until marriage.”  Here’s my question, how can we preserve sexual relations until marriage if we’re making out? Isn’t that playing with fire?

Something to definitely think about…

What say you? What does the term “making out” mean to you? Should Christians be making out? Should we engage in passionate kissing? Is making out playing with fire?

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1.  Leave your comments below

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Thandiwe May 20, 2013

Christians should preserve themselves and flee from the making out. In whatever sense it means, I watched a sermon by Dr Wander Turner it says no Ringy no Dingy. After marriage then all the walls of sexuality can only be discovered. We should rather learn rather how to avoid the the making outs while getting to know your spouse to be. I like how Tyler Perry potrait it in his movie family reunion. The woman though she already had teo kids, she was firm in telling the guy that she is saved and waiting for marriage, right there it will separate a real man and woman from boys and girls. An furure insecurities will then be avoided as he will know that you did not give it easily.

Yvonne Chase May 21, 2013

Thandiwe,

I agree with you. I don’t believe making out is appropriate for Christians especially if you plan to remain pure and out of the marital bed until marriage. To me, its setting yourself up to fail.

Todd May 20, 2013

You are right on target. I believe the scriptures answer the question about “making out” in a very direct way. Now that does not mean people will read God’s Word and accept it for what it is. The bible clearly teaches believers to NOT make out. The Song of Songs is a love story between the Shulamite woman and Solomon. Jewish children were not allowed to read this book because of the adult content. There are symbols and images in English which we can figure out, but for the Jews there was nothing to figure out from the Hebrew. The meaning was crystal clear to them and it was for adults only. The Shulamite woman warns the daughters of Jerusalem “that you do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases.” She warns them with this same phrase several times. When something is repeated in the Bible, it’s important. When it is repeated several times in the same book, pay attention! It is not appropriate to go through the process of becoming aroused. People, including many believers, do not want to hear this. They would rather fool around, make out, and seek immediate gratification. These are spiritually immature believers. It takes a mature believer to wait for God’s timing. But those who wait, experience the best that God has to offer. Those who are not able to wait, will never know.

Yvonne Chase May 21, 2013

Todd,

I appreciate your comment so much. Everything makes sense when you put the Bible on it and that is what you did with this well written comment.

I don’t believe making out is the best idea at all. It does take a spiritually mature believer to wait for God’s timing.

I love this: “Those who wait, experience the best that God has to offer. Those who are not able to wait, will never know.”

Lavita May 20, 2013

Wow, prior to reading this – and especially Todd’s comments & scripture reference – I never considered that there was much wrong with “making out” other than the risk of going too far. I always believed there was a line beyond which you shouldn’t go or you might as well be doing it, but I see kissing and hugging as part of getting to know him, his feel, his smell, his touch. If a man can’t hold me just right or if kissing him reveals an oral “issue”, that can be a deal breaker for me. Looks like I have a new subject to study.

Yvonne Chase May 21, 2013

Lavita,

The other day I was listening to Christian radio and this topic came up. The guest said, at the end of every ceremony, the officiant says, “And now you may kiss the bride.” He went on to say, it is said that way for a reason; your wedding day should be the first time you kiss your bride.

I’d never heard that in my life yet I love everything about it. Hearing that definitely gave me something to think about.

interested August 8, 2013

what is the title of this book

Yvonne Chase August 13, 2013

@Interested…I’d rather not say. Don’t want to taint their work in any way. Sorry…

Grimgy March 13, 2014

thumbs up for integrity =)

Estrela August 30, 2013

I’m on the no making out team.. you’ll end in a place were you wish you’d never gone…

Grimgy March 13, 2014

Although it is true that if you play with fire you’ll get burned, I think the whole analogy is being taken to far. If there is no “fire” in your relationship, both individuals will become cold to each other. One might say that hand holding can lead to hugging which will lead to kissing which will lead to making out which will lead to sex, but I hope you can see the slippery slope fallacy being used here. Any relationship has some form of passionate contact. The problem is not so much with “making out” but with a lack of discipline. If you know you lack the self control to kiss at all without immediately starting to “make out” and so tempt yourself further, then don’t. It is, however, quite a stretch to try and make a hard fast rule that it will all lead you straight to the bedroom. Personally I do not “make out” with my girlfriend, but we kiss often. We have set rules and boundaries and discuss those boundaries frequently. Ultimately the decision needs to be discussed by the individuals involved who must be mature enough to know their own limitations and weaknesses.

josh December 11, 2015

Same thing. I believe it’s all in the boundaries that you set between the two of you. If your focus is God and God alone, it is seriously possible to NOT HAVE lust while kissing or making out.

