The new season of Married at First Sight, Season 11 is here from the city known for bourbon, beignets, and Mardi Gras; New Orleans. It got me thinking about marriage. Will I marry? I have no idea. Is it something I would like? Sure, why not! Romantic love is a beautiful thing, however, I’m glad I’m not married yet because I’ve had a lot of time to look at the primary male figures in my life and examine those relationships. What we come from, how we’re raised plus the relationships we have with our parents all play a huge role in choosing who we marry.
I’m a huge fan of bible teacher Joyce Meyer. If you don’t know her back story; her father raped her over 200 times. Because of that, she married the first man who came along and showed her love and affection only to end up in more abuse. Once she divorced and moved on, she married her now-husband Dave and they’ve been married over forty years.
On a recent episode of her show Enjoying Everyday Life, she talked about how Dave lets her be who she is. Not from a place of permission but a place of not controlling her in any way. She’s a woman of strength who talks with a lot of bass in her voice. Dave does not interfere with her big personality and how God knit her together. She can be her full self with him. She doesn’t have to hide her light under a bushel to make him feel comfortable.
While watching the latest episode of MAFS, I had a conversation on Twitter with a follower who said, “The crap I’ve seen growing up made me never want to get married. I’ve only really ever seen cheating, abusive, and just shitty relationships. I know marriage isn’t all rainbows, but I don’t really recall ever really seeing any sunshine. I’m looking for a therapist to help me with my issues with black men. I’ve come to realize I have DEEP ROOTED issues because I can’t think of one black man in my life who hasn’t failed me. Especially the men in my family.”
I love honest people who can tell the ugly truth about their reality. I can relate to much of what she says. Like her, I saw a lot of crap growing up. I can’t say I’ve seen any marriages in my family that inspire me to want to marry. If anything, much of what I’ve seen and continue to see serve as a huge warning. My feelings mirror hers when she speaks about the men in her family. The men in my family have failed me!
While Joyce was sexually abused by her father, I experienced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of my father who did not protect me. As a matter of fact, he continues to participate and encourage my brothers to be abusive towards me. It’s a truth I’ve come to terms with and accept without making excuses for him.
Because of my experience with my father and the men in my family, I too should want nothing to do with marriage but that’s not my story. When God created marriage, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt he created a good thing. With that said, my biggest fear when I think about being married is ending up with an abusive man who tries to bully me, control me, and silence me.
If I didn’t have such an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, I would’ve married the first man who came along and showed me any love and affection like Joyce. But thank God for Jesus I never had to because of his love. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know how much that relationship means to me. As I’ve said since the beginning of time, it is the most important relationship in my life. It gives me the confidence to be single despite what others say or think.
As I watch MAFS season after season, I see single people showing up to marry thinking marriage is going to fix what’s broken in their life and make them happy as Joyce did in her first marriage. They think meeting “the one” is the missing puzzle piece and the answer to all of life’s problems.
This season, Christina is one of those women. She’s never received flowers from a man and looks forward to marrying a romantic man who will buy her exotic flowers. When I watched her introduction and listened to her full story and reasons for wanting to be married, I thought to myself, she doesn’t need a husband, she needs therapy. Why hasn’t she bought exotic flowers for herself? Sure, receiving flowers from a man is nice…I recall a time when a man filled my entire apartment with exotic flowers but guess what, after seeing him for who he is, ending that relationship was the best decision I ever made.
Let me tell you something ladies; just because a man does nice things for you doesn’t mean he’s a nice man. Please let that sink in because narcissists do nice things for others all the time. Not because they are nice people…there’s nothing nice about a narcissist, but because they’re grossly insecure and have a relentless need for attention and admiration. The kind acts of a narcissist are all about him…to shine the spotlight on him and how great he wants you to believe he is. It has nothing to do with you. Christina is ripe for marrying a narcissist. I’ll be watching her this season to see how her story unfolds along with the other couples.
In closing, I leave you with a quote from the late great Rep. John Lewis, “You are a light. You are the light. Never let anyone – any person or any force – dampen, dim, or diminish your light. Study the path of others to make your way easier and more abundant.”
Something to think about…
What say you? Do you watch Married At First Sight? What are your thoughts on marriage?
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