Where is the Trust?

by Yvonne Chase on August 12, 2011

So I finally got around to watching the season finale of Basketball Wives.  Yes I watch from time to time because it gives me lots to write about…don’t judge me. 

 In this final episode, Chad and Evelyn got into a big fight because while she was out and about, she saw him having lunch at his usual spot with a woman she didn’t know. 

According to her, when you’re engaged to be married, you get rid of female friends, especially the ones I don’t know.   Chad disagrees.  He thinks he can keep his female friends and talk with them via text, phone calls and even have lunch without anything happening and those friends include exes and past lovers.  I believe he made a valid point when he said, while you may not know her, you know me.  He went on to say, you can’t consume a dude in a cocoon! You expect me not to talk to anybody? I’m supposed to be dead to the world now that I’m engaged? That’s why men sneak around!

Today while out and about, I randomly asked Ted a married man of 14 years his thoughts on friends of the opposite sex and he said, I have female friends that I used to date and my wife knows all about them as a matter of fact, one of them works in my office.  At the end of the day, it boils down to trust.  Either she trusts me or she doesn’t.  My life is an open book to my wife. 

Based on what he shared with me, Ted and his wife have a wide open line of communication and there is nothing that happens in his life that she doesn’t know about.  In addition, while he may have friendships with women, he conducts them more like business relationships speaking to them a few times a year and only dealing with them when he has too.  According to Ted, between spending time with my wife, working and dealing with the ins and outs of life, I don’t have time to meet them for lunch.  I really like the way he chooses to honor his wife and their marriage. 

Ted is right; it all comes down to trust.  Do you trust your mate? If the answer is no, you need to get to the bottom of it and deal with why.  While I don’t believe you need to become dead to society when you’re married, I do believe you need to be careful of putting your marriage in danger by monitoring those friendships very closely.   In addition, where possible,  all friends of the opposite sex need to be introduced and they need to respect your union.  There also needs to be serious boundaries around those friendships.    

What say you?  Do all friends of the opposite sex have to go when you’re engaged / married? Do you have friends of the opposite sex? How does your spouse feel about it? Has it caused a problem in your relationship?

Something to think about…

Kelly August 12, 2011

I don’t really understand why a married man would want to have a friendship with a woman especially if she’s single. We have to be very careful. The devil is clever and he is looking for every which way to destroy marriages. What starts out as a simple friendship could lead to an emotional and then a physical affair. We have to be smart and steer clear of situations that could potentially trip us up. Get a dog if you need a friend that badly.

Yvonne August 12, 2011

@Kelly…I agree with your thoughts. I know a lot of married men. A lot of married men, husbands of my female friends and associates have subtly and openly tried to hit on me. Truth: most wives give me the side eye and its not because of anything I’ve done. Women know men and women know men are turned on visually.

One of my personal rules is; I will not be a friend to a married man whose wife I do not not know. I respect marriage too much to do anything that would ever interfere with it. What does a married want with my friendship?

In my opinion, I don’t believe men and women can be “just friends” unless its handled in the way Ted describes it. His wife is his best friend of the opposite sex and he would rather be with her than with anyone else. His marriage and wife are his priority. That’s the right approach and the best way to handle friends of the opposite sex.

Tajor9 August 12, 2011

I agree and I disagree. My hubby has female friends through his hobby. No they are not best friends, they only socialize when its the deals with his hobby. (He’s in a motorcyle gang) For awhile he was the President of the Motorcycle Gang and not just the women but the men called frequently. We discussed this issue. I don’t have a problem with him in the gang but the President title was too much. The females he kept them at bay, he drew a line and said they would never cross it. If it wasn’t about motorcycles, they had no reason to talk. I was comfortable with that. Even though I didn’t like him having female friends I decided to trust him and his word. In the end it all worked out.
A husband can have a female friends but they need to know their position. You are my co-worker, you are on my softball team, you are in my motorcycle gang, etc…and that is it. Other than that we have no dealings. Because I’m in a Sorority, I drew the same line with my sorors and fraternity men.
The two most imporant things we did was to communicate and trust. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t have made it through that situation.

Tiya August 12, 2011

All friends need to also be a friend to the marriage. Meaning the spouse knows all about them and approves of the friendship.

20 and Engaged August 12, 2011

I saw the episode and I agree with Chad. You have to trust him as a man. I would love to know the female friends my husband has, and I do know most of them, but when it comes down to it, I trust him. I trust him to make the decision to have platonic friends and nothing more. Keeping him in a cocoon will allow him to resent me. I was just talking to my friend who’s in a relationship (actually with my husband’s best friend) and he has a female best friend. My friend can’t stand her. She doesn’t trust her (for understandable reasons), but I keep telling her she has to trust HIM at the end of the day. If she doesn’t change her attitude, the relationship may end. It’s a tough subject for couples, but it truly shows how much you trust your partner.

Chaz August 14, 2011

Marriage should not mean the end of your former social life, but I do agree with you that boundaries need to be set, including that a woman/man should know /be introduced about people of the opposite sex who the mate talks to/sees somewhat regularly AND it is the mate’s responsibility to ensure they are not doing anything to make their woman/man feel uncomfortable–and they would know what that is through a simple discussion.

I have actually met two of my bf’s female friends, including a very close one married one (makes me feel better!) who he went on a cruise with three years with his mom. According to them both, they have always just been friends and nothing beyond a hug has ever happened. I believe them, and funny thing is, she and I talk way more than they do. Part of what makes me unwary now (I was wary before meeting her) is that my nf has never ever given me reason to doubt his faithfulness or question what he tells me AND he made a point to be just as affectionate around me when we met up wit her. But more than that, I have male friends–very good ones–so I know that a friendship between the same sex is possible (even a mildly flirt one!). My male friends are just as important to me as my female ones (and they give better relationship advice) so I would hate to have to give them up becuase of my guy’s insecurity or some silly rule. And I would not want him to have to end relationships he has had for years either. Trust and commonsense about where a line needs to be drawn is key.

naturallyk September 2, 2011

I’m so glad you wrote about this! I don’t watch BBW anymore because I just don’t respect any of the women on the show anymore. I was tempted to watch this one from the previews though. I was especially mad at Evelyn during this episode. She doesn’t trust because she has been hurt so many times before. That’s baggage. Its clear she has a lot of issues because of her past relationships. She will not be happy until she is healed inside and stops looking outward.

I believe that platonic friendships can exist if BOTH parties want to be platonic and know where to draw the line. The only person I need to trust is my mate. My husband has many female friends. I don’t have a problem with it because I trust him and have gotten to know them. I know that the women that I don’t like or don’t like me won’t be in his life long because he will always choose me. Its happened and he will quickly drop anyone that’s not on our team. He takes his role as my husband very seriously and will not do anything that does not nurture and protect me. I’m very thankful for that.

Lake1125 March 23, 2012

Great commentary. It is fine for a married man to have friends but the friends need to know where friendships end and marriage starts. female friends should put themselves in the wife’s position and not overstep any boundaries that they would be offensive to them if they were married.

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