Yvonne Chase March 15, 2014

This is my point: “If you know you lack the self control to kiss at all without immediately starting to “make out” and so tempt yourself further, then don’t.”

Edith Ohaja March 2, 2017

Wow! My students need to read this. Shared on Twitter and my Fb page, Aunty Edith. If you’re on Fb, can you tag me when you post your stuff? Kudos!
Edith Ohaja recently posted…LINKUP PAGEMy Profile

Yvonne Chase March 2, 2017

@Edith,

Thanks for sharing. God bless you!
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Life Does Not End When A Relationship EndsMy Profile

Chike Chiemela Elizabeth March 2, 2017

Anything that’d lead to premarital sex, flee from it. The Bible says flee every sight of sin. Flee fornication!
If a peck would lead you to premarital sex, flee from it.
However, Christians should not make out! It’s a sin against the body, spirit and soul.

Yvonne Chase March 2, 2017

@Chike,

You said it right. If a peck leads to premarital sex, flee from it. Sinning against the body, spirit and soul is serious.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Life Does Not End When A Relationship EndsMy Profile

K September 26, 2018

I don’t think Scripture condems or condones making out (which I’m defining here similar to how you did, kissing with tongue, and usually with wandering hands) prior to marriage.
Until recently, I opposed such kissing before marriage because it almost always arouses sexual desire. However, I have reconsidered for two reasons:
1) the principle in Scripture is that all things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. The thing to consider is whether making out is helpful in the relationship or not. For many or most, it might prove too tempting, or focus too much on the physical. However, one or both parties might need deep physical expression, might have insecurities. And in that case, passionate kissing might help them overcome that. Even apart from that, as the pair becomes more intimate and close as a couple, making out could help build that relationship further. The couple should gauge whether or not such kissing is appropriate at their relationship stage. What is the purpose? To draw each other closer and build compatibility? Is each physical development – first kiss, first caress, etc. – in the relationship significant and meaningful? Or is it a distraction from other elements – spiritual, intellectual, etc.? Is it a response out of boredom or failure to communicate, or is it part of larger quality time and just one facet of their communication?

2) I also believe that it is okay for a couple to sexually desire each other before marriage. I’d say that in most cases, it’s a problem if that desire ISN’T there. Lust is disordered affection. If the desire is for sex in a biblically permitted covenant relationship, that’s not disordered at all. A presence of sexual desire isn’t in itself wrong if you are looking to marriage. If the thrill of a physical action, whether a hug, tender kiss, nibble at the neck, caress of her breast, open mouth passionate kiss, whatever, or even just looking at one’s SO and admiring their beauty, is controlled and channeled so as to anticipate sex once married, I don’t see a Biblical principle against it. Song of Solomon opens with the not-yet bride sexually desiring her future husband. But that desire is not consummated until married. There are clear boundaries in Scripture – sex is for marriage (and this would include sex acts as well as intercourse), and I think that there’s a clear principle of total nudity being reserved for marriage as well. Outside of that, it’s an issue of conscience. The couple needs to discuss their boundaries and expectations. And they should communicate their feelings in the moment. Sometimes, even a hug is too much, whereas other times they might share an extended tongue kiss without it getting uncontrollable. It comes down to communication and the appropriate level of expression for that stage of the relationship

Yvonne Chase September 27, 2018

@K (Kenneth),

I agree with you 100% on point number 2. It is okay for a couple to sexually desire each other before marriage; it’s a must in my book. They will need that sexual desire within marriage. To take it one step further, I don’t know how you can marry someone without sexual desire. There’s no romance and intimacy without sexual desire.

If it’s okay with you, I am going to turn point number 1 into a blog post.

Thanks for leaving a really great and well thought out comment. I appreciate you.
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Broken Children Living in Adult Bodies Create Broken RelationshipsMy Profile

Kenneth September 27, 2018

Wow, yeah, that’s fine if you want to write a post from that. I’m flattered, thanks!

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