Thinking About Marriage

by Yvonne Chase on July 20, 2020

The new season of Married at First Sight, Season 11 is here from the city known for bourbon, beignets, and Mardi Gras; New Orleans. It got me thinking about marriage. Will I marry? I have no idea. Is it something I would like? Sure, why not! Romantic love is a beautiful thing, however, I’m glad I’m not married yet because I’ve had a lot of time to look at the primary male figures in my life and examine those relationships. What we come from, how we’re raised plus the relationships we have with our parents all play a huge role in choosing who we marry.

I’m a huge fan of bible teacher Joyce Meyer. If you don’t know her back story; her father raped her over 200 times. Because of that, she married the first man who came along and showed her love and affection only to end up in more abuse. Once she divorced and moved on, she married her now-husband Dave and they’ve been married over forty years.

On a recent episode of her show Enjoying Everyday Life, she talked about how Dave lets her be who she is. Not from a place of permission but a place of not controlling her in any way. She’s a woman of strength who talks with a lot of bass in her voice. Dave does not interfere with her big personality and how God knit her together. She can be her full self with him. She doesn’t have to hide her light under a bushel to make him feel comfortable.

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While watching the latest episode of MAFS, I had a conversation on Twitter with a follower who said, “The crap I’ve seen growing up made me never want to get married. I’ve only really ever seen cheating, abusive, and just shitty relationships. I know marriage isn’t all rainbows, but I don’t really recall ever really seeing any sunshine. I’m looking for a therapist to help me with my issues with black men. I’ve come to realize I have DEEP ROOTED issues because I can’t think of one black man in my life who hasn’t failed me. Especially the men in my family.”

I love honest people who can tell the ugly truth about their reality. I can relate to much of what she says. Like her, I saw a lot of crap growing up. I can’t say I’ve seen any marriages in my family that inspire me to want to marry. If anything, much of what I’ve seen and continue to see serve as a huge warning. My feelings mirror hers when she speaks about the men in her family. The men in my family have failed me!

While Joyce was sexually abused by her father, I experienced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of my father who did not protect me. As a matter of fact, he continues to participate and encourage my brothers to be abusive towards me. It’s a truth I’ve come to terms with and accept without making excuses for him.

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Because of my experience with my father and the men in my family, I too should want nothing to do with marriage but that’s not my story. When God created marriage, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt he created a good thing. With that said, my biggest fear when I think about being married is ending up with an abusive man who tries to bully me, control me, and silence me. 

If I didn’t have such an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, I would’ve married the first man who came along and showed me any love and affection like Joyce. But thank God for Jesus I never had to because of his love. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know how much that relationship means to me. As I’ve said since the beginning of time, it is the most important relationship in my life. It gives me the confidence to be single despite what others say or think.

As I watch MAFS season after season, I see single people showing up to marry thinking marriage is going to fix what’s broken in their life and make them happy as Joyce did in her first marriage. They think meeting “the one” is the missing puzzle piece and the answer to all of life’s problems.

This season, Christina is one of those women. She’s never received flowers from a man and looks forward to marrying a romantic man who will buy her exotic flowers. When I watched her introduction and listened to her full story and reasons for wanting to be married, I thought to myself, she doesn’t need a husband, she needs therapy. Why hasn’t she bought exotic flowers for herself? Sure, receiving flowers from a man is nice…I recall a time when a man filled my entire apartment with exotic flowers but guess what, after seeing him for who he is, ending that relationship was the best decision I ever made.

Let me tell you something ladies; just because a man does nice things for you doesn’t mean he’s a nice man. Please let that sink in because narcissists do nice things for others all the time. Not because they are nice people…there’s nothing nice about a narcissist, but because they’re grossly insecure and have a relentless need for attention and admiration. The kind acts of a narcissist are all about him…to shine the spotlight on him and how great he wants you to believe he is. It has nothing to do with you. Christina is ripe for marrying a narcissist. I’ll be watching her this season to see how her story unfolds along with the other couples.

In closing, I leave you with a quote from the late great Rep. John Lewis, “You are a light. You are the light. Never let anyone – any person or any force – dampen, dim, or diminish your light. Study the path of others to make your way easier and more abundant.”

Something to think about…

What say you? Do you watch Married At First Sight? What are your thoughts on marriage? 

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Laurie July 20, 2020

I am a fan of Joyce Meyers too but I never knew her horrible backstory before. I always thought she was a brave, strong, no-nonsense woman who made a lot of sense. Now I am amazed at her courage and strength.

Too many people think meeting the right person will make them complete. You know that only by accepting God into your life can you ever find true happiness.

Someone who truly loves you will encourage you to shine. They will not want you to play small in order not to outshine them!
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Yvonne Chase July 20, 2020

@Laurie,

Yea, her story is horrific. I believe its the reason she’s such a brave, strong, no non-sense woman. She’s been through hell and lived to unapologetically tell about it.

If meeting the right person made us complete, then the divorce rate wouldn’t exist.

And yes, the right relationship for me will be one where I can shine and shine bright. Until then, I don’t want it!
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Sharon Hazel July 21, 2020

I love your reasoning and maturity in this post – so many people marry for the wrong reasons! It is the realisation that God alone brings purpose and meaning to our lives, and more than anything else we need to know our identity and security in Him. Marriage can be and should be a blessing but it is also a challenge 🙂
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Yvonne Chase July 21, 2020

@Sharon,

Indeed. It is only God that brings purpose and meaning to my life. If my identity and security were not rooted in him, I’d be going from one relationship to the next desperately seeking it. Thank God for Jesus!
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Bev @ Walking Well With God July 21, 2020

Yvonne,
You are so fortunate to have a loving relationship with your heavenly Father. I went into my first marriage looking for my husband to fill a role that only God is meant to fill. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and sadly, I hung in there for 25 years because I didn’t believe in divorce. I was able to get right with God and He drew near in the aftermath of my divorce. With my priorities in place, I’m happy to say I have a happy, healthy marriage with a wonderful godly man. Seek first the Kingdom of God (and a relationship with Him) and all these things (marriage, etc.) will be added unto you. God first….marriage second.
Blessings,
Bev xx
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Yvonne Chase July 22, 2020

@Bev,

Here’s what I know for sure, if I didn’t have a loving relationship with my Heavenly Father, I’d be no different than you, Joyce and other women. I’d be divorced or in a bad marriage or going from one man to the next.

