Wives Are Not A Second Womb To Birth Boys Into Men

by Yvonne Chase on November 26, 2018

Spirit Of A Wife
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been in this space. I was celebrating my birthday, then there was Thanksgiving and now I’m back. Sometime last year, I wrote a post about a pastor who places the blame of being single on the woman’s shoulders. Here’s what he said: “Too many women want to be married but you’re walking in the spirit of girlfriend. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit and carry yourself like you’re already taken and I promise you, when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.” Well, he’s back with more of the same as he speaks glowingly about his wife being the womb that birthed him into a man. Read below and we’ll talk after:

“I married a woman two sizes too big. I have to grow into her. She’s a coat. I still can’t fit her. She’s bigger than me and she’s had to cover me while I grow up. I gotta grow into her. She’s a covering, not a lid. Because if a man marries a lid she’ll stop your dream. But if you marry a covering, she’ll push you to your destiny. Let me tell you something, my wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed these last eight years, uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me. She deserves anything I can give her. I’m gonna live the rest of my life to honor her because she gave me what I couldn’t give myself which is a chance to heal while still seeing the God in me.”

Sorting Out And Tossing
So wait a minute, she didn’t deserve everything you could give her before she birthed you into a man? Were you not going to honor her for the rest of your life if she didn’t? Why is it that the measure of being a good wife rests on how much of his mess she can endure? Why isn’t she simply a good wife just because she is? I. Am. So. Confused! If this is what the spirit of a wife gets you, I want nothing to do with that spirit. What spirit gets you a boy who has put away childish things and is a fully formed man? I’ll take that spirit for two hundred Alex! 

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Chosen To Be Married
Women are told to be all she can be and have it all together before she marries. The majority of relationship books lining the bookstore shelves and sermons from pastors like this guy speak to women about what she needs to do to be chosen for marriage yet those messages are not delivered to men. God bless him and his wife if that worked for them, however, I do not believe God called his precious daughters to go through labor pains to birth boys into men in the name of being his helpmeet. 

Wholly Formed Men
We need to encourage men, black men, to aspire to be wholly formed men before they marry. Former first lady Michelle Obama said Barack was a wholly formed man before she married him. Here’s what she says verbatim in her new book Becoming:

“So many of my friends judged potential mates from the outside in focusing first on their looks and financial prospects. If it turned out the person they’d chosen wasn’t a good communicator or was uncomfortable with being vulnerable, they seemed to think time or marriage vows would fix the problem. But Barack had arrived in my life a wholly formed person. From our very first conversation, he’d shown me that he wasn’t self-conscious about expressing fear or weakness and that he valued being truthful. At work, I’d witnessed his humility and willingness to sacrifice his own needs and wants for a bigger purpose. I could see his character reflected in other small ways. His long-lasting friendships with his high school buddies showed consistency in relationships. In his devotion to his strong-willed mother, I saw a deep respect for women and their independence. Without needing to discuss it outright, I knew he could handle a partner who had her own passions and voice. These were things you couldn’t teach in a relationship, things that not even love could really build or change.”

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Looking For A Wife
Hey pastor, your next message and conversations to singles about marriage need to be directed at men and not from a place that celebrates the longsuffering wife because she birthed you into a  man but from a place of I do not recommend doing to your wife what I did to mine. Tell him to stop logging on to dating sites and swiping left and right on dating apps trying to find love and instead surrender himself to the lordship of Jesus Christ before he ever goes looking for a wife. 

Ill-Equipped
Direct him to Psalm 1:1-3 and 1 Corinthians 13: 11. Let him know its unfair to put the responsibility of his manhood on his wife.  Talk to him about the importance of dealing with his brokenness as much as he can before marriage. Remind him that as much as his wife is a helpmeet to him he is also there to walk alongside her to help her become all that God called her to be. Let him know he won’t be able to do that or even love his wife the way God calls him to love her because he is ill-equipped. Remind him, in case he forgot that he already had a mother in the woman who brought him into the world, therefore, that role is no longer available to the woman he calls his wife.

