Ladies, It’s Okay To Take The Initiative Sometime

by Yvonne Chase on May 21, 2015

Are You Showing Yourself Friendly?
Yesterday I went to catch up with my pastor about an issue he’s been helping me work through.  We talked about it for a minute and  then segued into talking about my involvement at church.  He asked if I had any friends at the church and I said no.  It’s a big church and I’ve only been back a couple of months.  He then said, “Are you showing yourself friendly?” And, of course, we both laughed because he knows I’m a very friendly woman.  

A Man That Has Friends Must Show Himself Friendly
Tonight while watching the crazy play out between Sean and Davina on Married At First Sight, Proverbs 18:24 came to mind which says, “A man that has friends must shew himself friendly.”  They are the only couple out of the three that have not consummated their marriage.  She’s waiting for him to make a move and he’s waiting on inspiration from her to make the move.  She’s had many opportunities to get the flame going.  When he comes in from work, she could greet him with a warm hug and a juicy kiss.  Instead, she asks him hows it going from across the room.  

initiative
I’m Going To Bed
They were sitting in bed one night talking and looking at their wedding album. Perfect time to drape her leg across his or lovingly play with his ear or run her fingers through his silver hair.  There was no closeness between them.  It was just two people sitting in bed looking at a wedding album. When talking was over and he was done looking at the album then realized nothing sexual, romantic or intimate was going down, he pulled the covers up and frustratingly said, “I’m going to bed.”  She got upset, got out of the bed with her phone and went in the other room to watch TV.  

Lovingly Affectionate To Each Other
She said, “How would you feel if you were in bed with a guy and he didn’t even try to touch you?” How does she think Sean feels? Like, this is not all about her! I was sitting in church on Sunday next to a young couple who were lovingly affectionate to each other.  At different times during service, the young lady would rest her hand on her beau’s leg. He’d then reach out and hold her hand and they’d lovingly glance at each other.  I could feel the affection oozing between them.  It was very sweet.  

Reignite The Passion In Your Relationship
While writing this post, an article crossed my path that talked about 4 simple ways to reignite the passion in your relationship. One of those simple ways is touch and make eye contact.  Psychologist Alexandra H. Soloman says, “When couples hold hands, turn toward each other and make eye contact, it’s very difficult to feel disengaged. It just kind of kicks off this whole… physiological process, reminding us who the other person is.  It can kind of get the juices flowing and get couples started on the road to reconnection.”  I believe looking at the wedding album could’ve gone in a totally different direction if Sean and Davina held hands, turned towards each other and made eye contact. 

It’s Okay To Take The Initiative
Listen, if you want romance, you might want to show yourself romantic.  If you want romance, you might want to create a space for romance to flourish.  Jessica and Ryan D consummated their marriage, however, the fighting between them doused the flame.  The spark died and nothing was happening.  After their session with Dr. Levkoff, Jessica took the lead.  Instead of waiting on Ryan to start the fire, she created a very romantic sushi scavenger hunt that ended with an intimate massage. I can bet they had relations that night.  Jessica says, “I realize, it’s okay to take the initiative.  I’m gonna take the initiative.”  High five Jessica.  Davina needs to follow her lead and so do you if you’re not getting what you want and need in your relationship.  

One has to take the initiative in life to achieve what he or she wants.  Donald Johanson

Something to think about… 

What say you? Do you have a problem taking initiative? When is it okay for a woman to take the initiative in her relationship? Why are some women afraid to take initiative?

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Diane Robertson May 21, 2015

You make some very good points here. However, if you’d permit me to get a little specific surrounding the particular program, and episode of #MAFS. I think that there is a larger issue than Davina being unwilling to show initiative. In my estimation, Davina is blocked as a result of her past, and her interactions (or none thereof) with “The First Man In Her Life” – her Dad. Her level of mistrust with men is remarkably men stemming from this, thus proudly guarding herself at all cost, and challenging Sean to prove his interest…his commitment. Granted, I also think that this may serve to hinder her rather than help her. However, I get it (I can relate for somewhat different reasons) and I believe that it

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Yvonne Chase May 21, 2015

@Diane,

You have my permission and I echo your sentiments. I believe this issue with her Dad carries over into how she thinks of herself and the choices she makes in men, for example, she likes only dates white men. That is a huge red flag for me.

Not sure why the experts accepted her as a candidate on this show. It seems to me she needs a lot of individual help before she’s ready for a relationship much less marriage.

If Sean stays married to her, he will constantly have to twist himself into a pretzel to make her feel worthy while proving his commitment and interest. He deserves better. This is one time I want a couple to divorce. They won’t be happy as man and wife.
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Diane Robertson May 21, 2015

Oh Snap! I inadvertently submitted too soon. :0)

Just wanted to add that I believe that Davina will have to address the issue at the root. While practicing, with baby steps, to demonstrate her affection. With all that said, I also hold Sean accountable for his lack of confidence, insecurities etc. In my opinion, consistent open communication will be very helpful toward walking these two through to a healthy relationship, if they are both “In It To Win It.”

Thanks for hearing me out. I’m rather caught by this show. Lol! :0) — Continue doing the work that you are doing.

All the very best!
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Yvonne Chase May 21, 2015

@Diane,

I don’t see Sean lacking confidence. What I see is an exhausted man who was matched with the wrong person. They should’ve never been matched from the gate. He’s not into her. He’s not into NYC. He’s not into paying an exorbitant amount of money to live in a tiny apartment. He doesn’t need NYC to define him. Davina does which is why she won’t move.