Love this; God first…marriage second. I’m so glad you are in a happy and healthy marriage with a godly man. Blessings to you.
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Lisa notes July 22, 2020

I haven’t listened to Joyce Meyer consistently in a few years, but I used to and really appreciated her teachings. I remember her talking a lot about Dave back in those days as well, and I was always encouraged by their unity even in differences.

My heart hurts for those who have been abused, in any fashion, by others in their lives. 🙁 I’m glad God has redeemed your story to remain open to marriage should God bring it your way. And to be content if not. You are definitely letting your light shine.

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Yvonne Chase July 22, 2020

@Lisa,

I won’t let anyone close my mind to marriage and yes, I will be content if it doesn’t come my way.

One of the reasons I’m such a huge fan of Joyce is because of the way she speaks about her union with Dave. Their story is one for the books. So encouraging.
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Jenifer July 22, 2020

Yvonne, I never knew those things about Joyce. Wow, she has overcame! I do not watch MAFS, I just don’t know that I agree with that concept. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart. May God bless you!
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Yvonne Chase July 27, 2020

@Jenifer,

Yes, Joyce has overcome a lot.

I don’t agree with the setup of MAFS, however, I learn so much from it and that is why I watch.
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Barbara Harper July 22, 2020

I’m so thankful I didn’t marry the first person who came along. Because this guy was the first Christian I had ever dated, I expected everything to be sunshine and light. I didn’t realize until a long time after we broke up that this man was just like my father in his anger and controlling ways. I just knew something was wrong enough to break off the relationship. It’s so true that, although marriage can be a wonderful thing, it’s not a cure-all for whatever issues we have. Only Christ can meet the deepest needs of our hearts.
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Yvonne Chase July 23, 2020

@Barbara,

Amen! Only Christ can meet the deepest needs of our hearts. I’m glad you paid attention to whatever you thought was wrong with that guy and didn’t marry him. Many don’t and end up in a bad marriage that repeats a vicious cycle.
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Karen Friday July 24, 2020

Hey Yvonne, we haven’t crossed paths online in a while. So glad you are one of my link-up neighbors today. So much truth here. I’ve read and heard Joyce Meyers story. Because I grew up around divorce and remarriages by my parents; and my father absent from my life a huge chunk of time, I vowed to never, ever marry! Yet, the Lord brought my husband into my life to change those plans. Our marriage hasn’t been easy, but we’ve worked through any hard places, sometimes with therapy and counseling.
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Yvonne Chase July 27, 2020

@Karen,

Nice to see you in my neck of the woods. I’ve never made a vow not to marry and I won’t make that vow even though I have all the reason to because that would give the devil too much pleasure. He’s doing everything he can and using everyone he can to try and turn me away from all the good God created for me.

Therapy and counseling are great tools. I’m glad you are using them when needed to strengthen your marriage. Blessings to you.
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Amy Jung July 25, 2020

I pray many women will be encouraged to seek healing from past hurts and move toward healthy relationships through your post.
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Yvonne Chase July 27, 2020

@Amy,

That is why I write and share my personal experiences. Its important to acknowledge our past hurts so that we can seek healing. It’s the only way to have healthy relationships.
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Jerralea July 27, 2020

I appreciated your post so much! Nothing goes well in life without first building a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father!

Thanks for dropping by the journey. I’m so glad to know the Father is keeping you and favoring you!
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Yvonne Chase July 27, 2020

@Jerralea,

That’s right…if we want our lives to go well, we need to have a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father. And yes, he is keeping me and favoring me every day. I wouldn’t be here without him, especially in this season of my life. He is faithful!
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Jeanne July 28, 2020

Yvonne, I so appreciate your transparency. And I’m sorry the men in your family have been so abusive. Our heavenly Father does a lot of healing in our hearts and lives, doesn’t He? You have a lot of wisdom in realizing the things you do: we can buy exotic flowers for ourselves ( 🙂 ), we have value because of who God says we are, and brokenness can’t be fixed by a man. Only God can heal those broken places.

Thanks so much for sharing your heart here.
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Linda Stoll July 28, 2020

Good morning, Yvonne.

You always give us good food for thought … I always leave a bit inspired or informed or simply blessed.

Thank you!
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Lois Flowers July 29, 2020

Yvonne, I wish that all younger women had your confidence … I think it would save many from a great deal of hurt and bad relationships. I had a wonderful dad but still struggled with insecurity when I was in high school and college. As an adult, I’d have to say that coming to understand who I am as God’s daughter has definitely grown my confidence and ability to stand on my own. I’m so encouraged whenever I read of the difference your relationship with your heavenly Father has made in your life …

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Michele Morin July 31, 2020

I’m grateful for your transparency in this post. I was completely turned off to marriage as a young woman, but God broke through with truth, and it sure seems as if he has held you close to him and given you clear vision in spite of everything.

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Yvonne Chase July 31, 2020

@Michele,

That’s exactly what he continues to do; hold me close to him and give me clear vision in spite of it all. He’s a good, good, good, good, Father and I’m so loved by Him.
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