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Birth Him Into A Man
And men, if you never hear this from the pulpit or a small Bible study and I doubt you will, for the love of God and the love of his daughters, let the Holy Spirit sweep over you and lead you into the truth about what you come from and how it may be affecting you negatively before marriage. I mean, how can you be what God calls you to be in marriage if your wife has to birth you into a man? 

Something to think about…

What say you? What do you think about a wife birthing her husband into a man? Is that the role of a helpmeet? How can men be better prepared for marriage? Is the conversation lopsided?

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Michele Morin November 27, 2018

Good thoughts here, Yvonne.
I’ve been curious about Michelle’s book, and will likely pick it up in audio form at the library–especially now that I’ve read your take aways!

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Laurie November 27, 2018

Yes! Yes! Yes! Loved what you have to say about gender issues. I will read Michelle Obama’s book. Thank you for the recommendation.

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Karen Friday November 28, 2018

I agree, the responsibility of bringing a husband into manhood is not on the wife. For goodness sakes, that should have already happened. Within the marriage and their relationship…and “together” they make each other better in Christ.

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2018

@Karen,

Exactly! Together they make each other better in Christ.
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Linda Stoll November 28, 2018

Preach it, girl!

Michelle’s book is on my request list at the library. While I might not agree with all her politics, she is a fascinating and compelling woman. I’m a big fan of historical bios of our first ladies and am looking forward to this read.

Good to meet you today!

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Lisa notes November 28, 2018

Oh yes!!! Excellent commentary here, Yvonne. We need more forward-thinkers like you to break the yoke that women have to be responsible for a man’s growth. I watched Michelle’s interview on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah and LOVED it. I’ll definitely read her book. I’m glad it’s doing so well. She’s such an inspiration. I miss her.

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2018

@Lisa,

It’s a sad narrative that’s perpetuated in the black community. The more she puts up with, the more she makes him a man, the better woman she is. The devil is a liar!
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Theresa Boedeker November 29, 2018

I agree, Men need to enter marriage as men, not a boy needing to be birthed. Neither the man or woman will have it all together, and marriage and life will grow them, but they need a firm foundation to start with. Goodness, I don’t want to raise a boy into a man. That is called parenting. Not marriage. 🙂

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2018

@Theresa,

Well said; neither the man or woman will have it all together, however, they need a strong foundation to start. Like you, I do not want to raise a boy into a man. That was his mother and father’s responsibility. Furthermore, something about that seems highly unromantic.
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Katrina Hamel November 30, 2018

Great post! We need to look to our relationship with God to help us deal with our mess, not toss it onto our partner! Michelle Obama really nails this on the head, by looking at the qualities of maturity, instead of focusing on external beauty. (Not that Barack Obama wasn’t good looking lol!)

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2018

@Katrina,

Looking to our relationship with God is the only real way to deal with our mess and we should do this before we ever go looking for a mate. As another person said, none of us will have it all together, however, to dump it all on your mate changes the dynamic of the entire relationship from a loving spouse to a parent who has to whip you into shape.

P.S. Barack is a good looking man…
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Terri November 30, 2018

Your critique of the pastor’s message is spot-on. Marriage is a partnership.

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Nicki Schroeder November 30, 2018

I like how you said a man needs to surrender to Jesus before he goes looking for a wife. That’s def the ideal, I just think for so many who marry young, it’s not always the reality and we do wind up growing up together, so to speak in the Lord and facing those growing pains together. People need to stop listening to that pastor and turn to Jesus for dating advice! 🙂

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Yvonne Chase December 2, 2018

@Nicki,

I wish he would be quiet. This man was 37 years old when he married. It would be totally different like you said if he married young, say in his early twenties and he and his wife grew up together and faced those growing pains together. That scenario is a horse of a very different color!
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