Again, they need to divorce at the end of this experiment and he needs to go back to his lovely home in NJ and find a woman who knows herself and likes herself apart from any material thing. There’s a reason Davina buys $83 towels. I feel sad for her…

I hope they don’t consummate their marriage. That would be the worst thing ever. The last thing either of them needs is a soul tie…
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Anon May 21, 2015

Somehow i got sucked in to watching this show…now the hubs and i watch together and it provides great talking points (i.e. couples therapy).

anyhow – i think jessica and ryan are poorly matched; neither of them are ready for what it takes and the speed of this experiment does not allow for growth.

sean and davina – they both have baggage that neither can help the other with; they too are poorly matched. he has issues that stem from bullying and she has issues that stem from abandonment. He always feel bullied and she always feel abandoned..if this is to work one of them has to break this cycle and i think it should be sean; he could try a bit harder instead of going back in to his shell. i’m sure if he trys harder she won’t seem so demanding and may back down because she’s finally getting some much needed attention. i do like the way they banter and play with each other though…there’s clear chemistry and like but both are afraid to take the next step.

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Yvonne Chase May 21, 2015

@Anon…

This show sucks you for sure…I think it’s a great show for married couples to watch. Like you said, free Couples Therapy:-)

Funny, I don’t think they are poorly matched. I actually think they are perfectly matched. She needs help expressing herself. He has no problem expressing himself. They both need to get to the bottom of why. I think they can actually work if they sit with a therapist to find out why he spazzes and why she shuts down.

I don’t like the way Sean and Davina play with each other. They’re like two kids in the school yard. I don’t even see or sense any sort of attraction between them anymore. Sean is over it. He was forced to move out of NJ into the city and he’s been forced to do everything to accommodate Davina while she does nothing. Selfish people wear me out which is why I’m not a fan of Davina.
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Mmabatho J. Seete (@MmabathoSisJ) May 21, 2015

Interesting take. I must say I was taken aback that Sean and Davina ‘rolled over’ after the memory-lane experience of the wedding album. How is it even possible that feelings to want to be with each other didn’t ignite in Sean? His coldness was odd. That said, and much as I understand about Davina’s abandonment issues, I don’t get why she can’t just put on her big girl-panties (well, take them off), take the lead, and take what she wants. Him. For goodness sake they ARE married! Seeing the great chemistry they have, it will be a shame to let him go simply because she was afraid to make the first move.

Although, I am beginning to wonder about his confidence around his manhood. He has too many excuses why he is not taking the lead to consummate the marriage.

It was telling when, in a previous episode, Sean made the ‘joke’ suggesting she needs to go to work because “some of us need to be taken care of”. He probably feels like an underdog in the relationship. I don’t blame him feeling this way, afteral, it’s been all about him uprooting his life to accommodate her. If he feels unequal to her, I don’t see them working out.

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Yvonne Chase May 21, 2015

@Mmbatho,

I was taken aback too. That was the perfect time to draw near to each other while strolling down memory lane. They both missed an opportunity to create intimacy.

I honestly don’t think Sean wants to consummate the marriage and I hope they don’t. He’s no longer into her. He realizes how much work she is and he doesn’t want to do it. If he could run away from this experiment, he would but he can’t until the end.

Exactly! They are married. Like I said in the post; greet him at the door with a hug. When he said he was going to bed, she could’ve leaned in and said something like, not before I give you a juicy kiss goodnight.

I think he doesn’t take the lead with her because of her body language. Did you see the way she was sitting in the bed? Remember when they were at the ski trip and she got mad at him for not acknowledging her and he said you come across so strong and stoic etc…Her body language needs to change towards him. She needs to realize this is a two-way street.

I’m sure he feels like an underdog in the marriage, but I don’t think he feels unequal to her. Like you said, he uprooted his entire life from NJ and that doesn’t’ seem to be good enough. She also makes more money than him and let him know that when she bought an $83 towel. I don’t know Sean, but I don’t get the sense he would buy an $83 towel. Not because he can’t afford it but because a $20 would serve the same purpose and he has nothing to prove.

Like Jaclyn said in a previous episode, if you want a partner, you gotta act like a partner. Neither of them are acting like they want each other as a partner.
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Mmabatho J. Seete (@MmabathoSisJ) May 21, 2015

They sure missed an opportunity for intimacy big time.

I agree with you. It’s hard to believe he could still be into her after he didn’t walk through the door calling for him to walk through. Now that I think of it, even when he was massaging her on the bed, I was sure he’d make moves in that moment. Instead, he was detached. His heart was not in the massage. I mean, you are massaging your wife and all you can do is poke her from a distance?!

Oh her body language! Daggers.

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Yvonne Chase May 22, 2015

@Mmabatho,

I think you misunderstood me. The massage between Jessica and Ryan was very nice. I love the sushi scavenger hunt she meticulously orchestrated that led up to it. They’d probably be in the same boat as Sean and Davina had she not taken the lead. I’m sure that inspired Ryan to take the lead which is what Sean is seeking from Davina; inspiration. Her body language is not inspiring. Like you said, daggers!
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AwesomelyOZ May 22, 2015

I agree it takes two to tango and it does appear as though Sean has given up. Can’t blame him – Davina takes quite a bit of energy. I also agree she was not the most suitable candidate for this “experiment” considering all the parental issues/baggage she appears to come with. I don’t think they’re going to make it after the 90 days but I hope she can seek the individual assistance she needs to hopefully help her in her next relationship.

Intimacy takes a lot of work and when it is most uncomfortable is usually when it is most needed. Breaking the ice, no matter how uncomfortable, is better than letting it harden. 😛

Have a great one Yvonne! Take Care -Iva
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Yvonne Chase May 27, 2015

@Iva,

She’s exhausting! Like you, I hope she seeks the individual assistance she needs before her next relationship.

I absolutely love this: “Breaking the ice, no matter how uncomfortable, is better than letting it harden.” So well said…
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